Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I Thought I Knew You... (Caribana Part 4)

I know I've been MIA...School, work, and I'm getting ready for another adventure...maybe...


This is the last part! I didn't realize how long this story would be until I wrote it out. Funny thing is, there is so much more that happened. I guess that will have to wait for my book that I'll write one day.

If you missed: Part 1, Part 2, or Part 3


We now had a mystery on our hands: Where the fuck was Jacky? Dee and I couldn't reach her and admittedly hadn't tried since Caribana. I called, sent texts and got nothing.  I was no Nancy Drew, Damien could have sold her off to slavery by now...

There was nothing else to do, but wait for a reasonable hour and then try to get in touch with her.  If she was OK, she obviously wasn't worried about us. 

TJ was the perfect host.  He never made Dee feel like the third wheel and he could have been hanging out with his friends on the craziest weekend of the year in Toronto, but he was being a tour guide for two abandoned tourists. 

He stayed in the room that night with Dee and I and we all went down to the lobby and had an amazing breakfast the next day.  As we wobbled our full selves towards the elevator, I see Damien and Jacky coming towards us.

I pushed the "UP" button and we all stood there quietly, staring straight ahead.  As we rode up to our room, you could actually feel the tension on the elevator. I turned to TJ and said, "This might get ugly..." and he just replied, "I got that feeling too."  The other passengers were anxious to get off.  We all stepped off the elevator and walked towards our room, stepped inside, and watched as the door clicked closed.  That's when all hell broke loose:

Dee: Really Bitch? You bring us up here and ditch us BOTH.  I DROVE all the way from Ohio to kick it with you and I've seen you one time in 2 days. I want the money for the rental. I could have stayed at home for this shit!
Me: And how do you leave her and I together? It just so happens that we get along. What if we didn't? You just didn't give a fuck. You lied about this whole trip!
Jacky: I don't have time for this right now. Damien and I have plans today.
Me and Dee: FUCK Damien!
Dee: He's not even cute. You got me bent! Have you been brainwashed?
Damien: Why are you yelling at her like this? You are so disrespectful to your friend. You're not treating her like a friend.

I stood up.

Me: You, sir, should shut the fuck up and stay out of this or get out of MY hotel room!
Damien: I don't have to go anywhere. What are you going to do? Move me?
TJ: She doesn't have to move anybody. I'll gladly do it for her.
I couldn't help but think that he was even HOTT-ER when he was angry...GRRRR! OK...wrong time, I KNOW, but he was MAN-Candy!
Jacky: Jazz, don't talk to him like that, he doesn't have to go anywhere.
Damien: *Looking at TJ* And who the fuck are you?
TJ: I....
Me: TJ...doesn't have to explain ANYthing. AND he is correct. I don't have to move anybody and neither does he. I don't know if YOU forgot BITCH, but this hotel room is in MY NAME. I will happily call security on both of you. So tread lightly DA-MI-EN.

Neither Jacky nor Damien had anything to say at that point.

Dee: But like I said, I want the money for the rental, before I leave tonight.  I don't care if it comes from the BUM or YOU, but it better come from someone. 
Jacky: I don't have to give you anything!

Jacky and Dee were nose to nose at this point.
Dee: Really Jacky, you would fight me over HIM? He lives in Toronto. What the hell are you going to do when we get back to Ohio?
Jacky: What do you mean?
Me: It means that we're not even friends. At this point, we're enemies.
Jacky: You guys would stop being my friend over something so stupid?
Me: Stupid? You tricked me! You tricked me for 6 years...I don't even know you. You let this lame ass come in here and chose him over US? Your Friends??? You should have come by yourself if you were that thirsty for affection. I mean you can't get a man in Ohio, so you have to travel all the way to Toronto? Is your self esteem really that low? Where did you meet him anyway...on Facebook? WOW.
Dee: And you're sleeping over his parents house? Nasty bitch, what THEY must think of you...

Hotel security knocked on the door a some point during this argument. You should have seen the fear on Damien's face.  I should have had both of their asses dragged out of my room, but I needed to finish yelling at Jacky...

We all just stood there in silence staring at each other for what seemed like the longest time. There was really nothing else to say. Our friendship was over. Jacky grabbed up enough things to stay the night at Damien's but left her suitcase. I asked for her key so I could give  it to Dee and she refused to give it up.

I let her leave and then marched right down to the front desk to get the other keys cancelled and get two new ones. If Jacky wanted to come back in that room, she was going to have to go through ME!

TJ actually had a whole list of things that we could do that day and Dee was all for it, until the guy she met the day before called her and wanted to meet up. We agreed to split up for the day and meet back at the hotel around 8PM for the Gyptian concert. 

TJ took me everywhere! We went on the subway to a flea market and they had roasted corn dripping with butter.  Mmmmm, my fat man personality, Grisham, was truly on cloud nine! We then took a trolley to another flea market that sold mostly music.  He bought me a bunch of mixed CDs so I could listen to REAL music, as he called it. We took the subway and walked all over downtown.

We stopped by his house and he made me traditional Trini food for lunch. It was too spicy, but I still ate it with my eyes watering and him laughing at me. I wanted to detach my lips from my face and sit them in ice water, that shit was so damn HOT! I had to prove that I wasn't a punk, but I would have tapped out under normal circumstances.

Eight came way to fast, especially since I was leaving the next day.  Dee, her new friend, TJ and I met up at the hotel as planned and Dee drove us to the outdoor concert.

Gyptian gave an amazing performance (he sounds EXACTLY like he does on the radio...posted his newest song below) and we made our way back to the hotel at around 1 in the morning.  Dee had to leave that night to get the rental back, so we said our goodbyes and traded numbers.

And then there were 2...

TJ and I stayed up until 5 in the morning talking until we finally just passed out only to wake up 4 hours later to get all my stuff packed up.  Jacky did come back that morning to get her suitcase...with Damien.  I admit, I let her struggle with the door for about a good five minutes before I let her in. *Evil Smile Here*

I got everything together and TJ got us a cab to the bus station. He waited with me until it was time for me to leave. 

Right when I was about to get on the bus, he grabbed my hand, spun me around and kissed me. He told me that I had to come back soon and he missed me already. I SO did not want to leave!

I got on the bus and put on my Mp3 player to drown out all the sounds and listen to tunes on the ride home. All was good, until I got to Buffalo, NY and our freakin' bus was an hour late because we got held up at the border, so I missed the bus back to Cleveland.  I had to wait 5 hours for the next bus!

Of course, Jacky, was nowhere to be found.  I soon figured out when were boarding the bus to Cleveland that she knew someone in Buffalo and she went and got something to eat and sat at their house, while I was sitting at the bus station by myself. 

And that bus station was scary...OK?

I put out a PSA on Facebook to tell all my friends where I was, just in case something happened to me...I still hate Facebook, but it sure came in handy that day!  I was also texting TJ the whole time I was there, which helped keep me calm.

I saw a man get tackled by the police and this other guy was walking around telling everyone that he knew how to fix the BP oil spill.  Not to mention, the woman that was asking for money for Similac...while smoking a cigarette.


After all this, Jacky had nerve enough to offer me food on the bus.  I wanted to cram the bag down her throat.  I told her to go fuck herself and turned my music back up.

I finally made it home at about 12 in the morning, I was supposed to have gotten home by 6 PM!  And I had to go to work the next day...UGH!

Well, that's all folks!  No, I don't talk to Jacky anymore.  Yes, I still talk to TJ...a lot actually.  Almost everyday since I left... I am actually packing for another trip...but that's another story!


Toodles Biatches!

They Really Like Me!


Guess what? I got another award!

This "Blog of Substance" award is from Jess at It is a Big Deal, It is to Me!

In order to accept the award I have to:

  • Thank the blogger who awarded it to you.
  • Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words.
  • Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

First of all... Thank you Jess!  I'm glad people actually read my ramblings and think them entertaining...
Blogging philosophy, motivation, and history in 5 words: Laughter, Expression, Frustration, Entertainment and Relationship-Assistance....
The last one is one word...whatever!
10 Blogs that I feel have real substance:
A Look In a Creative Mind
Get Aroused?
Relationship Rant
Water Cooler, The
Intimate Memoirs of a Modern Girl
Free Your Giggle
A little piece of me
The Queen of Relationships
Under My Fitted
An International Affair

Now, I have to actually tell these people I gave them an award...sheesh! A blogger's work is NEVER  done!

Toodles Biatches,

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Party Girl Plus One: Episode 6, One Big Squeeze

Sheesh, it's only Tuesday and I am having one of those weeks.  How about my supervisor gave us scheduled lunches. I haven't had a fuckin' scheduled lunch since High School. Hell, I hardly had it then...I was a cheerleader and self-proclaimed Mean Girl--I did what I wanted.  So, it's not bad enough that I'm in a square cube for eight hours, they have to tell me when I'm hungry too! What if I don't want to eat at 12:30??? I HATE this JOB!!!!

Sorry for that, but I needed to get that out...


Yay for Video Day! Another great Party Girl Plus One installement from Jen Dawson!  You know what to do: Watch, Laugh, and Comment!

My Thoughts: I actually think this is one of my favorite in the video series. This dude NEVER stopped talking! I mean, since when does a guy come over to watch a movie and the movie is ACTUALLY watched? BO-RING...

And I think Jen's got some great flexibility..

So, any of you been on an extremely boring date? What did you do to get out of it? Crawl out the bathroom window, play sick? Drop me a comment!

For more about Jen and her video series, visit www.partygirlpplusone.com...

Toodles Biatches!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Waiting for the "Fake Emergency Phone Call"

The Blog Catalog members came through yet again and helped me out!  This time it was, "What NOT to say on a First Date." 

I picked 10 from all the entries to post here.  I also added a link to each persons blog. So, laugh, comment, and go check out their awesomeness!

1. Wow, what a great date. I had an awesome time and my kid's will be psyched. You possess 8 out of the 10 attributes they want in "New Mommy." 
--BiggJ (Youth Jerseys Blog

2. "My wife and I have and open marriage."  
--Diana (The Hidden Face of the Moon

3. "I think I'm falling in love with you." 
--Konway East (Water Cooler, The

4.  "When I look into your eyes I can see our unborn children."  
--FreakSmack (Funny Mugshots

5. "What happened to the girl in your photo?" 
--Derek Bowles (The Mind of Derek Bowles

6.  *Phone rings .... index finger being held up in a hold-on a minute would you?* ... "Hello, darling .. I've missed you, too."  
--Theresa (Sleeping Kitten- Dancing Dog!

7. "I don't even really like you, I just haven't gotten laid in a while." 
 -The Boo (The Boo Report)

8. "The shovel is there in case I hit a deer, the plastic bags because I was moving, the lime is for a friend."
--Hank (Photography by Hank Plumley

9. "Whaddaya mean, 'No'? Get in the back seat like a good girl."
--Mel (The Not-Pop Jukebox

10. "My house ain't been cleaned good since my first wife..." 
--AJ (Under My Fitted

Definitely all First Date RED Flags!

Thanks again, Blog Catalog members you're the SHIT!

Has anyone ever said something heinous to you on a first date? 

Toodles Biatches!

P.S. Did I make you smile today?

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Thursday, August 19, 2010

Guest Spotlight: Dating Chronicles

I've been following (stalking) @DatingChronicle on Twitter for a while now and her "tweets" were so interesting, I had to ask if she would do a guest post.  DC tells the "Twitterverse" her dating stories...140 Characters at a time... Here Dating Chronicles tells us how to look at the good side of a break-up:
Break-ups Suck….Silver Linings Rock

For those who don’t know me, I have been on a mission to find the man with whom I am to share my life.  In the past 14-16 months I have been on over 100 first dates.  Yup, over 100.  Truly it’s closer to 150 but that just sounds egregious doesn’t it?

I finally met someone I was willing to go on a second date with ….then a third…and a forth….. I’ve been tweeting (@DatingChronicle) about him (aka New Guy) over the past two months while we’ve been dating.  Two months may not sound like a very long time --- however, when you haven’t accepted a second date in over 16 months and then you go on more than fifteen dates with the same guy, it takes it up a notch or two.    

This past Saturday we broke up. 


In the past few days I’ve been trying to focus on left-brain thoughts.  You know the ones – the reasonable, rational, logical thoughts that make dealing with the pain of a break-up easier.

Following is my current top six list ….the top six silver linings behind this break-up…..wish I had ten….perhaps by the end of the week….or maybe you’ll have some to add!?

(6)    I am free to plan my weekends on my own.  New Guy was not a fan of planning in advance which is hard for me since many of the things I love to do (camping, hiking, road-trips) require an element of planning since I share my life with a dog.  This is a challenge no more.

(5)    Scheduling item #2 – no more scheduling around the kids and his ex-wife’s life. (In two months more than four adjustments to the schedule). 

(4)    Speaking of his ex….. no more worry about awkwardly running into her.  Our  worlds were getting closer and closer as I realized we have friends and business associates in common.

(3)     Shaving daily is a pain.  I no longer have to do this.

(2)     The $500 I was planning to spend on bikini laser treatment is now available to buy seriously hot heels.
…..and the #1 Silver Lining behind this break-up…..

(1)     New guy is short – really short  (i.e. 1” taller than I am and I’m short)…..my favorite pair of heels is 4” high.  I am once again free to wear these seriously hot heels (and others which I will buy with the $500 referenced in item #2!)
There you have it – my top six silver linings from this break-up.  Feeling confident that we’ll have a full top-ten by the end of the week……

I look forward to your insights!

Follow Dating Chronicle on Twitter! @DatingChronicle

Toodles Biatches!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Party Girl Plus One: Episode 5, Strip Tease

I know everything I did this week is behind! I had a long ass paper to write AND I babysat! Me...watching little people; worst idea ever. They just reinforced the fact that I am not having children.  They weren't bad, but the youngest NEVER STOPPED TALKING! When she DID stop, she still made some sort of noise. 

I can't see how parents do it. It's not like you can change your mind and give them back...

Anyway, Video Day is here! *Turning off the lights and grabbing popcorn* Party Girl Plus One did it again! Watch, laugh and comment:

MY THOUGHTS: Hmmm... Valentine's Day.  I hate it when people ask me what I'm doing on V-Day, especially when the a-holes know I'm single.  It's usually just me and Jose Cuervo...he never lets me down.

I've never been to a wild all girl party like that, however, I get hit on by girls all the time. Probably because I'm a huge flirt. It isn't even uncomfortable anymore. I just figure, "Hey, men AND women think I'm hawt...heeey!"  I've never even kissed a girl, nor do I have the desire too, but it seems like it's the norm nowadays. 

Ever been in a situation where someone of the same sex tried to "take your cookies"? How did you respond: offended or flattered OR went with it?  

Want to know more about Jen Dawson of Party Girl Plus One? Visit www.partygirlplusone.com

Did I tickle your fancy today? You should: 

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Toodles Biatches!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Do You Believe in Magic? (Caribana Part 3)

This is the continuation of my vacation in Toronto, Canada from Chicks Before Dicks (Caribana Part 2)...

(P.S. Video Day will be TOMORROW! I got e-mail threats for leaving you hanging...so here ya go biatches!)

So, I'm looking at TJ and my first thought was, "Woooow...," but I was pissed AND hungry AND lost-- this was not the time for sexy island men...

Me: Hi TJ...Bye TJ.
TJ: Woah...you're not even going to tell me your name?
Me: No. Good Day.
TJ: What's the matter? Maybe I can help.

 I stopped and looked up at him.  He was almost a foot taller than me.
Me: Unless you can get me back to Ohio, there really isn't anything for us to talk about.
TJ: Ohio? It's such a nice night...what could possibly have made you so angry?
I told him everything that had happened and why I was stomping around with a bag full of food.  He explained that he was originally from Trinidad and visiting with his father.  AND that he was only 20 years old. This guy looked at least 25!

He called one of his friends that lived in Toronto and asked him directions to my hotel so that he could walk me there. A stroll that should have only taken about 15 minutes at the most, turned into an hour and a half.  We talked, laughed, and took goofy pictures.  My stomach was growling loudly and I remembered the food.

I looked at my phone and realized that I had about 20 texts from Jacky asking where I was and what happened to the food.  I texted her back and told her I would be there in a minute.

I told TJ that I should go back to the hotel and invited him up to eat and have a drink with us before he met up with his friends later. It was the least I could do; he made me forget about all the issues with Jacky and walked me back to the hotel.

I knocked on our hotel room door, just in case anybody wasn't decent, and walked in.  I told TJ to wait a minute.
Jacky: Where have you been?
Me: YOU have a lot of nerve! For your information, I got...lost. But look what I found!  *I opened the door so TJ could walk in*
Jacky: Oh...hello.
TJ: Hi, you must be Jacky?
Jacky: Uhhh...
Me: TJ helped me find my way back. Wasn't that nice of him? He's going to have some food too. So, Jacky, what are your plans for the rest of the evening?
Jacky: Weeeelllll... Damien wants to go to a club downtown and...
Me: Oh, YOU and DAMIEN...Jacky what was the point of me coming here?
TJ was looking really uncomfortable as he unpacked the food.
Jacky: Well , my friend Dee is coming up tomorrow too and...
Me: WHO? Who the hell is Dee, where in the shit is SHE staying? I don't remember ANYbody else putting money in on this hotel!
Jacky: She got a rental car, so we have a way around when she gets here.
Me: When were you going to tell me about Dee? Oh, around the same time Damien popped up?
Jacky: I just want to hang out with him tonight...tomorrow me, you and Dee can go to Caribana and hang out.
Me: Whatever Jacky...I really don't care what you do.
Trevor: Water?
We both looked at him as if remembering he was in the room. There was a knock on the door and Jacky ran to answer it.  Of course, it was Damien.  She scarfed down her food and they left.
Trevor: Wow. She invited another girl without you knowing?
Me: Apparently.
Trevor: Do you want to hang out with me tonight? You don't have to have to be by yourself. 
Me: No, I'm tired anyway...its been a really long day.
Trevor: I see, well, can I see you tomorrow? At Caribana? 
Me: Yeah, that would be fun.
We exchanged numbers and he promised to call the next day before the parade.  He left and I put on my jammies to go to bed.

Jacky NEVER came back that night...

7:30 A.M.
Jacky: HEY JAZZ!!
Me: I opened one eye. Who, what, where?!
Jacky: This is Dee....Lets go down to breakfast!
Me: Hi...Dee.
We just looked at each other.  I could already imagine what she was thinking.  I completely went off on Jacky last night and I'm sure she told Dee. I was also sure that right now I was unfairly being dubbed "The Bad Guy." That was fine because I had a feeling that Jacky was going to show her ass again before the day was over.

I got up and threw on some sweats for breakfast.  We went downstairs and chatted while eating.  Dee seemed pretty cool.  Jacky was full of promises about what we were going to do today and how much fun we were going to have at Caribana.  I asked where Damien was and if he would be making an appearance. Jacky assured Dee and I that this was going to be a Girl's Day and the men of Toronto better watch out!

We went back upstairs to get dressed for Caribana.  We turned on some Soca music and danced as we got ready. It was starting to look like this trip was going to turn out to be fun! 

TJ texted me to tell me he was on his way to the parade and he hoped to see me later. As we walked off the elevator, Damien was waiting there. I looked at Jacky like, "Really Bitch?"

She shrugged and we all piled into the taxi--I was way too excited at this point to be angry. When we got there the music was loud and intoxicating. I could feel the bass in my heart. All the people, the costumes, the colors and the dancing...AMAZING!

As expected, Jacky and Damien wondered off and could not be reached by phone or text.  TJ and I kept missing each other because there were so many people. We eventually just agreed to meet up later back at the hotel.

Dee couldn't believe how Jacky acted like a completely different person around Damien...she had actually been friends with her longer than I had.  We just shrugged it off, danced in the parade for hours and drank at the beer tent. We made our way back to the hotel only to find out that that bitch, Jacky, had BEEN back! I could tell because she left her St. Lucian flag from the parade on the desk. 

TJ got to the hotel around 11 and I introduced him to Dee, as if I hadn't JUST met her that morning, and he took us down to Dundas Square. It was just SO many people around, just hanging out and talking on a beautiful night. We walked past a man on a velvet throw and forks spread out around him.
TJ: He does magic...
He seemed really creeped out by this and I found it hilarious.
Me: Oh, really?
TJ: Yes, you don't believe me?
Me: No...I don't.
TJ: Hey, Sir...she doesn't believe in magic!
Pharaoh the Magician: Oh reaaaally, come here girl, let me show you what I can do. *He pointed at Dee* YOU too.
We walked up on each side of him and he handed us both a fork.  He told us to write our exes initials and our own names on the forks. It was funny that he said our Exes because my Ex asshole had JUST texted me that day! 

The things that he made these forks do...if I hadn't of seen it with my OWN two eyes, I would have never believed it.

He made me do a winding motion with the fork in my hand.  I actually felt the metal of the fork twist, as it did some Exorcist type shit and the top of it did a 360... like a corkscrew.

Pharaoh told Dee to guess a number between 1 and 7; she picked 3 and shook the fork per Pharaoh's instructions. When she stopped 3 of the forks prongs had bent up!

My "Magic" Fork
The final trick, he made us count to 3 and at 3 we both were to point at the forks.  We counted: 1...2...3...and pointed. My fork fell apart and Dee's fork went completely flat, like a pancake. Pharaoh said that this represented the release of all the bad energy from the past relationship with the person we wrote on the fork. I STILL need to text my Ex to see if he is OK...I mean my fork FELL APART.  The guy's penis may have fallen off or something...not that he wouldn't deserve it.

He let us keep our mangled forks as souvenirs.  TJ wouldn't even touch it...LOL. (Below is a video of Pharaoh in action...it isn't the same trick, but it shows what he can do)

As we were walking back to the hotel, I turned to Dee and it seemed like we both realized at the same time that we hadn't seen Jacky since that afternoon and it was almost 5AM...

I know! Sorry, I did it again. Part 4 is the LAST part I promise...

Toodles Biatches!

P.S. Check out this video of Pharaoh in Dundas Square, doing his thing:

Friday, August 13, 2010

Chicks Before Dicks... (Caribana Part 2)

Like I have said a million times already, Toronto was great...

However, when you are traveling with others, something is almost always guaranteed to go wrong. That's why I usually only travel with one or two people because, more BITCHES means more problems. 
Sometimes, even traveling with ONE other person is an issue, especially when both have different reasons for going...

After a twelve hour bus trip to Toronto (it would have only been 8, but we got held on the border because some idiot on the bus didn't have her passport), we arrive at the bus station. 

I had already checked and was aware that we were only about a five minute walking distance from the hotel, but who the hell wants to do that with luggage?

I was ready to catch a cab or rather, they were ready to catch ME, when my friend, Jacky says that she is calling her friend to come and get us.  I'm like, OK, whatever...call him.  I figured it was just a coincidence that he was downtown.  She was on the phone, yelling over all the city noise, trying to tell him where we were located, while I was looking for him to drive up in a car.

Jacky: Oh, there he is
Me: *Looking up and down the street* Uhh, where?
Jacky: *Pointing* Right there!... Hey Baby! (Baby?)
Me: Well why the hell is he walking?? I mean is he literally going to carry us to the hotel??
Jacky: Oh, he doesn't have a car...
Me: So, why is he meeting us here?
Jacky: He's my boyfriend...be nice Jazz!
I just stood there with a stunned look on my face as they smooched in the middle of downtown giggling like long lost friends...

This was not what I signed up for...this was supposed to be a drunken, rock out with your cock out!, girls gone wild, and eventually BLACK OUT type of weekend.  Who the hell wants to be a third wheel? I am in no sense of the word a "cock-blocker", but the bitch could have made this trip by herself.

I took a deep breath and asked him how we were getting to the hotel.  He took both of our bags and headed towards a cab. Don't they have bellboys AT the hotel? He completely could have met us later on.

He paid for the cab and we go upstairs to our room.  We all just sit there for an awkward moment.

Me: Well, this is interesting.
Jacky: This is Damien.
Me: Well, hello Damien...where are you staying this weekend?
Jacky: Jazz!
Damien: I live downtown.
Me: OK...I don't know about you two, but I'm hungry and in need of a shower, so I'm going to do that now.
Jacky: Then we can all go eat.
Me: Riiiiight
 As I take a shower and get dressed, I resolved to make the best of the situation. I called out Jacky's name to discuss the eating issue, because it was getting SERIOUS.  Grisham, the fat man that I am sure lives inside my body, was pissed that there was no food intake for the last 18 hours.  

I got no answer from Jacky, so I walk into the living area. There was no one in the room. Both these assholes had left me!

I started texting:

Me: Ummm... where are you?
Jacky: We just went for a walk...
Me: OK, how about you come back so WE can all get something to eat...
No answer...20 minutes pass...
Me: Hello????
Jacky: Hi, what do you want to eat? Damien said he would pay for it.
Me: How the fuck am I supposed to know? I'm in a different COUNTRY? Why don't you come back so we can all go?
No answer... 30 minutes...at this point I am seeing RED. Pissed. I could have bitten someone.
Jacky: We went to get drinks...
Me: Really BITCH? We're in CANADA, I have no CANADIAN MONEY and you leave me in a room by MYSELF for that ugly Nike knock-off wearin' piece of shit?
Hey, I can get really ugly when I'm hungry. There was no answer, I texted about 30 obscenities and still no answer.  I turned on the TV, watched it for about an hour and then I started packing my stuff.  

Why should I stay? My plan was to get my money back from Jacky for the hotel and the bus and catch the FIRST thing smoking back to Ohio.

Another hour passed...

And another...

I hear the card key in the door...

I had put the security lock across the door, so it caught when she opened it.  I pushed the door closed, snatched the security lock off and violently pulled the door open. They both almost fell into the room.

Me: Bitch, give my money for the hotel AND the bus. I'm buying a ticket home!
Jacky: I'm sorry, we walked really far to go to the liquor store.  I bought a bottle for us! *She pulled out a bottle of Bombay Sapphire*
What do I drink? Right. Tequila. Do you think I would travel without Jose Cuervo?  Never! Jacky knew this!
Me: Who the fuck drinks that? It took THREE hours to walk to the store? This is a city...you could have caught a cab, a trolley, a bus...
Jacky: I'm  SO sorry! Don't go home, I want to have fun this weekend.  We can go get something to eat now. Damien said he'll buy it.
Grisham wasn't going to pass on a deal like that.  We walk about 15 minutes, passing McDonald's, about twenty Sushi Queens, Subway and come to a Jamaican restaurant.

I've never eaten Jamaican food.  I asked was Oxtail really Oxtail, or did it stand for something else?

Damien orders me something called Shrimp Roti after I told him my stipulations of no beef, no pork, and NO OX.  We were told our food would take about 20 minutes...

When the food was bagged, Damien paid, I thanked him, grabbed it and start towards the door.  I hear Jacky order two beers. I stopped in my tracks and turned around.
Me: You sat there for TWENTY minutes and decide NOW that you want a beer?
Jacky: Me and Damien wanted to drink them with our food. 
Waiter: You can't take those out of here... 
Damien: OK, we'll just drink them really quick and head back to the hotel. 
Me: Hell no!  YOU guys can stay, I haven't eaten in damn near 24 hours you inconsiderate bastards...I'm going back to the hotel!
I stomped out, carrying all the food. This was turning out to be a shitty weekend and we had only been in Toronto for 6 hours!  I'm doing my mad walk down the street and the anger dissipates, leaving a sense of disorientation.

Yep, I was lost!

All the hotels seemed to look just alike, the street signs meant absolutely nothing... since there were a MILLION Sushi places, those all looked alike too.  I just kept walking, I didn't even know the name of the street the hotel was on. 

I take my phone out and hit Google Maps... and then remembered...No. 3G. In. Canada. As I'm cursing my phone out, a shadow looms over me and I hear footsteps falling into place with mine. 

Oh shit... now I'm going to get mugged, beaten and left for dead all because of that bitch Jacky and her asshole boyfriend? 

I slowly look over and was startled by a very tall, very cute man, with light brown eyes smiling down at me...

He said with an island accent, "Hi, I'm TJ"...


Hey, I know I just Prime Time TV, leave me hangin'd you.  Guess you'll just have to come back to see what happens next in: Caribana Part 3: Do You Believe in Magic?

Toodles Biatches!

P.S. If you missed Caribana Part 1


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Caribana!... PART 1

This is just a brief overview of my trip and some photos. 

(Bear with me, my camera is crappy. I'm seriously about to add an "About Me" page with a PayPal Donate button.)

A whole lot of shit went down though, I lost a friend, but gained two more.  I was also in a MAGIC show. 

I also learned that age might not be as big a factor in dating as I once thought... Basically way too much for one post. I don't want to give you an information overload!

So, my trip to Toronto was freakin' AH-MAZ-ING.  I had no idea what the Canadians were working with up there.  I mean I could completely live there. Except that they don't have Chipotle...major FAIL!

I went for Caribana, which is a cultural festival...the biggest one ever! 1.5 million visitors annually, mostly from the West Indies.  I do not have any sort of background in the West Indies, but my friend's (well, now my EX-friend...why?... that's another post!) family is from St. Lucia.
When the bus arrived into the city, I was amazed...everything is glass.  The condos they have downtown were called the ICE condos.  Who wouldn't want to live somewhere called ICE?

Our hotel was swank as hell.  When I went to check in, there were about 30 men standing around of all shapes and sizes. My first thought was, "This is going to be a GREAT weekend!" 

After I wiped the slobber off my face and handed my credit card over to officially check in, we went upstairs to the room.  Full kitchen, 42" flat screen TV that swiveled, big comfy king size bed and  pull-out couch.  I wanted to move in!

Saturday was the actual day of Caribana, and it went on for SEVEN hours.  Me and my friend ended up jumping IN the parade and dancing for hours.  Nobody said anything, we just went from one float to the next.  I may not talk like an islander, but I can shake my ass with the best of them!

All sweaty and tired, we made our way to the beer tents... although we were carrying around a bottle of Moet. (Hey, it's vacaaation!) We ate roasted corn and drank and had the BEST time.

We then went back to the hotel to get dressed for a night out.  We went to Dundas Square, where I was in a magic show and stayed out until 4 in the morning. We woke up Sunday to a breakfast of French Toast, scrambled eggs, and home fries! Yum!

Monday morning, I was not ready to leave!  I love Toronto...the diversity and how laid back everyone was.  I can't wait to go back!

I also learned some things about Canada on this trip:

1. Canadians and all other places outside of the US, think Americans are funny...they are not laughing WITH us, they are most definitely laughing AT us.

2. Instead of "Eclipse" gum, they have "Excel" gum...I completely thought it was a cheap knock-off and actually got into an argument with someone over it. "Excel" really IS the Canadian version of "Eclipse"...go fuckin figure?  That person felt the name "Eclipse" for gum was just plain stupid.

3. There are Sushi restaurants on EVERY freakin' corner in Toronto. More sushi restaurants than McDonald's.  I love Sushi, but damn, too many options, no reccomendations and Sushi is nothing to mess with...eat bad Sushi, pay consequences later!

4. In America, you're lucky if a cab stops for you; in Canada, they practically attack you when you're walking down the street.  It doesn't even have to LOOK like you want a cab and their yelling at you! Ironically, every single time I asked a cab driver how to get somewhere, they gave me the wrong directions... (Things that make you go hmmm...)

5. Canadian money is annoying.  I can't stand change and I am ALWAYS trying to get rid of it.  Not only do they have pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters, but they have $1 and $2 as coins...WTF?  I like having the option to NOT carry a silver dollar.  So here I am, looking like a complete asshole, trying to figure out the difference between my $1, $2, and 25 cent COINS while intoxicated. 

AND when I went to trade in my Canadian money at my bank in the US, they wouldn't take my Bob Damned coins, so now I have like $15.00 in Canadian coins...

More Pictures:

Next Toronto vacation installment: Chicks Before Dicks! Stay Tuned...

Toodles Biatches!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Party Girl Plus One: Episode 4, Frequent Vagina Flyer

It's Video Day class!

Turn down the lights (unless you're at work) and enjoy another installment of Party Girl Plus One.  I knew I was going to like this one at the title.  It gives me a chance to use the word Va-jay-jay!

You know what to do: watch, laugh, and comment...

My Thoughts: Talk about a freakin' mood killer.  He was inspecting the va-jay-jay like a gynecologist. Hell, a gyno shouldn't even be looking that close! Yeah, he would have gotten the shoe in the face from me too...

Ever experienced an awkward moment like that? Comment or better yet why haven't you emailed me that story yet!?

For more info on Jen and Party Girl Plus One visit www.partygirlplusone.com

Toodles Biatches!


Monday, August 9, 2010

Way to Kill A Mood...

We've all been there... You're about to get "dirty" and then the idiot says something to completely kill the mood.  

I called on my friends from Blog Catalog once again to help me out with this.  I asked them to give me "Things that should not be said during sex..."  

I had 100+  replies to sift through to pick the 10 funniest/worst ones!  Just  like the "10 Worst Pick-Up Lines", I listed the person that submitted, with a link to their blog.  

So, read, laugh, and check out these awesome blogs biatches! Don't forget to comment AND follow if you like what you see...

1. "Hey, I was just joking about that whole 'I love you' thing, is that cool?"
-- Konway East (Water Cooler, the

2. "Seriously.. Untie me."

3.  "The doctor said he was pretty sure it's not contagious." 
-- 2 and 3: Derek Bowles (The Mind of Derek Bowles

4.  ::Disappointed Expression:: "...is that it?!"
--The Boo (The Boo Report) 

5. "You look so much like my mother."  
--ASpotOfBlog (A Spot of Blog
6. "Is it alright if my friend watches?" 
--Andrew G. Carson (The Housebound Writer

7.  "I was born with a little penis... Actually it wasn't really a little penis, it was an extended clitoris... The doctor cut it off when I was born..." 
--FreakSmack (Funny Mugshots
FYI: He stated that someone ACTUALLY said that to him... FAIL!

8. "How'd you get these scratches on your back?" 
--Hank Plumley (Photography by Hank Plumley

9. "My Gary gets out of jail tomorrow!" 
--J. Dominic Fisher (Jacobin Reason

10. "That's not a wart, it's just a birthmark." 
--Alex (Cooking for Assholes

Well, that's all folks!  Those are pretty awful, right?  Think you can do worse? Drop it in the comments!

Toodles Biatches! 

Friday, August 6, 2010

How Cool Is This?!

This really isn't a post.  Think of it as one of those annoying ass filler episodes in a season of your most favoritest show. Your most favoritest show should be True Blood. Only a few episodes left, how sad is that???!

My bad, I'm sure I have an Attention Deficit Disorder, but was never properly diagnosed.

OK, so for the good news...finally...

Speeddate.com featured me on their blog! Horror Date #1: Runs in With the Law.

They sent me an e-mail asking what my most horrific date EVER was and of course my choice was the Corona and I Have a Rocky Past...     story.  That date was a complete and EPIC fail.  

So check out my write-up at www.speeddate.com    and hell, maybe you should sign up.  Shit, maybe I should sign up? I'm not having so much luck with this dating thing, but whatever...it's not my fault that these men can't handle all my HAWTness...

Coming up soon...

I STILL need to tell you guys about my amazing trip to Canada and I will, be patient with me, my life is a complete circus right now!

Toodles Biatches!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Guest Spotlight: Emma! (The Better Half of the Housebound Writer)

How often is it that you hear both sides to ANY story? Well, about a month ago I had Andrew Carson as a Guest Spotlight: The Housebound Writer, it was about his first date with Emma...his first date after NINE YEARS.  If you haven't read it , you should, because it is an amazing story. 

Anyways, I was lucky enough to get BOTH perspectives to this particular story.  Emma sent me her version of their first date! Enjoy!

Why Mr. Right Is Better Than Mr. Right Now!

I’ve dated some complete zeroes in my time who are either just interested in me because sex with a yoga teacher is on the list of things to do before you die or they are more turned on by their own bodies than by any girl’s.

I once had a date with a guy who’s name was, without a word of a lie “Joe King” and he was the least funny guy I’ve ever met. He spent the entire dinner date telling me what not to eat, as I’ll get fat. I was like, "Hey buddy,  I’m a God damn Yoga teacher, I know how to watch my figure, which is something you will never do, yah putz."

Now, my Mr. Right is different from these guys, he hasn’t got a six pack... he likes to say, "I’ve got a keg and who doesn’t like keg parties?" (LOL!) 

We first met on a movie forum online when a guy, who without a doubt still lives in his Momma’s basement, has never had a date... period, and goes by the name GeorgeLucasIsGod117, was attacking a comment I made. My comment was, “Independent movies have to rely on great characters rather than great plot devices or CGI so they tend to be better written than Studio Pictures.” I thought it was a fair point.

He returned with, “Bitch, you don’t know wet d**k about flicks go back to your Sex And The City chick flick s**t dildo box set and let the men talk.”

About 10 seconds later, while I was about to write a nasty reply, a mystery poster called AndrewGCarson wrote, “Hey w**kface, you’re out of line, apologise or I’ll come over there and kick you’re a**e.”

Mr.117 replied, “Sorry I shouldn’t have said that, can you forgive me? Hey big man you wouldn‘t really come over would you?” Ha!  From that day on, for three months we talked everyday on MSN and SKYPE.

Now, for about three weeks before we went on our first date I had developed feelings, strong feelings, hell I can admit I fell in love with him, but shooosh that’s between us only! I was to shy to tell him, as our friendship meant a lot to me, but I bucked up the courage with the help of some wine (a bottle) and asked him out for coffee via E-mail.

I couldn’t do it over the webcam and see him squirm if he wasn’t interested. Thankfully, he said yes after the 10th time I asked him. He’s very shy himself about conversation and being in public, as he has lived in his own head for so long... if you guys know him, you’ll know his back-story and understand.

The day arrives and we are to meet at 2 PM, but I got there at 1:43, I know, smacks of desperation, but people, this is Mr Right we’re talking about here! So, he get’s there on time and immediately thinks he is late cause I’m already there. He gets so cute when he’s flustered.

We go in, and he holds my chair for me as I sit down. Very charming... I’ve never once had a date do that for me. We sit down and commence our usual random conversations that have us giggling like idiots, when this tool who is sitting at the next table leans towards us, away from his date and begins talking on his phone.

 Drew let out a, "You got to be f***ing kidding me, a***hole," which makes the guy get up and leave sharply. Drew sits shell-shocked, not believing he actually said it, but I found it hilarious and it is forever cemented in my mind as my first experience of one of his “Brain Fart” moments when his inner monologue stops working....think Austin Powers, lol.

The only scary thing during the date was when he had one of his seizures, but afterwards we didn’t want it to end, so we went back to my place (Did I hear wolf whistles?...LOL) to watch his supposed short film starring James McAvoy and lo and behold, it actually does star a very young James McAvoy acting on screen with Mr. Carson himself! Drew was stealing the scene... absolutely amazing.

Afterward, we talked, we listened to music, we danced badly, lol, and in a moment of looking into his big puppy dog eyes, I decided we should both get lucky again... Don’t Judge, I count all the MSN/SKYPE conversations as dates, so like we had loads more than most people would have before going to bed. LOL, I'll keep telling myself that anyway.

Now Drew has a lot of hang-ups because of his illness. His head plays strange tricks on him, but he’s the only guy I’ve ever known who has hang ups about the size of his... ahem (points downward) who shouldn’t in any way.  How should I put this?... He’s no “Mighty Mouse” he’s a “Hulk“, LOL...

Oh, and Drew made a comment about thanking God or possibly the Devil for me liking him. Well, DrewBear, I totally love you and it’s nothing to do with religion,  it’s because you are the greatest man I’ve ever met and I should point out... Don’t call him, DrewBear he doesn’t like it. (Call him it... it’s totally funny, LOL!)

Emma, Thank You so much for sharing this!  For more info on Andrew G. Carson AKA DrewBear (LOL)... visit The Housebound Writer... 

Toodles Biatches!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Party Girl Plus One, Episode 3: EXtreme Measure

Well Hell-O,

I must admit, I missed this blog...I didn't miss work AT ALL, but I missed writing.  This has become a part of my life as much as everything else and I LOVE all the feedback! I've also met some really awesome people since starting this.

I actually went to Toronto, Ontario and had an AMAZING time, and of course, I have stories...I'm working on those posts now, but I'm rambling...

So, I know this is Wednesday, but we are going to have VIDEO DAY!

Another installment of Party Girl Plus One... Watch, laugh, comment:

MY THOUGHTS: Wow, I can really relate to this one!  Watching this is what reminded me of my Cry Me a River dating story.  I mean this guy was a mess! He dated the chick for THREE months, it had been a year and a half since they broke up and he's still crying like a biatch? 

I also thought I was the only one who took a pre-date drink to calm nerves.  I do this when the guy is REALLY cute and I'm nervous...One (or two) shots of Cuervo and I'm GRRRREAT! 

Have you ever had someone obsess about their EX on a date?  Or worse...cry about it?

For more info about Party Girl Plus One and Jen Dawson, visit http://www.partygirlplusone.com/!

Toodles Biatches!


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