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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Corona and I Have a Rocky Past...

It has come to my attention that for the last two days, I have been pretty damn lazy.

There was the awful Pick-Up Lines on Monday (done by other people, thanks BC!) and "F**ck Yeah!" video day Tuesday, but what can I say? I'm a Bossy Biatch and I like to delegate...

Since I will be on vacation for a few days, not thinking about work OR this blog... (hey, nothing against the blog, but drinking, a hangover, and blogging don't mix.  I will NOT Drunk Blog) I am going to leave you with another one of my unbelievable tales of dating.

I was on the fence about this one, because it makes ME look bad, but it's only like two people that actually read this shit so, whatever.

This guy and I had been on two dates and things were going fairly well. He invited me over to his house to watch a game with him and his friends. We were having a good time, I liked his friends, especially the one that looked better than my date (why didn't I meet HIM first?). Anyways...

One of friends makes a run to the store for beer.  I'm not really a beer drinker,(TEQUILA!!!!) but I wasn't buying, so I couldn't be picky.  He comes back with Corona. We had already been drinking and I wanted to keep my buzz going so I had one, then two, and three...

About a half an hour later, I got a strange feeling in my stomach.  I say strange because it wasn't painful, but...uncomfortable.  I wasn't nauseated, but it just felt odd.  I shrugged it off and had half of Corona number four and that's when the shit hit the fan...

That odd, strange, feeling that I could ignore at first was swiftly building up pressure in my stomach. (Oh, f**k!) I had the Bob Damned Bubble Guts!:

Bubble Guts: [Bubb-al Gutz] The undeniable feeling of uneasiness that comes about after you have consumed something unfavorable.  Usually, inevitably followed by the "Power Shit." That is all.
The pressure was building swiftly and I was getting extremely nervous, because this was just the third date and I could NOT go poop in this man's house.  Especially, with what I was about to unleash. 


So, I had to think fast.  My plan was to just go ahead and tell him that I wasn't feeling well and that I should just go home:
Me: Hey, I'm not feeling too well, I think I should go home.
Him: What's wrong? (I have to shit!)
Me: Well, I, ummm...I have a really bad headache.


Him: I really don't want you to leave.  Can't you take an Advil and lie down for a minute... (Pssh...I need Pepto Bismal...heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, dia-rrhe-a...)
Me: I guess, I can lay down for a minute and see if it helps...(crap, crap CRAP!)
Him: OK, go lay down in my room and I'll bring you some medicine.
I laid down in his room and he brought me some water and an Advil and went back to watching the game. 

I spit out the Advil and put it under the bed...I didn't need to add any other variables to my, uhh...issue.  I lay there in agony for about 15 minutes; at this point, I was sweating.  I finally just got up and ran into the living room and told him I had to go home because I had a migraine and I needed my prescription medication.

I rushed through good- byes, hopped in the car and sped down the highway.  I was almost relieved until...

::Weeeee-ooooo weeeee-oooo:: Yep, I was getting pulled over.  So now I have three things going on.  I have the Bubble Guts, I'm nervous, and now I have gas, because I'm nervous...

The cop walks up to the car: 
Cop: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over.
Me: Yes, I was speeding... matter of fact, I was doing 10 over, so lets get to writing out that ticket!  (I handed him my license and insurance info.)


Cop: Well, you're making this pretty easy, which is unusual. (As he said this, he leaned into the car, probably to see if I had marijuana laying around... I was sweating and looking pretty guilty at this point.) Ugh, ma'am, what is that smell?
Me: You see sir, I was speeding because I need to use the bathroom...like RIGHT now.
Cop: Oh....I...see.  I'll let you go with a warning this time. There is a restaurant just at the next exit.
Me: Thank you sir, but I am almost home and they might charge me a fee for this.  Good night.
So, I was back on the road again.  I got home, and ran in the house, stripping off clothes as I headed to the bathroom.  I was going to need a shower after that one.

And finally...relief... Ahhhhh...

My date called that night to make sure I was OK.  I never told him really happened.  Men don't know women have episodes like this...LOL. Well, they sure as shit do now!

Two lessons learned from this... Corona does NOT like me and if I ever need to get out of a ticket...I'll just pass gas.

Toodles Biatches,

P.S.  Speaking of Biatches, yes, the first picture in this post really is a ring I own...













    

17 comments:

Jess said...

This was hilarious. Awful, but hilarious. Loved the conversation with the cop. I know exactly how you feel, though. As far as my husband knows, the first six months we dated I never pooped. ;)

Black Beri said...

You have great bowels .....there is no way I could have went through all that and still stayed poop free......Loved the way you got out of that ticket....wonder if the officer would have been that nice if you were a guy.......I love Corona, so I don't know what happen.....

BigGiantHat said...

Not just women. But most men don't really care.

I do :(.

Isn't it the worst feeling ever?

Too, too funny :).

:).

Jazz Stanton said...

@ Jess, I know right?... I couldn't have unleashed that beast on him yet...lol

@Black Beri... I have tried it more than once, it was def the Corona...

@BGH... yep, I have poop fright when I don't know someone that well...lol

Deray said...

jajajajaja that was hilarious! note to self: don't drink any beers you haven't had before while on a date ;-)

Andrew G. Carson said...

Well that's what you call a personal blog entry, lol. If I was your date I wouldn't have held it against you if you had to use the bathroom I wouldn't have held anything else against you but I wouldn't hold that against you, lol.

Jazz Stanton said...

That would be a good idea...LOL.

Emma Murty said...

OMG that's bad, lol. So sorry babes but I actually spat out my coffee while reading this it was that funny. Oh and FYI that's as close to a pick up line as Drew get's, I've got my eye on you two, lol.

Jazz Stanton said...

Thanks Emma,

You have NOTHING to worry about...you see all the weird things that happen to me? I have a date disease or something...LOL!

Candy said...

OMG I loved this post...that is so something that could happen to me!!!! Im so glad you made it home!!!

we hate you. love, us said...

haha, oh my gosh that's hilarious...awful, but hilarious. I totally would have gone w/the migraine excuse too. And props to that cop for letting you go.

Bree said...

OMG that is too funny, but awful at the same time!

theTsaritsa said...

If I ever get pulled over I'm gonna have to remember to fart!

Jazz Stanton said...

@ we hate you...there was no way I was telling the truth

Bree...thanks, LOL.

theTsaritsa...hey, it works...he was completely grossed out, I'm pretty sure he talked about me over the radio...LOL

MacNimble said...

I had to read this post in stages -- I kept throwing up in my mouth a little.

And by the way, you might want to avoid using cute little names for things like "Bubble Guts." Just saying, that's where nicknames come from.

Queenie said...

Oh, this is too funny. The same thing happened to me but my story didn't end like yours...I was actually coming back from taking an ex loser to work and had to go woo woo so bad. I was sweating and the hair was standing up on my arms, chills. I finally made it to the gas station and I seriously thought about just going behind the building but I ran inside and when the clerk finally noticed me she said "The bathroom is out of order". I felt like I was going to throw up and ran back to my car. I started zipping in and out of traffic on the highway and also go pulled over by a sherrif. He pointed out that I was driving dangerously. I wanted to tell him that there was some dangerous shit about to happen. I told him I had to go woo woo and it was a code red. I even pointed to the hair standing up on my arms, sweat beading down my forehead. He finally let me go. Damn, I should have got him to escort me to the nearest rest stop. I got back on the road, speeding again, trying to find a poo place and then, it happened. I couldn't stop it and I woo woo'd IN MY CAR. I was so embarrassed even though it was just me. I pulled up at a red light, humiliated and these dudes pulled up next to me and the driver was checking me out as if to say "Hey baby, what's up?". I so wanted to be like "Dude, I just shit myself...want some?". I was still sick and had to go again but I had on khaki pants and there was no way I could walk in a gas station with shit pants. So, at the next red light...I just woo woo'd again. God the agony, the embarrassment. There was a newspaper on the floor of the car so I tried to put in underneath my booty but it was bad woo woo because well, it was hangover woo woo. Bad woo woo. I had newspaper wrapped all over me. I finally made it home to my apartment and there were people outside walking their dogs, hanging around. I had to figure out how to get from my car to my apartment without anyone seeing my shitness. I was wrapped in newspaper from the waist down. Running to my apartment, the woo woo was running DOWN my leg, I was so grossed out at my own wooness. I finally made it in and had to pull my pants off in the bathroom so I could jump in the shower. It was terrible. I got clean and threw the pants in a garbage bag and went and threw them in the dumpster. I was relieved that my shitty day was over, then I remembered that I had left my damn Drives License in the backpocket and there was no way of getting into the dumpster to get it. So, I'm sure all the dumpster hoppers found my license and now knew what I shitty person I was. When my ex loser finally got home, he walked into the apartment and said "What smells like shit?". I blamed it on the dog.

Jazz Stanton said...

@ MacNimble...does that mean you are going to call me Bubble Guts from now on? LOL...Bubble Guts is Not a cute nickname for anything...especially when you know what it is.

@Queenie...damn I almost peed myself reading this... you should have emailed me this story so! OMG SO FUNNY! Nice...blaming it on the dog...haaaa!

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