Friday, July 23, 2010

Welcome To Jazz Stanton's School of Etiquette: Texting

I love texting.  Whoever thought of it, gets a big ol' smooch.

Unlike phone conversations, there are no "awkward pauses" or listening to someone breathe in the phone because they called you, but really didn't have a damn thing to talk about. 

What in the shit made you think of me in your bored state? Now, I have to figure out a valid reason so I can get the hell off the phone. "Uhhh, I have to take a poop, can I call you back?" (Hey, it works EVERY time.)

Some just don't know the definition of "Phone":

Phone: [Fohn] noun, verb (used with object), verb (used without object), A device used for the exchange of valid and useful information or succulent gossip. If you have nothing valid or useful to say please refer to F**kfacebook or Twitter. That is all. (Yeah, biatches "that is all"  IS part of the definition.)

With texting...you text me, I text back...or not.

It's almost cheating, I can sit and think about what I want to say and edit it before pressing "send" to ship it through space, past Mars and to your Android.

However, (you knew that was coming) you should follow proper texting etiquette.  Don't know what that is?  No worries, I got you covered.

Jazz Stanton's Texting Etiquette

1. Please, for the love of tequila, make sure you are texting the right person, especially if you are talking shit about someone else.  I have at least one time been thinking about someone (the person I'm talking shit about) and selected their name instead of the one I want to send the text to. That is a true "Oh, F**K!" moment when you realize all but too late that they are probably reading that ish RIGHT NOW.  So, check the name and then check again before you send.

2. The text area is about 160 characters, almost like Twitter.  If the text screen starts going into "2 of 2", please just call the person, download an AIM app, or perhaps you need to start a blog, because you have too much to say for a text and nobody wants to read all that shit.  

3. Remember when you send the text, interpretation is left up to the reader.  Meaning, the receiver is not going to be able to tell what the tone of the text is, so be careful of what you say...

For Example:
Text: Shut up!
Meaning 1: Girl, stop it! 
Meaning 2: No...really. Shut. Up.

4. If I text you, DO NOT call me. When did your phone ring?  Right. It didn't.  I might be texting you because my mouth is occupied and I can't talk or True Blood might be on.

Exception: I have a friend, bless her heart, that sometimes her texts are so cryptic that I can't tell if I'm supposed to know what she meant or if it was a typo. In this case it's actually easier just to talk to her on the phone than to hurt myself trying decipher it.

5. If you text like this: Hay wutz up how yu doink babee uso dam pritty wen kan we go owt? 

Ummm, our first date would be to Barnes & Nobles to get you a Dictionary, but no worries, texting like that won't get you a first date. Yes, texting is an informal form of communication, but this just makes me think your  elementary school education failed you. 

6. Please be mindful of pictures.  

Men: If I get one more "penis picture", I'll freakin' scream. Especially the ones that have captions,"His name is Superman."  Yeah right, try Mighty Mouse.  

The thought that you sat or stood somewhere and ::ahem:: positioned (?) IT correctly so that you could get the right angle (?) to take a picture of IT...
Either you're a perv or you just have WAY too much time on your hands.  Get a hobby or go "poke" people on Facebook until someone as pervy as you responds.

Women: No booby pictures.  No ass pictures.  I don't care how much he begs or how often and if he keeps asking, you should drop him anyway, because he is probably about to send you a Penis Picture (Dick Flick? ROFL...Dick Flick.).  

He gets mad and your NEKKID pics are all over Facebook, Myspace, Twitpic, and BoobTube...not good, if you want to be on American Idol.

So there you have it boys and girls, you passed Texting Etiquette: 101.

P.S.  Yes, I am a Truebie.  Eric is such a VILF, he could bite me anytime... (Don't Judge Me.)


Andrew G. Carson said...

Hey Jazz, I have a little black book I carry about with me, no not that type of black book, lol, it has things I find hard to remember in it, appointment times, people’s names, my name, lol, and what the hell various text speak means. I was bypassed by the texting thing being someone who didn’t own a cell phone for nearly ten years so you can guess my problems trying to decipher Emma’s cryptic messages. Like what does i<3u mean? She ends every text with it, and yes I am totally clueless I know, lol.

Jazz Stanton said...


That's actually kind of cute...LOL.

PrincessBeks said...

love this post, your toally right about not txtin pics although i have failed on that one a few time whoops !!
especially liked His name is Superman." Yeah right, try Mighty Mouse. it is normally the case ha ha!!
and i totally hate those msgs that are sooo abrieviated it's like another language just speak god dam english people!!

@Andrew G yea it is kinda cute lol but i >3 u means i love you the >3 is meant to be a heart!

Deray said...

jajajajajaja that was a great post Jazz! Can I add one rule?
If you are going to answer to a text that you got 5 hours ago, please remind what the heck we were talking about, I might have moved on with my life by then =P.

timethief said...

Ha! ha! ha! I loved this post and laughed all the way through reading it. :D This part was so hilarious "If I get one more "penis picture", I'll freakin' scream. Especially the ones that have captions,"His name is Superman." Yeah right, try Mighty Mouse. " I can't believe how dull witted some people are online --- DUH.

Jazz Stanton said...

OMG! @Deray...I can't believe I didn't think of that one!

@Titi thank you.. and that really did happen...LOL!

Love ya!

Emma Murty said...

Hello Jazz that's a gr8 list and I'm with you on number 2 I absolutely hate when someone sends me a text that's 2 pages long if it's that in-depth and important call me! LOL, I see Mr. Carson has already left a comment- he's so clueless when it comes to texting it's unreal thanks for not telling him what it means I like teasing him with text jargon and watching him trying to work it out, ROTFL, love this blog.

Jazz Stanton said...

Hey Emma,

I thought Andrew's lack of knowledge about text lingo was adorable. It means he hasn't yet been tarnished by technology. You're so lucky...LOL!

Love ya!

Jess said...

I hate it when people call and have nothing to say, or text and cannot spell. Maybe it's because I'm an English major, but incorrect spelling and punctuation drive me up the wall.

The worst is my younger cousin, who insists on typing the last letter of each word twice, so her messages always look like this:

"Heyy, whatt youu doinn rightt noww cozz?"

Teens (and appallingly, some adults) go overboard with the "IM talk" too. All of the LOL, rofl, lmao, idk, wtf, brb.....that's just too much to decipher.

Makes me want to throw a shoe at them.

Sorry, I'm done venting. Love your blog! Found you on 20sb! Following! :)

Jazz Stanton said...

Nice to meet you Jess, I didn't even know my profile was approved yet...LOL.

"Heyy, whatt youu doinn rightt noww cozz?"

would annoy the shit out of me!

Come back and vent anytime!

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