Thursday, July 29, 2010

On Vacation

So, I'll be gone until Wednesday...When I get back, I want my mailbox (thedateexperiment@gmail.com) to be full of your stories and questions. That is all.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Corona and I Have a Rocky Past...

It has come to my attention that for the last two days, I have been pretty damn lazy.

There was the awful Pick-Up Lines on Monday (done by other people, thanks BC!) and "F**ck Yeah!" video day Tuesday, but what can I say? I'm a Bossy Biatch and I like to delegate...

Since I will be on vacation for a few days, not thinking about work OR this blog... (hey, nothing against the blog, but drinking, a hangover, and blogging don't mix.  I will NOT Drunk Blog) I am going to leave you with another one of my unbelievable tales of dating.

I was on the fence about this one, because it makes ME look bad, but it's only like two people that actually read this shit so, whatever.

This guy and I had been on two dates and things were going fairly well. He invited me over to his house to watch a game with him and his friends. We were having a good time, I liked his friends, especially the one that looked better than my date (why didn't I meet HIM first?). Anyways...

One of friends makes a run to the store for beer.  I'm not really a beer drinker,(TEQUILA!!!!) but I wasn't buying, so I couldn't be picky.  He comes back with Corona. We had already been drinking and I wanted to keep my buzz going so I had one, then two, and three...

About a half an hour later, I got a strange feeling in my stomach.  I say strange because it wasn't painful, but...uncomfortable.  I wasn't nauseated, but it just felt odd.  I shrugged it off and had half of Corona number four and that's when the shit hit the fan...

That odd, strange, feeling that I could ignore at first was swiftly building up pressure in my stomach. (Oh, f**k!) I had the Bob Damned Bubble Guts!:

Bubble Guts: [Bubb-al Gutz] The undeniable feeling of uneasiness that comes about after you have consumed something unfavorable.  Usually, inevitably followed by the "Power Shit." That is all.
The pressure was building swiftly and I was getting extremely nervous, because this was just the third date and I could NOT go poop in this man's house.  Especially, with what I was about to unleash. 

So, I had to think fast.  My plan was to just go ahead and tell him that I wasn't feeling well and that I should just go home:
Me: Hey, I'm not feeling too well, I think I should go home.
Him: What's wrong? (I have to shit!)
Me: Well, I, ummm...I have a really bad headache.

Him: I really don't want you to leave.  Can't you take an Advil and lie down for a minute... (Pssh...I need Pepto Bismal...heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, dia-rrhe-a...)
Me: I guess, I can lay down for a minute and see if it helps...(crap, crap CRAP!)
Him: OK, go lay down in my room and I'll bring you some medicine.
I laid down in his room and he brought me some water and an Advil and went back to watching the game. 

I spit out the Advil and put it under the bed...I didn't need to add any other variables to my, uhh...issue.  I lay there in agony for about 15 minutes; at this point, I was sweating.  I finally just got up and ran into the living room and told him I had to go home because I had a migraine and I needed my prescription medication.

I rushed through good- byes, hopped in the car and sped down the highway.  I was almost relieved until...

::Weeeee-ooooo weeeee-oooo:: Yep, I was getting pulled over.  So now I have three things going on.  I have the Bubble Guts, I'm nervous, and now I have gas, because I'm nervous...

The cop walks up to the car: 
Cop: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over.
Me: Yes, I was speeding... matter of fact, I was doing 10 over, so lets get to writing out that ticket!  (I handed him my license and insurance info.)

Cop: Well, you're making this pretty easy, which is unusual. (As he said this, he leaned into the car, probably to see if I had marijuana laying around... I was sweating and looking pretty guilty at this point.) Ugh, ma'am, what is that smell?
Me: You see sir, I was speeding because I need to use the bathroom...like RIGHT now.
Cop: Oh....I...see.  I'll let you go with a warning this time. There is a restaurant just at the next exit.
Me: Thank you sir, but I am almost home and they might charge me a fee for this.  Good night.
So, I was back on the road again.  I got home, and ran in the house, stripping off clothes as I headed to the bathroom.  I was going to need a shower after that one.

And finally...relief... Ahhhhh...

My date called that night to make sure I was OK.  I never told him really happened.  Men don't know women have episodes like this...LOL. Well, they sure as shit do now!

Two lessons learned from this... Corona does NOT like me and if I ever need to get out of a ticket...I'll just pass gas.

Toodles Biatches,

P.S.  Speaking of Biatches, yes, the first picture in this post really is a ring I own...


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Party Girl Plus One Episode 2: Date One, Smell Fetish

Can I get a "Hell Yeah!" for Video Day?

The following video is Jen's first date after deciding that the Party Girl needed a plus one.  You know what to do: Watch, laugh, and comment...

My Thoughts:  First of all, where do I sign up to be a wine taster? Do they have Tequila tasters? My alter ego and I had a meeting and decided that Tequila Tasting should be a career move for me...

I don't think I have had anything as creepy as this happen to me on a date...yet.  I mean a smell fetish is pretty freakin' gross.  You shouldn't stick your nose in places that it doesn't belong. 

Ever dated anyone with a Freaky Fetish?  Comment or better yet, why the hell haven't you sent me that story?

For more info about Jen and her video series visit Party Girl Plus One.

Hope you enjoyed Video Day! Toodles, biatches!

P.S.  If you missed the first episode, check it out here: Party Girl Plus One, Episode 1

Monday, July 26, 2010

What The F**K Did You Just Say To Me?

The Pick-up Line...

Just the phrase "Pick-up Line" is frightening.  I mean, it is essentially a string of words put together in order to engage (horrify) the opposite sex.  

I asked some of my fellow Bloggers to contribute the worst Pick-up Lines they had ever heard and WOW, did they come through!

I chose ten of them and provided a link to the submitters blog, because their awesome!  So, check out these Bob awful Lines and then check out these super-fine blogs...

1.  "If you're not too busy throwing up, I'd love to buy you a drink."  
--Andrew (The Housebound Writer)

2.  "Is your mom a terrorist?"
      "Cause you're the bomb." 

--Antonia (Lifting Me Up

3.  "I am going to lick your arm to see if that tattoo is real and I might not stop there." 
--Claire (A Little Piece of Me and Other Bits and Pieces)

4.  "Are you a parking ticket?"
       "I'm sorry?"
       "You got fine written all over you."
--Funkeewebmistress (Funkkeejooce)

5.  "I lost my phone number can I have yours?"
--Meghan (Random Rediculous Rants)

6.  ::Smiles, beckons with finger::
      Assuming she's out of it enough to respond...
      ::Walks over::
      "If I can make you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole body..."

7.  "Girl, I'd like to take you home and crack that yolk." What the hell does that even mean?
--Both 6 and 7  were provided by AJ (Under My Fitted)

8.  "I will be Burger King and you can be McDonalds...I will have it my way and you will be lovin' it."
--Brent (tayappention

9.  "Doll, I'd wear you like a horse wears a feedbag."  I just threw up a little in my mouth...
--Bill (Bill's Blog) 
This happened to be my favorite one, it has a story to go with it.  The line isn't nearly as funny without the WHOLE story:

10.  When I was 15 I worked in a grocery store bagging groceries, well almost all grocery store cashiers are women, and some of them were pretty hot, so I heard a lot of bad pickup lines. The best ones are when the girl is kind of ditzy and doesn't get it. 

One time, this guy gets in line with something little like a pack of gum, and waits for a $100 order to go through, when other lines are open...I knew something good was coming out of this guys mouth.

He gets up, gets his one chance to make an impression and says "Are you from Tennessee?", she says "no?", then he replies with "Well you're the only Ten I See!", she stares at him for a second with a quizzical look on her face, then says "This is Florida.". 

Dude looks at her, then he looks at me. I shrug my shoulders, he walks out shaking his head. Then I explained to her what he meant as I laughed my ass off.  
-- FreakSmack (Funny Mugshots)

If someone said any of these to me, I would want to knee him in the Nuts.  Seriously, give me a Kit Kat, there really are people out there who think that these would work?

Whatever happened to, "Hi,..."? That simple little word goes so much further than 1 through 10. 

Can you think of anymore equally awful "Pick-ups"?  

Toodles, Biatches!

P.S. Tomorrow is VIDEO DAY!! F**K YEAH!


Friday, July 23, 2010

Welcome To Jazz Stanton's School of Etiquette: Texting

I love texting.  Whoever thought of it, gets a big ol' smooch.

Unlike phone conversations, there are no "awkward pauses" or listening to someone breathe in the phone because they called you, but really didn't have a damn thing to talk about. 

What in the shit made you think of me in your bored state? Now, I have to figure out a valid reason so I can get the hell off the phone. "Uhhh, I have to take a poop, can I call you back?" (Hey, it works EVERY time.)

Some just don't know the definition of "Phone":

Phone: [Fohn] noun, verb (used with object), verb (used without object), A device used for the exchange of valid and useful information or succulent gossip. If you have nothing valid or useful to say please refer to F**kfacebook or Twitter. That is all. (Yeah, biatches "that is all"  IS part of the definition.)

With texting...you text me, I text back...or not.

It's almost cheating, I can sit and think about what I want to say and edit it before pressing "send" to ship it through space, past Mars and to your Android.

However, (you knew that was coming) you should follow proper texting etiquette.  Don't know what that is?  No worries, I got you covered.

Jazz Stanton's Texting Etiquette

1. Please, for the love of tequila, make sure you are texting the right person, especially if you are talking shit about someone else.  I have at least one time been thinking about someone (the person I'm talking shit about) and selected their name instead of the one I want to send the text to. That is a true "Oh, F**K!" moment when you realize all but too late that they are probably reading that ish RIGHT NOW.  So, check the name and then check again before you send.

2. The text area is about 160 characters, almost like Twitter.  If the text screen starts going into "2 of 2", please just call the person, download an AIM app, or perhaps you need to start a blog, because you have too much to say for a text and nobody wants to read all that shit.  

3. Remember when you send the text, interpretation is left up to the reader.  Meaning, the receiver is not going to be able to tell what the tone of the text is, so be careful of what you say...

For Example:
Text: Shut up!
Meaning 1: Girl, stop it! 
Meaning 2: No...really. Shut. Up.

4. If I text you, DO NOT call me. When did your phone ring?  Right. It didn't.  I might be texting you because my mouth is occupied and I can't talk or True Blood might be on.

Exception: I have a friend, bless her heart, that sometimes her texts are so cryptic that I can't tell if I'm supposed to know what she meant or if it was a typo. In this case it's actually easier just to talk to her on the phone than to hurt myself trying decipher it.

5. If you text like this: Hay wutz up how yu doink babee uso dam pritty wen kan we go owt? 

Ummm, our first date would be to Barnes & Nobles to get you a Dictionary, but no worries, texting like that won't get you a first date. Yes, texting is an informal form of communication, but this just makes me think your  elementary school education failed you. 

6. Please be mindful of pictures.  

Men: If I get one more "penis picture", I'll freakin' scream. Especially the ones that have captions,"His name is Superman."  Yeah right, try Mighty Mouse.  

The thought that you sat or stood somewhere and ::ahem:: positioned (?) IT correctly so that you could get the right angle (?) to take a picture of IT...
Either you're a perv or you just have WAY too much time on your hands.  Get a hobby or go "poke" people on Facebook until someone as pervy as you responds.

Women: No booby pictures.  No ass pictures.  I don't care how much he begs or how often and if he keeps asking, you should drop him anyway, because he is probably about to send you a Penis Picture (Dick Flick? ROFL...Dick Flick.).  

He gets mad and your NEKKID pics are all over Facebook, Myspace, Twitpic, and BoobTube...not good, if you want to be on American Idol.

So there you have it boys and girls, you passed Texting Etiquette: 101.

P.S.  Yes, I am a Truebie.  Eric is such a VILF, he could bite me anytime... (Don't Judge Me.)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Cry Me a River...

I had actually forgotten about this date, but Jen from Party Girl Plus One sort of "reminded" me when I was watching one of her videos.

As bad as this date was, it is no wonder it was buried in the dark and dreary recesses of my subconscious. Well, enjoy...

My friends and I were having the usual "Girl's Night Out" one Saturday and this guy approaches me; we talk for a while about random shit...the only thing I really remember from that conversation is that he called me beautiful (he obviously has GREAT taste...3 points for him!).

I got really good vibes from him; he was well dressed all the way down to the shoes, nice body (yay for muscles!) and he smelled REALLY good...(I love it when a man wears great cologne, it is a HUGE turn on and it means they pay attention to details.)

He called me a couple days later and we had an awesome conversation.  He was smart, educated, and funny-- we ended up talking for like two hours.  I didn't want it to end, but I had to work in the morning.

Before the call was over, he asked me out on a date for that Saturday.

Fast forward to Saturday...

We were going to go out to eat and catch a movie, but it was cold, rainy and downright depressing...(normal, shitty Ohio weather.So we decide to have a movie night in... I just threw on an Aeropostale t-shirt and some snug fitting jeans and went to his house.

The movie completely sucked big ones, so we start talking.  At first, it's just normal conversation, but then he starts talking about past relationships and I'm like, "Here we go..."

I actually managed to redirect the conversation to something else, but then he started getting all philosophical and shit. Which is fine...whatever...but then this guy's eyes started tearing up: (We'll just call him "Cry Baby", CB for short."

CB: I mean the past two years have been really rough...

Me: Really...? (Zzzzzz)

CB: Yeah, I had a great job and I wasn't happy.  It was too stressful, I thought being a financial advisor was what I wanted, but it just isn't for me.

Me: Wait, you had a job?  (Why me?)

CB: (Sniffle)  Yeah, but I think everyone should just do what makes them happy. (Where does this dude live, fucking Candyland?...Seriously?)

Me: Well, how long did you work there?

CB: 3 months. (Wow, can you say commitment phobia?

Me: So, you just quit.  Like, one day, you said, "Hey, I don't want to be here anymore! I QUIT F**KERS!" ???

Side note: Now, I am all for spontaneity, but this is real life. I absolutely HATE my job, but I need it to reach my goals. If you're going to do some shit like this, I need you to have a back-up plan.  That is all.

CB: (In full blown cry mode at this point.) See, (sniff) that's what you women do, you just judge, without trying to understand.

Me: I am not judging, but apparently you aren't happy with your decision either....You.  Are. Crying. (and freaking me out.)

CB: I'm just sens(sniff)itive. I just felt I could share things with you.  (Not your nasty ass snot, Bozo.)

Me: Oh. (Whatever, call me a stone-cold bitch if you want, but WTF was I supposed to say? I'm not good with criers.)

CB: But, I have a plan. (Oh yeah?)

Me: Oh yeah?  

CB: Yes, I am going to be a clothing designer. (He says this as he "nonchalantly" wipes snot on my shoulder.)

Me: A...designer... (Not only was he crying, but at this point, I thought he was gay too.)

CB: I just love fashion...want to see my new Louis Vuitton wallet? (Yep...gay.)

Me: OK, well good thing you have a back-up plan...good luck with that.  I hate to cut the night short, but I have homework and stuff.  So...see ya.

You see what I did there?  That was an escape sentence...it means, "I want to leave, right now."  He didn't take the hint...he talked for like another hour or so.  I say HE talked, because he was pretty much talking to himself...I might as well have been a wall. 

 All I did was nod and smile.  Eventually, I said I had to go to the bathroom, and my plan was to just go for the EXIT, since I had taken my purse and coat with me (yes, I planned my escape.)

To my complete and utter horror, he was waiting for me outside the door.  He lunged for me and tried to kiss me! 

That was when I figured he wasn't gay, but I couldn't help but wonder at what point in this date he thought that I would have been turned on?

The crying?  The lack of initiative to keep a job? The chronic complaining he just did for 4 hours? 

Yeah baby, that's HOTT!...

Ummm...NOT... I nearly kicked him in his meatballs trying to escape.

Yes, ladies and gents, I made him cry on the first date.  I didn't know how to react to this rush of emotion.  I mean I am all for guys showing their "softer" side, but for Snookie's sake, really? 

Needless to say, the Cry Baby and I have not been on another date.  He kept calling for a awhile and then resorted to stalking me on F**kfacebook. 

Thanks for reading another one of my heinous dating stories and feel free to send me your own stories, questions or advice (or if you're just pitiful and lonely)  @ thedateexperiment@gmail.com.

P.S.  Jennifer Dawson of Party Girl Plus One, in all her awesomeness, wrote about my blog on her video series web page, check out what she said by clicking here!

Party Girl Plus One: Episode 1, Party Girl Plus One Night Stand

Do you remember at the beginning of class when your Earth Science teacher said,"Today, we are watching a video." and the whole class was like, "F**k Yeah, free time!"?

Well class, today and every Tuesday after, you are going to watch a video. Not Bill Nye the Science Guy, but Party Girl Plus One.  

Jennifer Dawson, from PartyGirlPlusOne.Com, e-mailed me about her web series of videos based on her diary.  She is a 30-something divorcee thrown back into the dating scene and she decided to keep a diary chronicling her conquests.

I can tell you a great story, but what's better than watching it? Which is exactly what Jen must of thought, because she came up with this hilarious video dating series.

So, each week, I'll post a new video of hers, give my thoughts on it and then you comment on them...capisce?

My Thoughts: Jen said,"Not close to anyone, but also not alone." 

I am a self-proclaimed "Party Girl" all day.  I am almost always surrounded by people and when I'm not, I am doing something...I try to stay busy. 

I hardly remember what it's like to be in a relationship and I can't recall being any happier at that time.  After all these crash landings some people call dates, I wonder if I'm not just better off single.  I don't have time to feel lonely. Maybe it's because I haven't seen my "old self" at the bar like Jen did...

Have you seen your "old self"?  Did watching this make you want to find your "plus one"?

Make sure you visit http://www.partygirlplusone.com for more info about Jen and her video diary!

Thanks Jen, for finding my little piece of the blogosphere!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Why I F*%@in' Hate Facebook...

This might be a more of rant than a blog post...I added a Public Service Announcement that contains something about dating, so there...

The title of this post is blasphemous to some, downright sacrilegious to others. 

Well, guess what? You and Facebook should just get married and have little evil Facebook babies with a lowercase "f" tatted on their stupid foreheads.

Granted Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with people that you don't want to talk to on the phone, but now with all the foofy additions and games and ads and stalkers, the face of Facebook has turned downright ugly.

Why do I hate Facebook so much (besides the fact that Mark Zuckerberg sells all our personal info and changes the privacy settings every 2 minutes) ? Let me count the ways:

1. I have an "alias" on Facebook. The reason?   I was sick of random friend requests from people I didn't know. I also didn't want my job or a job I was applying for to find me and my drunken, half naked, very inappropriate pictures...they wouldn't take me seriously. 

So, I changed my name to a moniker that only  my close friends know.  There is no trace of my actual name on Facebook...I have checked and other people have double-checked, but when you search my name (my real name)  my profile still pops up.  WTF? Facebook, really?  I am trying to hide all my hotness from people, OBVIOUSLY, and you are making this really hard for me to do. AND I actually get MORE friend requests than I did before.  You DO NOT know this person, the name is fake!

Anybody out there successfully have a fake identity on Facebook?  Please tell me how you did it...thanking you in advance.

2Facebook is not MySpace.  Well, it wasn't.  Facebook was like Safe Sex...MySpace was like the "Red Light District"... for the more risque.   Remember when Facebook was just for college students and alumni ? Back then you could keep the crazy antics and pictures between you and your classmates.  MySpace was there for...everybody else. Now, Facebook is for the general public...including family members and co-workers.  Let's face it, there is a side of us that these people should NEVER see.  Hence, my alias...which completely freakin backfired anyway.

It almost makes sense to have two Facebook accounts; one for the drunken antics and a "professional" account.  But who the fuck wants to go through all that?  Now, my Grandma and a few co-workers, know my "alter-ego"and what happens when Jose Cuervo and I get together... WTF!?

3.  Who knew that friends of friends could see your pictures too?  I sure as shit didn't, until recently, when the Baby Mama of an Ex Friend with Benefits decided to comment on almost all my pictures.  They must have had a conversation about me at one point for her to find me because I didn't know this bitch from Adam.  Why? Because I'm the shit...but anyway...

So I go to the confusing ass privacy settings and lock all that down.  I feel like this extra step took 5 minutes of my life, that I can never have back.  Why the hell are friends of friends aloud to look at MY pictures by fucking default?  That stupid biatch AND the Ex Friend with Benefits...BLOCKED. 

4. The "poking" feature.  You can't "poke" me in real life weirdo, so don't effin poke me virtually either.  WTF does that mean anyway? Are you trying to get my "virtual" attention? 

NOTIFICATION: You have been "poked" by some stupid ass who apparently has nothing to say, but wants to molest you online.

5.  The "like" button.  People "like" the most inappropriate things. 

STATUS: My Grandma died today...sad :-(.  

This status was "liked by 5 people."   WHAT?

I need a "dislike" button.  Can I have one of those?  So I can dislike statuses of people who think Facebook is a free therapy session and also those who "like" their own statuses. Who does that?

6.  Virtual farms and sororities.  I just want to see how my friends are doing, view pictures of their vacations and maybe how big the kids are getting.

I do not, however, want to see my 36 year old friends sending each other farm animals and asking for help to build a barn.  WTF are you doing up at 2 in the freakin morning playing online games.  Online games are fine, but the fact that you bought a LIGER for stupid ass fake farm should not be in my flipping Newsfeed.  Speaking of the Newsfeed...

7.  The Newsfeed sucks (and blows)... Why is it default that when I add a friend or write on someone's wall that it's in the Newsfeed?  How the hell is that news? 

Why does my Newsfeed look like my Spam inbox for my Yahoo! account? Becky sent Gerald a heart! or John took a quiz about you! Who the fuck is John and when did I make a quiz and send it out?

If I write on someone's wall, why is it in the Newsfeed? Yeah, if you go to this person's page, you can see our conversation, but does it really need to be broadcasted?

There is no number eight because this isn't really Facebook's fault (imagine that).  It is the fault of the (ab)users of Facebook.  The following public service announcement is purely opinion and if you don't agree, than simply bitch about it in the comments...


If you are dating someone who seems insecure or gets jealous easily, for the love of chocolate DO NOT accept their friend request.  If you do, you are asking for trouble.  Let someone post one wrong thing or someone TAGS you in a picture that shows you in a compromising position...

I repeat, DO NOT friend request or accept the friend request of a person you are dating. Better yet, BLOCK them, it's as if you never existed in Facebook universe.  If they are already your friend...un-friend them.  Doing this, you can have one less argument.  It's not about trust or hiding something...you cannot control what other people say about you or the pictures they post (unless you threaten bodily harm), but you CAN control what people see (at least until our friend Mark Zuckerberg changes the privacy settings again.) That is all...

After voicing my frustration to many people, now including you, my friend Candy Pants (don't ask)  told me to try Twitter.  She described it as, "Facebook without the fluff." 

So, I signed up and I must say, I like Twitter.  It really is Facebook...no fluff.  I can follow and then unfollow with no remorse and there are no games, ads, or stalkers etc.  I am happy in Twitter world, for right now; it reminds of Facebook circa 2003-2005, when I liked it.

I keep my Facebook page just to stay on top of the happenings around town, but I can only take it in small doses.  Once or twice every two weeks is enough.  The fact that I might actually have to set up a Facebook page for my blog so I can have more than 2 followers makes me throw up a little, but hey, you do what you gotta do. 

How do you feel about Facebook... Love it, Hate it...hope a black hole would open up and swallow it or wish that it was never born?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Guest Spotlight: The Housebound Writer

I'm excited about this Guest Spotlight! He is a fellow blogger from Scotland...yeah my blog is international biatches!  I "met" him on Blog Catalog, a categorized directory of blogs. I ran across his,The Housebound Writer (click to visit), where he reviews movies with sarcasm and humor blended with his personal challenges.  I then read his background story/interview (read it here), which gave a more in depth look into his past and was completely intrigued. The obstacles that he faces and overcomes to still have an optimistic outlook, is absolutely amazing. Towards the end of the interview he mentioned a possibility of meeting a "lass" named Emma.  He was kind enough to share the story of their first date here...

9 1/2 years...

No it’s not a belated sequel to the Mickey Rourke/ Kim Basinger 80s movie 9 ½ weeks but a sad statement on how long it’s been since I had a date before this Saturday. Now before the chorus of laughter let me explain very briefly why this is, for the last 10 years I have been seriously ill and pretty much housebound so for me to get a date it would have to be from a very small pool of possible women, most of which I’m related too and I ain't from that part of Scotland, lol.

My date was with a girl (surprising to some who read my comments on BC) named Emma who I have been talking with on a daily basis for about 3 months online and who had kept the fact that she lived locally to me a secret as she thought it would “weird me out” which it did for all of about 3 seconds. We decided to meet at a local coffee place and I had to inform her that my brother would be coming along but he would sit as far away from us as possible (chorus of laughter part2: laugh louder) this is because I suffer from multiply seizures on a daily basis so he needed to be there to restrain me if one happens. We got there early to find she was already waiting outside which made me instantly paranoid that I was late but she reassured me I was early.

The date got off to somewhat of a good start she found it hilarious that I would hold her chair for her like in some old sixties movie. We talked, we laughed and all was going fine till the guy at the next table, a real sharp suit cheap shoes type, leaned towards our table to commence a conversation on his cell phone, I as usual instead of thinking something said it out loud (illness thing honest) ‘You got to be f***ing kidding me, a***hole.’ I said this louder than I would have hoped. He stood up and exited quickly leaving his coffee date laughing into her hand and Emma patting me on the back for a job well done.

We spent quite a long time just talking about random things and laughing which led to a brief moment where the lean in was open but my brain decides what would be really funny is for when I’m about to make a move for me to have a seizure, if this happened in a movie people would say it was unrealistic and a bull**** ploy to make the guy more likable yada, yada, yada but life ain't like a movie it’s a whole lot stranger I‘ve found. I came round from my seizure about 5 minutes or so later to find Emma kneeling over me holding my hand which is a major improvement from my brother kneeling on my chest to hold me down I can tell you, lol.

We decided to not let the seizure ruin the date and chose to head back to her place this time without the chaperone. We swung by my place to collect a DVD of a short film I wrote/directed when I was 18 as she was fascinated to here it starred a very fresh faced James McAvoy. We watched the film, listened to music, drank copious amounts of wine and Emma showed me some of her paintings she had done for art school. The longer the date went on the more we seemed to hit it off and after slow dancing (which no Scotsman is good at especially one like me with no feeling in his feet) to a French Jazz song that I haven’t a clue of the name Emma decided it was time to head to the bedroom.

Now after 9 and ½ years of off the scale physical pain I wasn’t even sure if what we were going to do was even going to be possible but then again it had 9 and ½ freaking years so I wasn‘t going to say that to her, lol. Strangely I didn’t have the old first time with a new girl nerves it just seemed right and thankfully everything went well because after spending all day with someone that would have been an awkward climax to events so to speak. A little while afterwards we shared a shower together which was slightly more nervy for me as my balance is crap and somehow this feels so much more intimate than sex.

By the time I got home after our 12 hour date there was already an E Mail waiting for me from her telling me how great a time she had had and she signed off with 143 Emma which I have no idea what that means as I have not owned a cell phone in nearly a decade and don’t understand text language at all. The event leaves me puzzling one thing though, what the hell does she actually see in me? I’ll be honest with you I’m no George Clooney or any other celeb the ladies find handsome these days I’m more your typical fat guy with a beard and suicidal thoughts not characteristics that shout out SEXY!!! But for some reason she sees something, thank God or possibly the Devil I’m not quite sure on this one, lol. 

My Thoughts: I know what she sees in you...You're an amazing person! She's lucky you live in Scotland and not the U.S. of A. ::wink wink:: (Don't Judge Me...good men are hard to find.)

Thank you so much for sharing this and I know everything will work out with you and Emma...

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Balancing Act...Part I

Can you a multi-task?

How many things can you do at once?

Let me rephrase...

How many men/women can you DO at once?

Get your mind out of the gutter please! (or stay there, I really don't care).  I'm talking about how many people you're dating at once.  Are you a serial dater or do you date more than one person at a time?

I kind of take on whatever life throws at me.  Meaning, if I happen to meet another person while I am dating, if we are not exclusive, I'll go ahead and date him too.
I like to keep my options open.  Sometimes, it can get a little hectic, because I have been known to make a date with more than one person in the same day.  (As I seem to say time and time again...Don't. Judge. Me.)

I eventually narrow it down to one person that I feel deserves to be the focus of my time and  interest.  I have the tendency to get bored easily and one man has never been able to keep my attention for long.  This could be due to the commitment issues I have ( I know, I know, but that's another post) ...or none of them were worth committing to?

There is also the notion that when you have too many options, it's too hard to choose.  When you have that many choices, you start to base the selection on superficial things like eye color or height.  When this was brought to my attention, I realized, that I gravitate towards the "better looking" option, rather than the smartest or best option. 

This is not my fault and I didn't even know I was doing it. It is a scientific fact (yep, I watch the Discovery Channel...get hip biatches) that humans are genetically predisposed to be attracted to people with symmetrical features a.k.a the attractive ones. 

So, it comes down to this... should I strictly date ONE person at a time to narrow my options? OR

Should I continue to date more than one person ( usually like 3 at a time, I got skills ok?), but override my natural instincts to go for the usual suspects now that I have learned from my flaws?

Maybe I'll try both and let you know what happens...LOL.

What do YOU guys think? Comments, Advice, Past Experiences?

The Balancing Act Part 2 is balancing dating/relationships with friends and family. Stay tuned... 

Random!: Speaking of The Discovery Channel...do you remember that song that went,"You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so lets do it like they do on The Discovery Channel!" ?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Unhappily Ever After


It's like a curse word to some people.  I feel like after someone asks me if I am in a relationship, when I tell them no, their thinking, "What's wrong with you?"

Well, look at it from my point of view.  I have been in some crappy relationships and I feel like it was because I didn't get to know the person well enough.  Hell, I didn't know myself.  The next relationship that I am in... we need to be friends first, so I can figure out if he is wired correctly and not Coo Coo for Cocoa's.

If you're not happy and comfortable with who you are, how can you give the other person what they need? It ain't gonna work.

People do not change while in a relationship, they have to evolve on their own.  I also refuse to carry any hard feelings from one relationship to the other; I just take what I have learned and keep it moving.

As for those people who look at me stupid when I tell them that I am single....you can bite glass, because nothing is wrong with me, but something sure as shit might be wrong with you. 

If you feel like you have to be in a relationship all the time or that you're not a "whole person" without a significant other, you got issues.

Let me "Dr. Phil" it for you...

One relationship to the next; one right after the other, almost no time in between, but it seems like you are dating the same person.  You attract "the same type of people" over and over?  OR...

You stay in a relationship, no matter how bad the other person treats you and put up with all the bullshit they put you through.  You are staying because you got "comfortable."

It isn't OK to be alone, but it's OK to be miserable WITH someone?  Really, where did this ass backwards philosophy come from?

You can't even stand yourself long enough to be alone for more than a month at a time, but you want to make someone else in your life miserable because YOU don't even like YOU?!

This is not a healthy pattern folks.

I am single because I choose to be.  Single to me means that I don't take bullshit and I have standards.  I have an unwillingness to settle and I demand respect.  The person who ends up with me, should feel privileged that I let him into my life.  Everyone should feel like that...it is not arrogant or conceited; if you don't love you, how can you expect someone else to love you?

Since I have taken the time to know myself and be content with who I am as a person, I have something meaningful to put into a relationship, when I choose to be in one.

So don't let anyone put you down or make you think something is wrong with you because you choose NOT to live unhappily ever after.  If they are happy in their relationship, great for them, but don't let them make you feel inadequate.

Single ladies put your middle fingers up to the haters because we are the shit!

P.S.  Send in your dating stories, advice, questions, comments to: thedateexperiment@gmail.com

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

O Brother, What the Hell Art Thou Thinking?

If this hadn't of happened to me, I wouldn't believe it.  This just proves that some men don't have a conscience.

So my friend and I decided to go out on Friday night.  The first place we went to... two thumbs down.  I walked in and they were line dancing.  WTF?! 

I don't line dance.  I am not of the "cougar" generation yet and even when I am... I am STILL not going to line dance.  I mean they were getting down on those arthritic knees. The Electric Slide never looked so sad.

I'm like if this is where I end up for the rest of the night, I need a drink...this needs to be a blur.

We get in a line behind a man with a denim suit and woman with a romper on.  Not the "2010 romper"...it was the ORIGINAL one piece romper from 1970.  In her mind she was thinking, "I'm so happy I never got rid of this, it's back in style!"   Girl, please.

After I tore my eyes away from the psychedelic print on the romper, I asked for the strongest drink the bartender could make.  I paid, turned around and ran smack into my Ex's brother.

The Ex I am referring to is talked about here in the post "One Step Forward...The End."

I mean what the hell are the chances that I run into his brother exactly one week later?

Anyways, we exchange pleasantries and talk about how funny the dancing old people are and then part ways a couple minutes later.

My friend and I stayed at the party for about fifteen more minutes and then left and went Downtown.  And guess who I run into... AGAIN?... Right... the Brother.

I guess this time he had a little more liquid courage running through his veins because he gave me this look.  You know THE look.  He had completely undressed me with his eyes.  I know this look, because I've given it and it works, but under the circumstances was mildly uncomfortable.

It really caught me off guard but I didn't think anything of it... I mean he can look...right?

If only that's ALL he did.  He walks over and whispers in my ear:

Him: Your looking really good tonight.

Me: Why, thank you. (I'm smiling...Don't judge me, I did look good.)

Him: You know...you were with my brother, but I always liked you.

Me: Uh...what? (Uh...what?)

I wish I had had a mirror to see my facial expression.  My feelings are always written all over my face.  My feeling at that moment: Stunned.  I now look at all the times I have been over their house when his brother and I were together in a whole new light.

Him: Yep, I always wanted to bite that. (What?)

As he said this, he grabbed my waist and pulled me closer.

Me: Uhhhh (Hey, what the hell was I supposed to say? I was so shocked it made me sober AND angry that I was now sober.)

Him: You should come see the new house.

Me: Do you two still live together?

Him: Yeah. (I thought I was being Punk'd...seriously?)

Me: Wouldn't that be awkward?

Him: ::shrugs:: No, not at all. 

Me: (I think I'm missing something) You want me to come to your house?

Him: (He is now looking at me like I just walked off the short bus) Yes.

Me: Where you and your brother live?

Him: Uhhh... Yeah.

Me: Give me your number and I'll text you later.

Ok, before you start yelling at the computer screen, let me explain myself.  I just wanted to end the conversation.  I will never call him or hang out with him at "his house" or anywhere else.

Him: xxx-xxxx... call my phone. (Crap!)

I should have anticipated this. I hate the "call my phone" trick. What happened to taking the number and just NOT saving it, but promising to call? What could I do? I called the number.

He called me that night and on the 4th. Part of me wants to ask him what the hell is going on?  It seems like this is all a game; one that I am not willing to play. 

I am taking the best course of action, which is do nothing at all.

Why invite drama into my life when I have none?

He used to have girls coming and going.  When one left another one walked in...unbelievable.  It was like a gynecological office!  Basically, he's a whore.

He uses women with no regard to their feelings and then disposes of them.  Who knows what STD he has?  I wish I would... I don't want anything to do with that dysfunctional family.  Been there, done that...not stupid enough to do it again.

Although, there is this small evil person on my shoulder that wants to see the Ex's face if I would walk in the house.  (Don't worry, I'm not nuts...people have gotten killed over less.)

If I were out for revenge, this would be a great opportunity, but I have wasted too much time and energy being angry at him.  That part of my life is over and I have long since moved on. 

Yep, his number is officially labeled, "DON'T ANSWER!!!!"

Has something like this ever happened to you? Have you ever actually dated a family member or friend of an Ex?


Friday, July 2, 2010

Friends With Benefits: The Rules

A friend with benefits is by definition a person put in place to ummm...help with urges AKA pent up sexual frustration.

There may come a time when you’re in between relationships and you’re not ready for another one—yet you miss the companionship (and you are also not getting any on a regular basis anymore.)

There are always options available…

1. Do nothing and wait for the next one or buy some toys (that are not available from Toys ‘R’ Us).

2. Have sex with the Ex (not a good idea AT ALL)

3. Procure a friend with benefits

Obviously, the best option is number one. Number two is completely off-limits; don’t do it and you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Number three, if you so choose to do so, comes
with limitations and you must be cautious.

First of all, only certain kinds of people can participate in this type of “special” relationship. If you are:

• Hung up on labels (read about labels here)
• Overly emotional
• Prone to fall in love (or infatuation) quickly
• Are the jealous type
• You like to be in control of EVERY situation

This is not something that you should get into and your feelings WILL get hurt in the end.

A good candidate for friends with benefits has had a one night stand (or think they could have one) and left that night feeling no remorse. They also see no issue with not knowing the person’s name and number and never seeing them again. Actually, hoping they never see them again. This isn’t a sure fire test, but if you think you can handle a one night stand than friends with benefits is a breeze. I mean it is essentially a bunch of one night stands; just with the same person, and you know them, and you'll see them again.  OK, maybe it's NOT like a one night stand, but you get my point.

Here are THE RULES:

1. It is strictly about sex and having fun, but mostly, about sex.

2. You may not spend the night.

3. The only calls or texts should be about when your going to meet, where, and what you are about to do when you get there.

4. Friends with benefits do not discuss relationship/dating issues or any other problems you’re having—save it for someone who gives two shits.

5. You may not be friends with benefits with a person you were once in a relationship with. This is NOT about feelings; it’s about satiating a primal need.

6. If you start to have feelings for this person… I mean you like them, like them (yeah, I went grade school on you) … cease and desist immediately. Relationships that began with sex usually don’t work.

7. Last but certainly not least; when it’s over, it’s over; finished, the end, game over. Delete numbers, erase texts and call logs. I don’t care why it’s over; one of you found someone, it just ran its course. The need has been fulfilled and you’re done.

If this is something that might work for you, hey, go for it—you only live once. Usually, one party involved messes up everything, just like everything else in life.

Just make sure you play by the rules boys and girls…


Have you ever been in a friend with benefits situation?

Would you add more rules or don’t agree with one of mine?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Wanting Your Cake and Eating it Too

Duh? If I got the cake, I'm going to eat it right?  I've never understood the saying, but from what people tell me it's about being overindulgent.

You have something that may be good, but you want more... so you cheat...

But what is cheating?  Everyone seems to have their own definition.

Well having sex with someone other than the person your in a relationship with is for sure, no questions asked...cheating; but is kissing cheating?


Sexting? (I don't understand the point, but for the blog's sake, it should be mentioned.)

My personal definition of cheating is doing something you KNOW your significant other would not appreciate.

Have I cheated?

Yep, sure have.


Because in my mind the relationship was already over, I just hadn't gotten around to telling him yet.

I feel like everyone has their own personal reasons for cheating, but there is ALWAYS an underlying reason. 

The other question is, after you've cheated, do you tell?

In my opinion, no, because if you feel bad about it, your just doing it to make yourself feel better and the other person is hurt in the process.

However, if your busted...your busted. No need to lie at that point, because if they ask, more than likely they know what you did (last summer?).

I've never been caught, but I did catch my EX though...not in the act, but I stumbled upon some evidence.

OK,  I admit it...I was snooping.

He left his phone next to me on the bed and went to take a shower.

I kind of just sat there and stared at it for a moment, contemplating, because up to this point he had never done anything for me not to trust him.

This was like leaving a chocolate chip cookie in front of a fat kid and walking away.  Like he wanted me to look through it.

So, of course I obliged. 

I just looked through the texts and WOW.

In summary they said:

I can't wait to suck your d!*@.

I love you.

When can I see you again?

I saw RED.  I think if he would have walked in at THAT exact moment, I would have tackled him like a linebacker.  No doubt about it.

I took some deep breaths and had a secret mind battle about whether or not I should say anything.

I decided not to say anything because:

   A. Shouldn't have looked in his phone  and
   B. We would argue and he would flip it around to me not trusting him

That calm resolve lasted for maybe 20 minutes before I asked who the hell the text messages were from.

You know what this asshat said?

And I quote, "We're just friends, she is just joking."

My jaw hit the floor...I must seriously look like Kelly Bundy.  WTF?

As I'm staring at him, thinking about where to hide his body, he's rambling on and on...

I just launched the phone at the target on his forehead and left.

This was a couple of years ago and I did break up with him.  Who knows what else he would have lied about? Luckily, it was early on in the relationship so, no love lost there.

I learned two things that day:

    1. Don't go looking for things, because you WILL find them.

    2. Erase text messages that can implicate any wrong-doing on your part.

Can a relationship go on after cheating?

Probably...but why would you want it to?

There will always be a rain cloud of suspicion hovering.

Have you ever cheated? Did you fess up? What happened to the relationship afterwards?


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