Disclaimer: DO NOT DATE THE BOUNCER

This is a true story:

It was one of my favorite local bars—very low key and tucked away in a corner. Perfect for a secret rendezvous because no one will find you here, unless you want them too.


The first time I went, I couldn’t get over the man at the door. Bouncers have a certain amount of power, which is attractive in any situation. They can either permit or forbid your entry. I think that’s part of the allure.

This bouncer wasn’t “H-O-T-T” per say, but he was sexy. I could definitely tell that he wasn’t from here. He had mystery about him and a nice body to top it all off-- I could tell, even through the all black “bouncer wear.”

Every time I went back we chatted and flirted and my intoxicated mind could have sworn I heard an Irish accent, which made him even sexier. I felt like I had to get to know this man. So, eventually we traded numbers.

That was on a Friday and we had our first date set for Sunday.

We met at a bar/restaurant with a very relaxed atmosphere.

 I rarely let men come to my house and pick me up…too many crazies these days.

The date actually started off really well. We had the usual “getting to know you conversation” and then like a smack in the face the red flags (for dating red flags, click here) started waving in every direction…

I excused myself to go to the bathroom, but when I came back, he was sitting on MY side of the table. He saw the confused expression on my face and his explanation was, “I wanted to be closer to you.”

I have a thing about personal space—it’s called “my bubble” and I need people to stay out of my bubble, unless invited in. This...this, man, was all in my bubble that extends an arms length on all sides and I was more than a little chagrined at this, but I decided to let it go and continue with the date.

Here is how the conversation went from there  (I’ll call him “The bouncer”…):


The Bouncer: So, why don’t you have a boyfriend? (Normal)

Me: I’m just dating right now; I'm not really ready for anything serious and I’m not even sure if I really want to stay in Ohio when I graduate from school...

The Bouncer: I’m willing to move… (What the hell?... red flag)

Me: Uhhh… I just really don’t want a boyfriend right now.

:: He leaned in closer… he could probably see the nervous perspiration forming on my nose::

The Bouncer: You just haven’t met the right one (Well it sure as hell isn’t you, weirdo… red flag). Ever since my fiancé left me, I’ve just been so lonely and your so beautiful. I mean, I left everything in New Jersey for her and she dumped me when I got here.

Oh, shit… at this point, I could actually hear alarms going off.

Me: That’s umm… so sad…

(I was 99.9% sure she crossed state lines to get away from him… and he followed her…OMFG.)

 The Bouncer: But now I’ve met you… (red flag)

Me: I have commitment issues.

The Bouncer: That’s just an excuse.

When someone tells you they have issues, you should back off. He was desperate, needy and trying to use me to replace his ex. No thank you, GAME OVER.

Me: ::YAWN:: Ok, well, I’m tired… I have to go to work tomorrow.

As I say this, I’m basically climbing over him and it took everything in me not to take off running to the car.

The Bouncer (chasing after me): Ok, I had great time.

Me ( standing by my car): Yeah, yeah, me too.

He runs over and leans in and tries to kiss me.


I dodge it, get in the car and turn the key.

Me: Ok, I’ll call you! Bye!

Perfect example of a possibly good date gone terribly wrong.

Now, every time I go back to the bar he works at, he gives me a hard time. This date was in February of this year and he STILL asks me why I haven’t called.

Do NOT date the bouncer… unless you plan on not going back to the place he works at…


And one more thing... the Irish accent....gone.

It wasn't a figment of my imagination because my friend heard him too, so WTF was that?

Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Candy Pants for proofing!