Waiting for the "Fake Emergency Phone Call"

The Blog Catalog members came through yet again and helped me out!  This time it was, "What NOT to say on a First Date." 

I picked 10 from all the entries to post here.  I also added a link to each persons blog. So, laugh, comment, and go check out their awesomeness!

1. Wow, what a great date. I had an awesome time and my kid's will be psyched. You possess 8 out of the 10 attributes they want in "New Mommy." 
--BiggJ (Youth Jerseys Blog) 

2. "My wife and I have and open marriage."  
--Diana (The Hidden Face of the Moon) 

3. "I think I'm falling in love with you." 
--Konway East (Water Cooler, The) 

4.  "When I look into your eyes I can see our unborn children."  
--FreakSmack (Funny Mugshots) 

5. "What happened to the girl in your photo?" 
--Derek Bowles (The Mind of Derek Bowles) 

6.  *Phone rings .... index finger being held up in a hold-on a minute would you?* ... "Hello, darling .. I've missed you, too."  
--Theresa (Sleeping Kitten- Dancing Dog!) 


7. "I don't even really like you, I just haven't gotten laid in a while." 
 -The Boo (The Boo Report)


8. "The shovel is there in case I hit a deer, the plastic bags because I was moving, the lime is for a friend."
--Hank (Photography by Hank Plumley) 


9. "Whaddaya mean, 'No'? Get in the back seat like a good girl."
--Mel (The Not-Pop Jukebox) 


10. "My house ain't been cleaned good since my first wife..." 
--AJ (Under My Fitted) 


Definitely all First Date RED Flags!


Thanks again, Blog Catalog members you're the SHIT!

Has anyone ever said something heinous to you on a first date? 

Toodles Biatches!

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Guest Spotlight: Dating Chronicles

I've been following (stalking) @DatingChronicle on Twitter for a while now and her "tweets" were so interesting, I had to ask if she would do a guest post.  DC tells the "Twitterverse" her dating stories...140 Characters at a time... Here Dating Chronicles tells us how to look at the good side of a break-up:
Break-ups Suck….Silver Linings Rock
 
For those who don’t know me, I have been on a mission to find the man with whom I am to share my life.  In the past 14-16 months I have been on over 100 first dates.  Yup, over 100.  Truly it’s closer to 150 but that just sounds egregious doesn’t it?

I finally met someone I was willing to go on a second date with ….then a third…and a forth….. I’ve been tweeting (@DatingChronicle) about him (aka New Guy) over the past two months while we’ve been dating.  Two months may not sound like a very long time --- however, when you haven’t accepted a second date in over 16 months and then you go on more than fifteen dates with the same guy, it takes it up a notch or two.    

This past Saturday we broke up. 

Crushing. 

In the past few days I’ve been trying to focus on left-brain thoughts.  You know the ones – the reasonable, rational, logical thoughts that make dealing with the pain of a break-up easier.

Following is my current top six list ….the top six silver linings behind this break-up…..wish I had ten….perhaps by the end of the week….or maybe you’ll have some to add!?

(6)    I am free to plan my weekends on my own.  New Guy was not a fan of planning in advance which is hard for me since many of the things I love to do (camping, hiking, road-trips) require an element of planning since I share my life with a dog.  This is a challenge no more.

(5)    Scheduling item #2 – no more scheduling around the kids and his ex-wife’s life. (In two months more than four adjustments to the schedule). 

(4)    Speaking of his ex….. no more worry about awkwardly running into her.  Our  worlds were getting closer and closer as I realized we have friends and business associates in common.

(3)     Shaving daily is a pain.  I no longer have to do this.

(2)     The $500 I was planning to spend on bikini laser treatment is now available to buy seriously hot heels.
…..and the #1 Silver Lining behind this break-up…..

(1)     New guy is short – really short  (i.e. 1” taller than I am and I’m short)…..my favorite pair of heels is 4” high.  I am once again free to wear these seriously hot heels (and others which I will buy with the $500 referenced in item #2!)
 
There you have it – my top six silver linings from this break-up.  Feeling confident that we’ll have a full top-ten by the end of the week……

I look forward to your insights!

Follow Dating Chronicle on Twitter! @DatingChronicle

Toodles Biatches!

Do You Believe in Magic? (Caribana Part 3)

This is the continuation of my vacation in Toronto, Canada from Chicks Before Dicks (Caribana Part 2)...

(P.S. Video Day will be TOMORROW! I got e-mail threats for leaving you hanging...so here ya go biatches!)

So, I'm looking at TJ and my first thought was, "Woooow...," but I was pissed AND hungry AND lost-- this was not the time for sexy island men...

Me: Hi TJ...Bye TJ.

TJ: Woah...you're not even going to tell me your name?

Me: No. Good Day.

TJ: What's the matter? Maybe I can help.

 I stopped and looked up at him.  He was almost a foot taller than me.

Me: Unless you can get me back to Ohio, there really isn't anything for us to talk about.

TJ: Ohio? It's such a nice night...what could possibly have made you so angry?

I told him everything that had happened and why I was stomping around with a bag full of food.  He explained that he was originally from Trinidad and visiting with his father.  AND that he was only 20 years old. This guy looked at least 25!

He called one of his friends that lived in Toronto and asked him directions to my hotel so that he could walk me there. A stroll that should have only taken about 15 minutes at the most, turned into an hour and a half.  We talked, laughed, and took goofy pictures.  My stomach was growling loudly and I remembered the food.

I looked at my phone and realized that I had about 20 texts from Jacky asking where I was and what happened to the food.  I texted her back and told her I would be there in a minute.

I told TJ that I should go back to the hotel and invited him up to eat and have a drink with us before he met up with his friends later. It was the least I could do; he made me forget about all the issues with Jacky and walked me back to the hotel.

I knocked on our hotel room door, just in case anybody wasn't decent, and walked in.  I told TJ to wait a minute.

Jacky: Where have you been?

Me: YOU have a lot of nerve! For your information, I got...lost. But look what I found!  *I opened the door so TJ could walk in*

Jacky: Oh...hello.

TJ: Hi, you must be Jacky?

Jacky: Uhhh...

Me: TJ helped me find my way back. Wasn't that nice of him? He's going to have some food too. So, Jacky, what are your plans for the rest of the evening?

Jacky: Weeeelllll... Damien wants to go to a club downtown and...

Me: Oh, YOU and DAMIEN...Jacky what was the point of me coming here?

TJ was looking really uncomfortable as he unpacked the food.

Jacky: Well , my friend Dee is coming up tomorrow too and...

Me: WHO? Who the hell is Dee, where in the shit is SHE staying? I don't remember ANYbody else putting money in on this hotel!

Jacky: She got a rental car, so we have a way around when she gets here.

Me: When were you going to tell me about Dee? Oh, around the same time Damien popped up?

Jacky: I just want to hang out with him tonight...tomorrow me, you and Dee can go to Caribana and hang out.

Me: Whatever Jacky...I really don't care what you do.

Trevor: Water?

We both looked at him as if remembering he was in the room. There was a knock on the door and Jacky ran to answer it.  Of course, it was Damien.  She scarfed down her food and they left.

Trevor: Wow. She invited another girl without you knowing?

Me: Apparently.

Trevor: Do you want to hang out with me tonight? You don't have to have to be by yourself. 

Me: No, I'm tired anyway...its been a really long day.

Trevor: I see, well, can I see you tomorrow? At Caribana? 

Me: Yeah, that would be fun.

We exchanged numbers and he promised to call the next day before the parade.  He left and I put on my jammies to go to bed.

Jacky NEVER came back that night...

7:30 A.M.

Jacky: HEY JAZZ!!

Me: I opened one eye. Who, what, where?!

Jacky: This is Dee....Lets go down to breakfast!

Me: Hi...Dee.

We just looked at each other.  I could already imagine what she was thinking.  I completely went off on Jacky last night and I'm sure she told Dee. I was also sure that right now I was unfairly being dubbed "The Bad Guy." That was fine because I had a feeling that Jacky was going to show her ass again before the day was over.

I got up and threw on some sweats for breakfast.  We went downstairs and chatted while eating.  Dee seemed pretty cool.  Jacky was full of promises about what we were going to do today and how much fun we were going to have at Caribana.  I asked where Damien was and if he would be making an appearance. Jacky assured Dee and I that this was going to be a Girl's Day and the men of Toronto better watch out!

We went back upstairs to get dressed for Caribana.  We turned on some Soca music and danced as we got ready. It was starting to look like this trip was going to turn out to be fun! 

TJ texted me to tell me he was on his way to the parade and he hoped to see me later. As we walked off the elevator, Damien was waiting there. I looked at Jacky like, "Really Bitch?"


She shrugged and we all piled into the taxi--I was way too excited at this point to be angry. When we got there the music was loud and intoxicating. I could feel the bass in my heart. All the people, the costumes, the colors and the dancing...AMAZING!

As expected, Jacky and Damien wondered off and could not be reached by phone or text.  TJ and I kept missing each other because there were so many people. We eventually just agreed to meet up later back at the hotel.

Dee couldn't believe how Jacky acted like a completely different person around Damien...she had actually been friends with her longer than I had.  We just shrugged it off, danced in the parade for hours and drank at the beer tent. We made our way back to the hotel only to find out that that bitch, Jacky, had BEEN back! I could tell because she left her St. Lucian flag from the parade on the desk. 

TJ got to the hotel around 11 and I introduced him to Dee, as if I hadn't JUST met her that morning, and he took us down to Dundas Square. It was just SO many people around, just hanging out and talking on a beautiful night. We walked past a man on a velvet throw and forks spread out around him.

TJ: He does magic...

He seemed really creeped out by this and I found it hilarious.

Me: Oh, really?

TJ: Yes, you don't believe me?

Me: No...I don't.

TJ: Hey, Sir...she doesn't believe in magic!

Pharaoh the Magician: Oh reaaaally, come here girl, let me show you what I can do. *He pointed at Dee* YOU too.

We walked up on each side of him and he handed us both a fork.  He told us to write our exes initials and our own names on the forks. It was funny that he said our Exes because my Ex asshole had JUST texted me that day! 

The things that he made these forks do...if I hadn't of seen it with my OWN two eyes, I would have never believed it.

He made me do a winding motion with the fork in my hand.  I actually felt the metal of the fork twist, as it did some Exorcist type shit and the top of it did a 360... like a corkscrew.

Pharaoh told Dee to guess a number between 1 and 7; she picked 3 and shook the fork per Pharaoh's instructions. When she stopped 3 of the forks prongs had bent up!

My "Magic" Fork

The final trick, he made us count to 3 and at 3 we both were to point at the forks.  We counted: 1...2...3...and pointed. My fork fell apart and Dee's fork went completely flat, like a pancake. Pharaoh said that this represented the release of all the bad energy from the past relationship with the person we wrote on the fork. I STILL need to text my Ex to see if he is OK...I mean my fork FELL APART.  The guy's penis may have fallen off or something...not that he wouldn't deserve it.

He let us keep our mangled forks as souvenirs.  TJ wouldn't even touch it...LOL. (Below is a video of Pharaoh in action...it isn't the same trick, but it shows what he can do)

As we were walking back to the hotel, I turned to Dee and it seemed like we both realized at the same time that we hadn't seen Jacky since that afternoon and it was almost 5AM...

I know! Sorry, I did it again. Part 4 is the LAST part I promise...

Toodles Biatches!


P.S. Check out this video of Pharaoh in Dundas Square, doing his thing:

Party Girl Plus One: Episode 4, Frequent Vagina Flyer

It's Video Day class!


Turn down the lights (unless you're at work) and enjoy another installment of Party Girl Plus One.  I knew I was going to like this one at the title.  It gives me a chance to use the word Va-jay-jay!


You know what to do: watch, laugh, and comment...





My Thoughts: Talk about a freakin' mood killer.  He was inspecting the va-jay-jay like a gynecologist. Hell, a gyno shouldn't even be looking that close! Yeah, he would have gotten the shoe in the face from me too...


Ever experienced an awkward moment like that? Comment or better yet why haven't you emailed me that story yet!?


For more info on Jen and Party Girl Plus One visit www.partygirlplusone.com. 


Toodles Biatches!

 

Way to Kill A Mood...

We've all been there... You're about to get "dirty" and then the idiot says something to completely kill the mood.  

I called on my friends from Blog Catalog once again to help me out with this.  I asked them to give me "Things that should not be said during sex..."  

I had 100+  replies to sift through to pick the 10 funniest/worst ones!  Just  like the "10 Worst Pick-Up Lines", I listed the person that submitted, with a link to their blog.  

So, read, laugh, and check out these awesome blogs biatches! Don't forget to comment AND follow if you like what you see...

1. "Hey, I was just joking about that whole 'I love you' thing, is that cool?"
-- Konway East (Water Cooler, the) 

2. "Seriously.. Untie me."

3.  "The doctor said he was pretty sure it's not contagious." 
-- 2 and 3: Derek Bowles (The Mind of Derek Bowles) 

4.  ::Disappointed Expression:: "...is that it?!"
--The Boo (The Boo Report) 

5. "You look so much like my mother."  
--ASpotOfBlog (A Spot of Blog) 
 
6. "Is it alright if my friend watches?" 
--Andrew G. Carson (The Housebound Writer) 

7.  "I was born with a little penis... Actually it wasn't really a little penis, it was an extended clitoris... The doctor cut it off when I was born..." 
--FreakSmack (Funny Mugshots) 
FYI: He stated that someone ACTUALLY said that to him... FAIL!

8. "How'd you get these scratches on your back?" 
--Hank Plumley (Photography by Hank Plumley) 

9. "My Gary gets out of jail tomorrow!" 
--J. Dominic Fisher (Jacobin Reason) 

10. "That's not a wart, it's just a birthmark." 
--Alex (Cooking for Assholes) 

Well, that's all folks!  Those are pretty awful, right?  Think you can do worse? Drop it in the comments!

Toodles Biatches! 
 

How Cool Is This?!

This really isn't a post.  Think of it as one of those annoying ass filler episodes in a season of your most favoritest show. Your most favoritest show should be True Blood. Only a few episodes left, how sad is that???!

My bad, I'm sure I have an Attention Deficit Disorder, but was never properly diagnosed.


OK, so for the good news...finally...


Speeddate.com featured me on their blog! Horror Date #1: Runs in With the Law.

They sent me an e-mail asking what my most horrific date EVER was and of course my choice was the Corona and I Have a Rocky Past...     story.  That date was a complete and EPIC fail.  

So check out my write-up at www.speeddate.com    and hell, maybe you should sign up.  Shit, maybe I should sign up? I'm not having so much luck with this dating thing, but whatever...it's not my fault that these men can't handle all my HAWTness...

Coming up soon...

I STILL need to tell you guys about my amazing trip to Canada and I will, be patient with me, my life is a complete circus right now!

Toodles Biatches!

Guest Spotlight: Emma! (The Better Half of the Housebound Writer)

How often is it that you hear both sides to ANY story? Well, about a month ago I had Andrew Carson as a Guest Spotlight: The Housebound Writer, it was about his first date with Emma...his first date after NINE YEARS.  If you haven't read it , you should, because it is an amazing story. 

Anyways, I was lucky enough to get BOTH perspectives to this particular story.  Emma sent me her version of their first date! Enjoy!

Why Mr. Right Is Better Than Mr. Right Now!

I’ve dated some complete zeroes in my time who are either just interested in me because sex with a yoga teacher is on the list of things to do before you die or they are more turned on by their own bodies than by any girl’s.

I once had a date with a guy who’s name was, without a word of a lie “Joe King” and he was the least funny guy I’ve ever met. He spent the entire dinner date telling me what not to eat, as I’ll get fat. I was like, "Hey buddy,  I’m a God damn Yoga teacher, I know how to watch my figure, which is something you will never do, yah putz."

Now, my Mr. Right is different from these guys, he hasn’t got a six pack... he likes to say, "I’ve got a keg and who doesn’t like keg parties?" (LOL!) 

We first met on a movie forum online when a guy, who without a doubt still lives in his Momma’s basement, has never had a date... period, and goes by the name GeorgeLucasIsGod117, was attacking a comment I made. My comment was, “Independent movies have to rely on great characters rather than great plot devices or CGI so they tend to be better written than Studio Pictures.” I thought it was a fair point.

He returned with, “Bitch, you don’t know wet d**k about flicks go back to your Sex And The City chick flick s**t dildo box set and let the men talk.”

About 10 seconds later, while I was about to write a nasty reply, a mystery poster called AndrewGCarson wrote, “Hey w**kface, you’re out of line, apologise or I’ll come over there and kick you’re a**e.”

Mr.117 replied, “Sorry I shouldn’t have said that, can you forgive me? Hey big man you wouldn‘t really come over would you?” Ha!  From that day on, for three months we talked everyday on MSN and SKYPE.

Now, for about three weeks before we went on our first date I had developed feelings, strong feelings, hell I can admit I fell in love with him, but shooosh that’s between us only! I was to shy to tell him, as our friendship meant a lot to me, but I bucked up the courage with the help of some wine (a bottle) and asked him out for coffee via E-mail.

I couldn’t do it over the webcam and see him squirm if he wasn’t interested. Thankfully, he said yes after the 10th time I asked him. He’s very shy himself about conversation and being in public, as he has lived in his own head for so long... if you guys know him, you’ll know his back-story and understand.

The day arrives and we are to meet at 2 PM, but I got there at 1:43, I know, smacks of desperation, but people, this is Mr Right we’re talking about here! So, he get’s there on time and immediately thinks he is late cause I’m already there. He gets so cute when he’s flustered.

We go in, and he holds my chair for me as I sit down. Very charming... I’ve never once had a date do that for me. We sit down and commence our usual random conversations that have us giggling like idiots, when this tool who is sitting at the next table leans towards us, away from his date and begins talking on his phone.

 Drew let out a, "You got to be f***ing kidding me, a***hole," which makes the guy get up and leave sharply. Drew sits shell-shocked, not believing he actually said it, but I found it hilarious and it is forever cemented in my mind as my first experience of one of his “Brain Fart” moments when his inner monologue stops working....think Austin Powers, lol.

The only scary thing during the date was when he had one of his seizures, but afterwards we didn’t want it to end, so we went back to my place (Did I hear wolf whistles?...LOL) to watch his supposed short film starring James McAvoy and lo and behold, it actually does star a very young James McAvoy acting on screen with Mr. Carson himself! Drew was stealing the scene... absolutely amazing.

Afterward, we talked, we listened to music, we danced badly, lol, and in a moment of looking into his big puppy dog eyes, I decided we should both get lucky again... Don’t Judge, I count all the MSN/SKYPE conversations as dates, so like we had loads more than most people would have before going to bed. LOL, I'll keep telling myself that anyway.

Now Drew has a lot of hang-ups because of his illness. His head plays strange tricks on him, but he’s the only guy I’ve ever known who has hang ups about the size of his... ahem (points downward) who shouldn’t in any way.  How should I put this?... He’s no “Mighty Mouse” he’s a “Hulk“, LOL...

Oh, and Drew made a comment about thanking God or possibly the Devil for me liking him. Well, DrewBear, I totally love you and it’s nothing to do with religion,  it’s because you are the greatest man I’ve ever met and I should point out... Don’t call him, DrewBear he doesn’t like it. (Call him it... it’s totally funny, LOL!)

Emma, Thank You so much for sharing this!  For more info on Andrew G. Carson AKA DrewBear (LOL)... visit The Housebound Writer... 


Toodles Biatches!

Party Girl Plus One, Episode 3: EXtreme Measure

Well Hell-O,

I must admit, I missed this blog...I didn't miss work AT ALL, but I missed writing.  This has become a part of my life as much as everything else and I LOVE all the feedback! I've also met some really awesome people since starting this.

I actually went to Toronto, Ontario and had an AMAZING time, and of course, I have stories...I'm working on those posts now, but I'm rambling...

So, I know this is Wednesday, but we are going to have VIDEO DAY!

Another installment of Party Girl Plus One... Watch, laugh, comment:




MY THOUGHTS: Wow, I can really relate to this one!  Watching this is what reminded me of my Cry Me a River dating story.  I mean this guy was a mess! He dated the chick for THREE months, it had been a year and a half since they broke up and he's still crying like a biatch? 

I also thought I was the only one who took a pre-date drink to calm nerves.  I do this when the guy is REALLY cute and I'm nervous...One (or two) shots of Cuervo and I'm GRRRREAT! 

Have you ever had someone obsess about their EX on a date?  Or worse...cry about it?

For more info about Party Girl Plus One and Jen Dawson, visit http://www.partygirlplusone.com/!

Toodles Biatches!

Corona and I Have a Rocky Past...

It has come to my attention that for the last two days, I have been pretty damn lazy.

There was the awful Pick-Up Lines on Monday (done by other people, thanks BC!) and "F**ck Yeah!" video day Tuesday, but what can I say? I'm a Bossy Biatch and I like to delegate...

Since I will be on vacation for a few days, not thinking about work OR this blog... (hey, nothing against the blog, but drinking, a hangover, and blogging don't mix.  I will NOT Drunk Blog) I am going to leave you with another one of my unbelievable tales of dating.

I was on the fence about this one, because it makes ME look bad, but it's only like two people that actually read this shit so, whatever.

This guy and I had been on two dates and things were going fairly well. He invited me over to his house to watch a game with him and his friends. We were having a good time, I liked his friends, especially the one that looked better than my date (why didn't I meet HIM first?). Anyways...

One of friends makes a run to the store for beer.  I'm not really a beer drinker,(TEQUILA!!!!) but I wasn't buying, so I couldn't be picky.  He comes back with Corona. We had already been drinking and I wanted to keep my buzz going so I had one, then two, and three...

About a half an hour later, I got a strange feeling in my stomach.  I say strange because it wasn't painful, but...uncomfortable.  I wasn't nauseated, but it just felt odd.  I shrugged it off and had half of Corona number four and that's when the shit hit the fan...

That odd, strange, feeling that I could ignore at first was swiftly building up pressure in my stomach. (Oh, f**k!) I had the Bob Damned Bubble Guts!:

Bubble Guts: [Bubb-al Gutz] The undeniable feeling of uneasiness that comes about after you have consumed something unfavorable.  Usually, inevitably followed by the "Power Shit." That is all.

The pressure was building swiftly and I was getting extremely nervous, because this was just the third date and I could NOT go poop in this man's house.  Especially, with what I was about to unleash. 


So, I had to think fast.  My plan was to just go ahead and tell him that I wasn't feeling well and that I should just go home:

Me: Hey, I'm not feeling too well, I think I should go home.

Him: What's wrong? (I have to shit!)

Me: Well, I, ummm...I have a really bad headache.

Him: I really don't want you to leave.  Can't you take an Advil and lie down for a minute... (Pssh...I need Pepto Bismal...heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, dia-rrhe-a...)

Me: I guess, I can lay down for a minute and see if it helps...(crap, crap CRAP!)

Him: OK, go lay down in my room and I'll bring you some medicine.

I laid down in his room and he brought me some water and an Advil and went back to watching the game. 

I spit out the Advil and put it under the bed...I didn't need to add any other variables to my, uhh...issue.  I lay there in agony for about 15 minutes; at this point, I was sweating.  I finally just got up and ran into the living room and told him I had to go home because I had a migraine and I needed my prescription medication.

I rushed through good- byes, hopped in the car and sped down the highway.  I was almost relieved until...

::Weeeee-ooooo weeeee-oooo:: Yep, I was getting pulled over.  So now I have three things going on.  I have the Bubble Guts, I'm nervous, and now I have gas, because I'm nervous...

The cop walks up to the car: 

Cop: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over.

Me: Yes, I was speeding... matter of fact, I was doing 10 over, so lets get to writing out that ticket!  (I handed him my license and insurance info.)

Cop: Well, you're making this pretty easy, which is unusual. (As he said this, he leaned into the car, probably to see if I had marijuana laying around... I was sweating and looking pretty guilty at this point.) Ugh, ma'am, what is that smell?

Me: You see sir, I was speeding because I need to use the bathroom...like RIGHT now.

Cop: Oh....I...see.  I'll let you go with a warning this time. There is a restaurant just at the next exit.

Me: Thank you sir, but I am almost home and they might charge me a fee for this.  Good night.

So, I was back on the road again.  I got home, and ran in the house, stripping off clothes as I headed to the bathroom.  I was going to need a shower after that one.

And finally...relief... Ahhhhh...

My date called that night to make sure I was OK.  I never told him really happened.  Men don't know women have episodes like this...LOL. Well, they sure as shit do now!

Two lessons learned from this... Corona does NOT like me and if I ever need to get out of a ticket...I'll just pass gas.

Toodles Biatches,

P.S.  Speaking of Biatches, yes, the first picture in this post really is a ring I own...

    

Party Girl Plus One Episode 2: Date One, Smell Fetish

Can I get a "Hell Yeah!" for Video Day?

The following video is Jen's first date after deciding that the Party Girl needed a plus one.  You know what to do: Watch, laugh, and comment...




My Thoughts:  First of all, where do I sign up to be a wine taster? Do they have Tequila tasters? My alter ego and I had a meeting and decided that Tequila Tasting should be a career move for me...

I don't think I have had anything as creepy as this happen to me on a date...yet.  I mean a smell fetish is pretty freakin' gross.  You shouldn't stick your nose in places that it doesn't belong. 

Ever dated anyone with a Freaky Fetish?  Comment or better yet, why the hell haven't you sent me that story?


For more info about Jen and her video series visit Party Girl Plus One.


Hope you enjoyed Video Day! Toodles, biatches!

P.S.  If you missed the first episode, check it out here: Party Girl Plus One, Episode 1

What The F**K Did You Just Say To Me?

The Pick-up Line...

Just the phrase "Pick-up Line" is frightening.  I mean, it is essentially a string of words put together in order to engage (horrify) the opposite sex.  

I asked some of my fellow Bloggers to contribute the worst Pick-up Lines they had ever heard and WOW, did they come through!

I chose ten of them and provided a link to the submitters blog, because their awesome!  So, check out these Bob awful Lines and then check out these super-fine blogs...

1.  "If you're not too busy throwing up, I'd love to buy you a drink."  
--Andrew (The Housebound Writer)

2.  "Is your mom a terrorist?"
      "What?"
      "Cause you're the bomb." 
--Antonia (Lifting Me Up) 

3.  "I am going to lick your arm to see if that tattoo is real and I might not stop there." 
--Claire (A Little Piece of Me and Other Bits and Pieces)

4.  "Are you a parking ticket?"
       "I'm sorry?"
       "You got fine written all over you."
--Funkeewebmistress (Funkkeejooce)

5.  "I lost my phone number can I have yours?"
--Meghan (Random Rediculous Rants)

6.  ::Smiles, beckons with finger::
      Assuming she's out of it enough to respond...
      ::Walks over::
      "If I can make you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole body..."

7.  "Girl, I'd like to take you home and crack that yolk." What the hell does that even mean?
--Both 6 and 7  were provided by AJ (Under My Fitted)

8.  "I will be Burger King and you can be McDonalds...I will have it my way and you will be lovin' it."
--Brent (tayappention) 

9.  "Doll, I'd wear you like a horse wears a feedbag."  I just threw up a little in my mouth...
--Bill (Bill's Blog) 
  
This happened to be my favorite one, it has a story to go with it.  The line isn't nearly as funny without the WHOLE story:

10.  When I was 15 I worked in a grocery store bagging groceries, well almost all grocery store cashiers are women, and some of them were pretty hot, so I heard a lot of bad pickup lines. The best ones are when the girl is kind of ditzy and doesn't get it. 

One time, this guy gets in line with something little like a pack of gum, and waits for a $100 order to go through, when other lines are open...I knew something good was coming out of this guys mouth.

He gets up, gets his one chance to make an impression and says "Are you from Tennessee?", she says "no?", then he replies with "Well you're the only Ten I See!", she stares at him for a second with a quizzical look on her face, then says "This is Florida.". 

Dude looks at her, then he looks at me. I shrug my shoulders, he walks out shaking his head. Then I explained to her what he meant as I laughed my ass off.  
-- FreakSmack (Funny Mugshots)

If someone said any of these to me, I would want to knee him in the Nuts.  Seriously, give me a Kit Kat, there really are people out there who think that these would work?

Whatever happened to, "Hi,..."? That simple little word goes so much further than 1 through 10. 

Can you think of anymore equally awful "Pick-ups"?  

Toodles, Biatches!

P.S. Tomorrow is VIDEO DAY!! F**K YEAH!




  
 

Welcome To Jazz Stanton's School of Etiquette: Texting

I love texting.  Whoever thought of it, gets a big ol' smooch.

Unlike phone conversations, there are no "awkward pauses" or listening to someone breathe in the phone because they called you, but really didn't have a damn thing to talk about. 

What in the shit made you think of me in your bored state? Now, I have to figure out a valid reason so I can get the hell off the phone. "Uhhh, I have to take a poop, can I call you back?" (Hey, it works EVERY time.)

Some just don't know the definition of "Phone":

Phone: [Fohn] –noun, verb (used with object), verb (used without object), A device used for the exchange of valid and useful information or succulent gossip. If you have nothing valid or useful to say please refer to F**kfacebook or Twitter. That is all. (Yeah, biatches "that is all"  IS part of the definition.)

With texting...you text me, I text back...or not.

It's almost cheating, I can sit and think about what I want to say and edit it before pressing "send" to ship it through space, past Mars and to your Android.

However, (you knew that was coming) you should follow proper texting etiquette.  Don't know what that is?  No worries, I got you covered.

Jazz Stanton's Texting Etiquette

1. Please, for the love of tequila, make sure you are texting the right person, especially if you are talking shit about someone else.  I have at least one time been thinking about someone (the person I'm talking shit about) and selected their name instead of the one I want to send the text to. That is a true "Oh, F**K!" moment when you realize all but too late that they are probably reading that ish RIGHT NOW.  So, check the name and then check again before you send.

2. The text area is about 160 characters, almost like Twitter.  If the text screen starts going into "2 of 2", please just call the person, download an AIM app, or perhaps you need to start a blog, because you have too much to say for a text and nobody wants to read all that shit.  

3. Remember when you send the text, interpretation is left up to the reader.  Meaning, the receiver is not going to be able to tell what the tone of the text is, so be careful of what you say...

For Example:
Text: Shut up!
Meaning 1: Girl, stop it! 
Meaning 2: No...really. Shut. Up.

4. If I text you, DO NOT call me. When did your phone ring?  Right. It didn't.  I might be texting you because my mouth is occupied and I can't talk or True Blood might be on.

Exception: I have a friend, bless her heart, that sometimes her texts are so cryptic that I can't tell if I'm supposed to know what she meant or if it was a typo. In this case it's actually easier just to talk to her on the phone than to hurt myself trying decipher it.

5. If you text like this: Hay wutz up how yu doink babee uso dam pritty wen kan we go owt? 

Ummm, our first date would be to Barnes & Nobles to get you a Dictionary, but no worries, texting like that won't get you a first date. Yes, texting is an informal form of communication, but this just makes me think your  elementary school education failed you. 

6. Please be mindful of pictures.  

Men: If I get one more "penis picture", I'll freakin' scream. Especially the ones that have captions,"His name is Superman."  Yeah right, try Mighty Mouse.  

The thought that you sat or stood somewhere and ::ahem:: positioned (?) IT correctly so that you could get the right angle (?) to take a picture of IT...
  
Either you're a perv or you just have WAY too much time on your hands.  Get a hobby or go "poke" people on Facebook until someone as pervy as you responds.

Women: No booby pictures.  No ass pictures.  I don't care how much he begs or how often and if he keeps asking, you should drop him anyway, because he is probably about to send you a Penis Picture (Dick Flick? ROFL...Dick Flick.).  

He gets mad and your NEKKID pics are all over Facebook, Myspace, Twitpic, and BoobTube...not good, if you want to be on American Idol.

So there you have it boys and girls, you passed Texting Etiquette: 101.


P.S.  Yes, I am a Truebie.  Eric is such a VILF, he could bite me anytime... (Don't Judge Me.)

Cry Me a River...

I had actually forgotten about this date, but Jen from Party Girl Plus One sort of "reminded" me when I was watching one of her videos.

As bad as this date was, it is no wonder it was buried in the dark and dreary recesses of my subconscious. Well, enjoy...

My friends and I were having the usual "Girl's Night Out" one Saturday and this guy approaches me; we talk for a while about random shit...the only thing I really remember from that conversation is that he called me beautiful (he obviously has GREAT taste...3 points for him!).

I got really good vibes from him; he was well dressed all the way down to the shoes, nice body (yay for muscles!) and he smelled REALLY good...(I love it when a man wears great cologne, it is a HUGE turn on and it means they pay attention to details.)

He called me a couple days later and we had an awesome conversation.  He was smart, educated, and funny-- we ended up talking for like two hours.  I didn't want it to end, but I had to work in the morning.

Before the call was over, he asked me out on a date for that Saturday.

Fast forward to Saturday...

We were going to go out to eat and catch a movie, but it was cold, rainy and downright depressing...(normal, shitty Ohio weather.)  So we decide to have a movie night in... I just threw on an Aeropostale t-shirt and some snug fitting jeans and went to his house.

The movie completely sucked big ones, so we start talking.  At first, it's just normal conversation, but then he starts talking about past relationships and I'm like, "Here we go..."

I actually managed to redirect the conversation to something else, but then he started getting all philosophical and shit. Which is fine...whatever...but then this guy's eyes started tearing up: (We'll just call him "Cry Baby", CB for short."

CB: I mean the past two years have been really rough...

Me: Really...? (Zzzzzz)

CB: Yeah, I had a great job and I wasn't happy.  It was too stressful, I thought being a financial advisor was what I wanted, but it just isn't for me.

Me: Wait, you had a job?  (Why me?)

CB: (Sniffle)  Yeah, but I think everyone should just do what makes them happy. (Where does this dude live, fucking Candyland?...Seriously?)

Me: Well, how long did you work there?

CB: 3 months. (Wow, can you say commitment phobia?) 

Me: So, you just quit.  Like, one day, you said, "Hey, I don't want to be here anymore! I QUIT F**KERS!" ???

Side note: Now, I am all for spontaneity, but this is real life. I absolutely HATE my job, but I need it to reach my goals. If you're going to do some shit like this, I need you to have a back-up plan.  That is all.

CB: (In full blown cry mode at this point.) See, (sniff) that's what you women do, you just judge, without trying to understand.

Me: I am not judging, but apparently you aren't happy with your decision either....You.  Are. Crying. (and freaking me out.)

CB: I'm just sens(sniff)itive. I just felt I could share things with you.  (Not your nasty ass snot, Bozo.)

Me: Oh. (Whatever, call me a stone-cold bitch if you want, but WTF was I supposed to say? I'm not good with criers.)

CB: But, I have a plan. (Oh yeah?)

Me: Oh yeah?  

CB: Yes, I am going to be a clothing designer. (He says this as he "nonchalantly" wipes snot on my shoulder.)

Me: A...designer... (Not only was he crying, but at this point, I thought he was gay too.)

CB: I just love fashion...want to see my new Louis Vuitton wallet? (Yep...gay.)

Me: OK, well good thing you have a back-up plan...good luck with that.  I hate to cut the night short, but I have homework and stuff.  So...see ya.

You see what I did there?  That was an escape sentence...it means, "I want to leave, right now."  He didn't take the hint...he talked for like another hour or so.  I say HE talked, because he was pretty much talking to himself...I might as well have been a wall. 

 All I did was nod and smile.  Eventually, I said I had to go to the bathroom, and my plan was to just go for the EXIT, since I had taken my purse and coat with me (yes, I planned my escape.)

To my complete and utter horror, he was waiting for me outside the door.  He lunged for me and tried to kiss me! 

That was when I figured he wasn't gay, but I couldn't help but wonder at what point in this date he thought that I would have been turned on?

The crying?  The lack of initiative to keep a job? The chronic complaining he just did for 4 hours? 

Yeah baby, that's HOTT!...

Ummm...NOT... I nearly kicked him in his meatballs trying to escape.

Yes, ladies and gents, I made him cry on the first date.  I didn't know how to react to this rush of emotion.  I mean I am all for guys showing their "softer" side, but for Snookie's sake, really? 

Needless to say, the Cry Baby and I have not been on another date.  He kept calling for a awhile and then resorted to stalking me on F**kfacebook. 

Thanks for reading another one of my heinous dating stories and feel free to send me your own stories, questions or advice (or if you're just pitiful and lonely)  @ thedateexperiment@gmail.com.

P.S.  Jennifer Dawson of Party Girl Plus One, in all her awesomeness, wrote about my blog on her video series web page, check out what she said by clicking here!

Party Girl Plus One: Episode 1, Party Girl Plus One Night Stand

Do you remember at the beginning of class when your Earth Science teacher said,"Today, we are watching a video." and the whole class was like, "F**k Yeah, free time!"?

Well class, today and every Tuesday after, you are going to watch a video. Not Bill Nye the Science Guy, but Party Girl Plus One.  

Jennifer Dawson, from PartyGirlPlusOne.Com, e-mailed me about her web series of videos based on her diary.  She is a 30-something divorcee thrown back into the dating scene and she decided to keep a diary chronicling her conquests.

I can tell you a great story, but what's better than watching it? Which is exactly what Jen must of thought, because she came up with this hilarious video dating series.

So, each week, I'll post a new video of hers, give my thoughts on it and then you comment on them...capisce?

EP 1 Party Girl Plus One Night Stand from partygirlplusone on Vimeo.

My Thoughts: Jen said,"Not close to anyone, but also not alone." 

I am a self-proclaimed "Party Girl" all day.  I am almost always surrounded by people and when I'm not, I am doing something...I try to stay busy. 

I hardly remember what it's like to be in a relationship and I can't recall being any happier at that time.  After all these crash landings some people call dates, I wonder if I'm not just better off single.  I don't have time to feel lonely. Maybe it's because I haven't seen my "old self" at the bar like Jen did...

Have you seen your "old self"?  Did watching this make you want to find your "plus one"?




Make sure you visit http://www.partygirlplusone.com for more info about Jen and her video diary!





Thanks Jen, for finding my little piece of the blogosphere!

Why I F*%@in' Hate Facebook...

This might be a more of rant than a blog post...I added a Public Service Announcement that contains something about dating, so there...

The title of this post is blasphemous to some, downright sacrilegious to others. 

Well, guess what? You and Facebook should just get married and have little evil Facebook babies with a lowercase "f" tatted on their stupid foreheads.

Granted Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with people that you don't want to talk to on the phone, but now with all the foofy additions and games and ads and stalkers, the face of Facebook has turned downright ugly.

Why do I hate Facebook so much (besides the fact that Mark Zuckerberg sells all our personal info and changes the privacy settings every 2 minutes) ? Let me count the ways:

1. I have an "alias" on Facebook. The reason?   I was sick of random friend requests from people I didn't know. I also didn't want my job or a job I was applying for to find me and my drunken, half naked, very inappropriate pictures...they wouldn't take me seriously. 

So, I changed my name to a moniker that only  my close friends know.  There is no trace of my actual name on Facebook...I have checked and other people have double-checked, but when you search my name (my real name)  my profile still pops up.  WTF? Facebook, really?  I am trying to hide all my hotness from people, OBVIOUSLY, and you are making this really hard for me to do. AND I actually get MORE friend requests than I did before.  You DO NOT know this person, the name is fake!

Anybody out there successfully have a fake identity on Facebook?  Please tell me how you did it...thanking you in advance.

2.  Facebook is not MySpace.  Well, it wasn't.  Facebook was like Safe Sex...MySpace was like the "Red Light District"... for the more risque.   Remember when Facebook was just for college students and alumni ? Back then you could keep the crazy antics and pictures between you and your classmates.  MySpace was there for...everybody else. Now, Facebook is for the general public...including family members and co-workers.  Let's face it, there is a side of us that these people should NEVER see.  Hence, my alias...which completely freakin backfired anyway.

It almost makes sense to have two Facebook accounts; one for the drunken antics and a "professional" account.  But who the fuck wants to go through all that?  Now, my Grandma and a few co-workers, know my "alter-ego"and what happens when Jose Cuervo and I get together... WTF!?

3.  Who knew that friends of friends could see your pictures too?  I sure as shit didn't, until recently, when the Baby Mama of an Ex Friend with Benefits decided to comment on almost all my pictures.  They must have had a conversation about me at one point for her to find me because I didn't know this bitch from Adam.  Why? Because I'm the shit...but anyway...

So I go to the confusing ass privacy settings and lock all that down.  I feel like this extra step took 5 minutes of my life, that I can never have back.  Why the hell are friends of friends aloud to look at MY pictures by fucking default?  That stupid biatch AND the Ex Friend with Benefits...BLOCKED. 

4. The "poking" feature.  You can't "poke" me in real life weirdo, so don't effin poke me virtually either.  WTF does that mean anyway? Are you trying to get my "virtual" attention? 

NOTIFICATION: You have been "poked" by some stupid ass who apparently has nothing to say, but wants to molest you online.

5.  The "like" button.  People "like" the most inappropriate things. 

STATUS: My Grandma died today...sad :-(.  

This status was "liked by 5 people."   WHAT?

I need a "dislike" button.  Can I have one of those?  So I can dislike statuses of people who think Facebook is a free therapy session and also those who "like" their own statuses. Who does that?

6.  Virtual farms and sororities.  I just want to see how my friends are doing, view pictures of their vacations and maybe how big the kids are getting.

I do not, however, want to see my 36 year old friends sending each other farm animals and asking for help to build a barn.  WTF are you doing up at 2 in the freakin morning playing online games.  Online games are fine, but the fact that you bought a LIGER for stupid ass fake farm should not be in my flipping Newsfeed.  Speaking of the Newsfeed...

7.  The Newsfeed sucks (and blows)... Why is it default that when I add a friend or write on someone's wall that it's in the Newsfeed?  How the hell is that news? 

Why does my Newsfeed look like my Spam inbox for my Yahoo! account? Becky sent Gerald a heart! or John took a quiz about you! Who the fuck is John and when did I make a quiz and send it out?

If I write on someone's wall, why is it in the Newsfeed? Yeah, if you go to this person's page, you can see our conversation, but does it really need to be broadcasted?

There is no number eight because this isn't really Facebook's fault (imagine that).  It is the fault of the (ab)users of Facebook.  The following public service announcement is purely opinion and if you don't agree, than simply bitch about it in the comments...

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

If you are dating someone who seems insecure or gets jealous easily, for the love of chocolate DO NOT accept their friend request.  If you do, you are asking for trouble.  Let someone post one wrong thing or someone TAGS you in a picture that shows you in a compromising position...

I repeat, DO NOT friend request or accept the friend request of a person you are dating. Better yet, BLOCK them, it's as if you never existed in Facebook universe.  If they are already your friend...un-friend them.  Doing this, you can have one less argument.  It's not about trust or hiding something...you cannot control what other people say about you or the pictures they post (unless you threaten bodily harm), but you CAN control what people see (at least until our friend Mark Zuckerberg changes the privacy settings again.) That is all...

After voicing my frustration to many people, now including you, my friend Candy Pants (don't ask)  told me to try Twitter.  She described it as, "Facebook without the fluff." 

So, I signed up and I must say, I like Twitter.  It really is Facebook...no fluff.  I can follow and then unfollow with no remorse and there are no games, ads, or stalkers etc.  I am happy in Twitter world, for right now; it reminds of Facebook circa 2003-2005, when I liked it.

I keep my Facebook page just to stay on top of the happenings around town, but I can only take it in small doses.  Once or twice every two weeks is enough.  The fact that I might actually have to set up a Facebook page for my blog so I can have more than 2 followers makes me throw up a little, but hey, you do what you gotta do. 

How do you feel about Facebook... Love it, Hate it...hope a black hole would open up and swallow it or wish that it was never born?