The Date Experiment

Relaunch...I kind of missed this shit

2011-01-11T21:25:00.000-05:00

I know. I know.

But, oh do I have some shit to tell you guys...

Stay tuned.

NO, I'm NOT Dead... A Very Merry UN-Birthday and a GIVEAWAY!

2010-09-14T14:35:00.001-04:00

Before I get to the GIVEAWAY...you have to read this shit...

I AM completely having like a Mid-Mid (New Psychological Term?) Life Crisis...

I will be 25 on the 30th of this month. That's right I was born in 1985 on the 30th of September and I am FREAKING out. Where have the last 25 years gone?

I mean, I am nowhere near where I dreamed I was supposed to be at 25. I have an Associates and working on my BA... I'm literally one class and one internship away, BUT I'm not sure if it's what I want to do anymore. I can't really start over because I'm DAMN near 30 AND I'm already ass deep in student loans. Like, to the point where when I graduate, I should just work for SALLIE MAE (that BITCH) and Direct Loans.

I completely and utterly hate my job, to the point where people at my job are starting to realize that I JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK via the hypnotized dude from "Office Space". <<< Great movie...if you have never seen it, you're insane, especially if you work in a cage (cubicle) like I do. You need to rent it.

I have a tattoo that says, "Free Spirit", but I am completely NOT living up to it. I feel like my wings have been clipped. *Picture me rocking back and forth in my cube biting my nails.*

So, I am not celebrating my Birthday this year, because, I don't fuckin' want to BUT, I am going to have a Giveaway. What better way to NOT celebrate than give something away to someone else?

What is the prize? Something everyone could use of course!

*Drum Roll Puuhhlease!*

An Amazon.com Gift Card in the amount of $20!

Yes, celebrate, because Amazon is internet shopping heaven. You didn't know? There's not one thing that I have looked for on Amazon.com that I couldn't find

It ain't much, but it's $20 that you didn't have before biatches!

Here are the rules:

1. You have to be a follower: yes, I AM bribing you.

2. I want you to E-mail (thedateexperiment(at) gmail (dot) com) me a "Bucket List"...my list will be things that I need to do before I'm 30, it can be a list of things you should do before whatever age that you think is a milestone (30, 40, 50 etc.) or before you die, before you finish school...you get the idea; things to do before you have reached some milestone that you feel is important in your life.

3. At LEAST 10 things on the list SLACKERS.

4. You have until Monday, the 27th of September! I will post the winner's List on my blog with a link to your blog or website on Wednesday the 29th of September, if you have one...

5. In your submission E-mail, please include:

Your name and age
The email address that you want the Amazon Gift Card sent to, in the event that you win.
The link and name of the blog or page that you want posted on my page if you win
Don't forget to title your list. Example: "My list of things to do before I go insane in my cubicle one day" or "My list of things I should do before I turn 90/Die"

So, there you have it folks. I'm posting my list sometime this week, so check back. I hope to receive lots of entries!

Remember, send them to thedateexperiment@gmail.com!

Good luck!!

Questions? Drop them in the comments and I'll get back to you ASAP! AND it would be awful helpful if you spread the word about the GIVEAWAY!!!

Toodles Biatches!

I Thought I Knew You... (Caribana Part 4)

2010-08-31T08:03:00.001-04:00

I know I've been MIA...School, work, and I'm getting ready for another adventure...maybe...

BUT...

This is the last part! I didn't realize how long this story would be until I wrote it out. Funny thing is, there is so much more that happened. I guess that will have to wait for my book that I'll write one day.

If you missed: Part 1, Part 2, or Part 3

Anyway...

We now had a mystery on our hands: Where the fuck was Jacky? Dee and I couldn't reach her and admittedly hadn't tried since Caribana. I called, sent texts and got nothing. I was no Nancy Drew, Damien could have sold her off to slavery by now...

There was nothing else to do, but wait for a reasonable hour and then try to get in touch with her. If she was OK, she obviously wasn't worried about us.

TJ was the perfect host. He never made Dee feel like the third wheel and he could have been hanging out with his friends on the craziest weekend of the year in Toronto, but he was being a tour guide for two abandoned tourists.

He stayed in the room that night with Dee and I and we all went down to the lobby and had an amazing breakfast the next day. As we wobbled our full selves towards the elevator, I see Damien and Jacky coming towards us.

I pushed the "UP" button and we all stood there quietly, staring straight ahead. As we rode up to our room, you could actually feel the tension on the elevator. I turned to TJ and said, "This might get ugly..." and he just replied, "I got that feeling too." The other passengers were anxious to get off. We all stepped off the elevator and walked towards our room, stepped inside, and watched as the door clicked closed. That's when all hell broke loose:

Dee: Really Bitch? You bring us up here and ditch us BOTH. I DROVE all the way from Ohio to kick it with you and I've seen you one time in 2 days. I want the money for the rental. I could have stayed at home for this shit!

Me: And how do you leave her and I together? It just so happens that we get along. What if we didn't? You just didn't give a fuck. You lied about this whole trip!

Jacky: I don't have time for this right now. Damien and I have plans today.

Me and Dee: FUCK Damien!

Dee: He's not even cute. You got me bent! Have you been brainwashed?

Damien: Why are you yelling at her like this? You are so disrespectful to your friend. You're not treating her like a friend.

I stood up.

Me: You, sir, should shut the fuck up and stay out of this or get out of MY hotel room!

Damien: I don't have to go anywhere. What are you going to do? Move me?

TJ: She doesn't have to move anybody. I'll gladly do it for her.

I couldn't help but think that he was even HOTT-ER when he was angry...GRRRR! OK...wrong time, I KNOW, but he was MAN-Candy!

Jacky: Jazz, don't talk to him like that, he doesn't have to go anywhere.

Damien: *Looking at TJ* And who the fuck are you?

TJ: I....

Me: TJ...doesn't have to explain ANYthing. AND he is correct. I don't have to move anybody and neither does he. I don't know if YOU forgot BITCH, but this hotel room is in MY NAME. I will happily call security on both of you. So tread lightly DA-MI-EN.

Neither Jacky nor Damien had anything to say at that point.

Dee: But like I said, I want the money for the rental, before I leave tonight. I don't care if it comes from the BUM or YOU, but it better come from someone.

Jacky: I don't have to give you anything!

Jacky and Dee were nose to nose at this point.

Dee: Really Jacky, you would fight me over HIM? He lives in Toronto. What the hell are you going to do when we get back to Ohio?

Jacky: What do you mean?

Me: It means that we're not even friends. At this point, we're enemies.

Jacky: You guys would stop being my friend over something so stupid?

Me: Stupid? You tricked me! You tricked me for 6 years...I don't even know you. You let this lame ass come in here and chose him over US? Your Friends??? You should have come by yourself if you were that thirsty for affection. I mean you can't get a man in Ohio, so you have to travel all the way to Toronto? Is your self esteem really that low? Where did you meet him anyway...on Facebook? WOW.

Dee: And you're sleeping over his parents house? Nasty bitch, what THEY must think of you...

Hotel security knocked on the door a some point during this argument. You should have seen the fear on Damien's face. I should have had both of their asses dragged out of my room, but I needed to finish yelling at Jacky...

We all just stood there in silence staring at each other for what seemed like the longest time. There was really nothing else to say. Our friendship was over. Jacky grabbed up enough things to stay the night at Damien's but left her suitcase. I asked for her key so I could give it to Dee and she refused to give it up.

I let her leave and then marched right down to the front desk to get the other keys cancelled and get two new ones. If Jacky wanted to come back in that room, she was going to have to go through ME!

TJ actually had a whole list of things that we could do that day and Dee was all for it, until the guy she met the day before called her and wanted to meet up. We agreed to split up for the day and meet back at the hotel around 8PM for the Gyptian concert.

TJ took me everywhere! We went on the subway to a flea market and they had roasted corn dripping with butter. Mmmmm, my fat man personality, Grisham, was truly on cloud nine! We then took a trolley to another flea market that sold mostly music. He bought me a bunch of mixed CDs so I could listen to REAL music, as he called it. We took the subway and walked all over downtown.

We stopped by his house and he made me traditional Trini food for lunch. It was too spicy, but I still ate it with my eyes watering and him laughing at me. I wanted to detach my lips from my face and sit them in ice water, that shit was so damn HOT! I had to prove that I wasn't a punk, but I would have tapped out under normal circumstances.

Eight came way to fast, especially since I was leaving the next day. Dee, her new friend, TJ and I met up at the hotel as planned and Dee drove us to the outdoor concert.

Gyptian gave an amazing performance (he sounds EXACTLY like he does on the radio...posted his newest song below) and we made our way back to the hotel at around 1 in the morning. Dee had to leave that night to get the rental back, so we said our goodbyes and traded numbers.

And then there were 2...

TJ and I stayed up until 5 in the morning talking until we finally just passed out only to wake up 4 hours later to get all my stuff packed up. Jacky did come back that morning to get her suitcase...with Damien. I admit, I let her struggle with the door for about a good five minutes before I let her in. *Evil Smile Here*

I got everything together and TJ got us a cab to the bus station. He waited with me until it was time for me to leave.

Right when I was about to get on the bus, he grabbed my hand, spun me around and kissed me. He told me that I had to come back soon and he missed me already. I SO did not want to leave!

I got on the bus and put on my Mp3 player to drown out all the sounds and listen to tunes on the ride home. All was good, until I got to Buffalo, NY and our freakin' bus was an hour late because we got held up at the border, so I missed the bus back to Cleveland. I had to wait 5 hours for the next bus!

Of course, Jacky, was nowhere to be found. I soon figured out when were boarding the bus to Cleveland that she knew someone in Buffalo and she went and got something to eat and sat at their house, while I was sitting at the bus station by myself.

And that bus station was scary...OK?

I put out a PSA on Facebook to tell all my friends where I was, just in case something happened to me...I still hate Facebook, but it sure came in handy that day! I was also texting TJ the whole time I was there, which helped keep me calm.

I saw a man get tackled by the police and this other guy was walking around telling everyone that he knew how to fix the BP oil spill. Not to mention, the woman that was asking for money for Similac...while smoking a cigarette.

Creepazoids...

After all this, Jacky had nerve enough to offer me food on the bus. I wanted to cram the bag down her throat. I told her to go fuck herself and turned my music back up.

I finally made it home at about 12 in the morning, I was supposed to have gotten home by 6 PM! And I had to go to work the next day...UGH!

Well, that's all folks! No, I don't talk to Jacky anymore. Yes, I still talk to TJ...a lot actually. Almost everyday since I left... I am actually packing for another trip...but that's another story!

Toodles Biatches!

They Really Like Me!

2010-08-31T07:28:00.000-04:00

Hey!

Guess what? I got another award!

This "Blog of Substance" award is from Jess at It is a Big Deal, It is to Me!

In order to accept the award I have to:

Thank the blogger who awarded it to you.
Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five (5) words.
Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

First of all... Thank you Jess! I'm glad people actually read my ramblings and think them entertaining...

Blogging philosophy, motivation, and history in 5 words: Laughter, Expression, Frustration, Entertainment and Relationship-Assistance....

The last one is one word...whatever!

10 Blogs that I feel have real substance:

A Look In a Creative Mind
Get Aroused?
Relationship Rant
Water Cooler, The
Intimate Memoirs of a Modern Girl
Free Your Giggle
A little piece of me
The Queen of Relationships
Under My Fitted
An International Affair

Now, I have to actually tell these people I gave them an award...sheesh! A blogger's work is NEVER done!

Toodles Biatches,

Party Girl Plus One: Episode 6, One Big Squeeze

2010-08-24T08:10:00.000-04:00

Sheesh, it's only Tuesday and I am having one of those weeks. How about my supervisor gave us scheduled lunches. I haven't had a fuckin' scheduled lunch since High School. Hell, I hardly had it then...I was a cheerleader and self-proclaimed Mean Girl--I did what I wanted. So, it's not bad enough that I'm in a square cube for eight hours, they have to tell me when I'm hungry too! What if I don't want to eat at 12:30??? I HATE this JOB!!!!

Sorry for that, but I needed to get that out...

Anyways...

Yay for Video Day! Another great Party Girl Plus One installement from Jen Dawson! You know what to do: Watch, Laugh, and Comment!

My Thoughts: I actually think this is one of my favorite in the video series. This dude NEVER stopped talking! I mean, since when does a guy come over to watch a movie and the movie is ACTUALLY watched? BO-RING...

And I think Jen's got some great flexibility..

So, any of you been on an extremely boring date? What did you do to get out of it? Crawl out the bathroom window, play sick? Drop me a comment!

For more about Jen and her video series, visit www.partygirlpplusone.com...

Toodles Biatches!

Waiting for the "Fake Emergency Phone Call"

2010-08-23T11:26:00.000-04:00

The Blog Catalog members came through yet again and helped me out! This time it was, "What NOT to say on a First Date."

I picked 10 from all the entries to post here. I also added a link to each persons blog. So, laugh, comment, and go check out their awesomeness!

1. Wow, what a great date. I had an awesome time and my kid's will be psyched. You possess 8 out of the 10 attributes they want in "New Mommy."
--BiggJ (Youth Jerseys Blog)

2. "My wife and I have and open marriage."
--Diana (The Hidden Face of the Moon)

3. "I think I'm falling in love with you."
--Konway East (Water Cooler, The)

4. "When I look into your eyes I can see our unborn children."
--FreakSmack (Funny Mugshots)

5. "What happened to the girl in your photo?"
--Derek Bowles (The Mind of Derek Bowles)

6. *Phone rings .... index finger being held up in a hold-on a minute would you?* ... "Hello, darling .. I've missed you, too."
--Theresa (Sleeping Kitten- Dancing Dog!)

7. "I don't even really like you, I just haven't gotten laid in a while."
-The Boo (The Boo Report)

8. "The shovel is there in case I hit a deer, the plastic bags because I was moving, the lime is for a friend."
--Hank (Photography by Hank Plumley)

9. "Whaddaya mean, 'No'? Get in the back seat like a good girl."
--Mel (The Not-Pop Jukebox)

10. "My house ain't been cleaned good since my first wife..."
--AJ (Under My Fitted)

Definitely all First Date RED Flags!

Thanks again, Blog Catalog members you're the SHIT!

Has anyone ever said something heinous to you on a first date?

Toodles Biatches!

P.S. Did I make you smile today?

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Guest Spotlight: Dating Chronicles

2010-08-19T07:20:00.002-04:00

I've been following (stalking) @DatingChronicle on Twitter for a while now and her "tweets" were so interesting, I had to ask if she would do a guest post. DC tells the "Twitterverse" her dating stories...140 Characters at a time... Here Dating Chronicles tells us how to look at the good side of a break-up:
Break-ups Suck….Silver Linings Rock

For those who don’t know me, I have been on a mission to find the man with whom I am to share my life. In the past 14-16 months I have been on over 100 first dates. Yup, over 100. Truly it’s closer to 150 but that just sounds egregious doesn’t it?

I finally met someone I was willing to go on a second date with ….then a third…and a forth….. I’ve been tweeting (@DatingChronicle) about him (aka New Guy) over the past two months while we’ve been dating. Two months may not sound like a very long time --- however, when you haven’t accepted a second date in over 16 months and then you go on more than fifteen dates with the same guy, it takes it up a notch or two.

This past Saturday we broke up.

Crushing.

In the past few days I’ve been trying to focus on left-brain thoughts. You know the ones – the reasonable, rational, logical thoughts that make dealing with the pain of a break-up easier.

Following is my current top six list ….the top six silver linings behind this break-up…..wish I had ten….perhaps by the end of the week….or maybe you’ll have some to add!?

(6)    I am free to plan my weekends on my own. New Guy was not a fan of planning in advance which is hard for me since many of the things I love to do (camping, hiking, road-trips) require an element of planning since I share my life with a dog. This is a challenge no more.

(5)    Scheduling item #2 – no more scheduling around the kids and his ex-wife’s life. (In two months more than four adjustments to the schedule).

(4)    Speaking of his ex….. no more worry about awkwardly running into her. Our worlds were getting closer and closer as I realized we have friends and business associates in common.

(3)     Shaving daily is a pain. I no longer have to do this.

(2)     The $500 I was planning to spend on bikini laser treatment is now available to buy seriously hot heels.
…..and the #1 Silver Lining behind this break-up…..

(1)     New guy is short – really short (i.e. 1” taller than I am and I’m short)…..my favorite pair of heels is 4” high. I am once again free to wear these seriously hot heels (and others which I will buy with the $500 referenced in item #2!)

There you have it – my top six silver linings from this break-up. Feeling confident that we’ll have a full top-ten by the end of the week……

I look forward to your insights!

Follow Dating Chronicle on Twitter! @DatingChronicle

Toodles Biatches!

Party Girl Plus One: Episode 5, Strip Tease

2010-08-18T07:58:00.000-04:00

I know everything I did this week is behind! I had a long ass paper to write AND I babysat! Me...watching little people; worst idea ever. They just reinforced the fact that I am not having children. They weren't bad, but the youngest NEVER STOPPED TALKING! When she DID stop, she still made some sort of noise.

I can't see how parents do it. It's not like you can change your mind and give them back...

Anyway, Video Day is here! *Turning off the lights and grabbing popcorn* Party Girl Plus One did it again! Watch, laugh and comment:

MY THOUGHTS: Hmmm... Valentine's Day. I hate it when people ask me what I'm doing on V-Day, especially when the a-holes know I'm single. It's usually just me and Jose Cuervo...he never lets me down.

I've never been to a wild all girl party like that, however, I get hit on by girls all the time. Probably because I'm a huge flirt. It isn't even uncomfortable anymore. I just figure, "Hey, men AND women think I'm hawt...heeey!" I've never even kissed a girl, nor do I have the desire too, but it seems like it's the norm nowadays.

Ever been in a situation where someone of the same sex tried to "take your cookies"? How did you respond: offended or flattered OR went with it?

Want to know more about Jen Dawson of Party Girl Plus One? Visit www.partygirlplusone.com

Did I tickle your fancy today? You should:

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Follow me on Twitter!
Like me on Facebook!

Toodles Biatches!

Do You Believe in Magic? (Caribana Part 3)

2010-08-17T07:46:00.001-04:00

This is the continuation of my vacation in Toronto, Canada from Chicks Before Dicks (Caribana Part 2)...

(P.S. Video Day will be TOMORROW! I got e-mail threats for leaving you hanging...so here ya go biatches!)

So, I'm looking at TJ and my first thought was, "Woooow...," but I was pissed AND hungry AND lost-- this was not the time for sexy island men...

Me: Hi TJ...Bye TJ.

TJ: Woah...you're not even going to tell me your name?

Me: No. Good Day.

TJ: What's the matter? Maybe I can help.

I stopped and looked up at him. He was almost a foot taller than me.

Me: Unless you can get me back to Ohio, there really isn't anything for us to talk about.

TJ: Ohio? It's such a nice night...what could possibly have made you so angry?

I told him everything that had happened and why I was stomping around with a bag full of food. He explained that he was originally from Trinidad and visiting with his father. AND that he was only 20 years old. This guy looked at least 25!

He called one of his friends that lived in Toronto and asked him directions to my hotel so that he could walk me there. A stroll that should have only taken about 15 minutes at the most, turned into an hour and a half. We talked, laughed, and took goofy pictures. My stomach was growling loudly and I remembered the food.

I looked at my phone and realized that I had about 20 texts from Jacky asking where I was and what happened to the food. I texted her back and told her I would be there in a minute.

I told TJ that I should go back to the hotel and invited him up to eat and have a drink with us before he met up with his friends later. It was the least I could do; he made me forget about all the issues with Jacky and walked me back to the hotel.

I knocked on our hotel room door, just in case anybody wasn't decent, and walked in. I told TJ to wait a minute.

Jacky: Where have you been?

Me: YOU have a lot of nerve! For your information, I got...lost. But look what I found! *I opened the door so TJ could walk in*

Jacky: Oh...hello.

TJ: Hi, you must be Jacky?

Jacky: Uhhh...

Me: TJ helped me find my way back. Wasn't that nice of him? He's going to have some food too. So, Jacky, what are your plans for the rest of the evening?

Jacky: Weeeelllll... Damien wants to go to a club downtown and...

Me: Oh, YOU and DAMIEN...Jacky what was the point of me coming here?

TJ was looking really uncomfortable as he unpacked the food.

Jacky: Well , my friend Dee is coming up tomorrow too and...

Me: WHO? Who the hell is Dee, where in the shit is SHE staying? I don't remember ANYbody else putting money in on this hotel!

Jacky: She got a rental car, so we have a way around when she gets here.

Me: When were you going to tell me about Dee? Oh, around the same time Damien popped up?

Jacky: I just want to hang out with him tonight...tomorrow me, you and Dee can go to Caribana and hang out.

Me: Whatever Jacky...I really don't care what you do.

Trevor: Water?

We both looked at him as if remembering he was in the room. There was a knock on the door and Jacky ran to answer it. Of course, it was Damien. She scarfed down her food and they left.

Trevor: Wow. She invited another girl without you knowing?

Me: Apparently.

Trevor: Do you want to hang out with me tonight? You don't have to have to be by yourself.

Me: No, I'm tired anyway...its been a really long day.

Trevor: I see, well, can I see you tomorrow? At Caribana?

Me: Yeah, that would be fun.

We exchanged numbers and he promised to call the next day before the parade. He left and I put on my jammies to go to bed.

Jacky NEVER came back that night...

7:30 A.M.

Jacky: HEY JAZZ!!

Me: I opened one eye. Who, what, where?!

Jacky: This is Dee....Lets go down to breakfast!

Me: Hi...Dee.

We just looked at each other. I could already imagine what she was thinking. I completely went off on Jacky last night and I'm sure she told Dee. I was also sure that right now I was unfairly being dubbed "The Bad Guy." That was fine because I had a feeling that Jacky was going to show her ass again before the day was over.

I got up and threw on some sweats for breakfast. We went downstairs and chatted while eating. Dee seemed pretty cool. Jacky was full of promises about what we were going to do today and how much fun we were going to have at Caribana. I asked where Damien was and if he would be making an appearance. Jacky assured Dee and I that this was going to be a Girl's Day and the men of Toronto better watch out!

We went back upstairs to get dressed for Caribana. We turned on some Soca music and danced as we got ready. It was starting to look like this trip was going to turn out to be fun!

TJ texted me to tell me he was on his way to the parade and he hoped to see me later. As we walked off the elevator, Damien was waiting there. I looked at Jacky like, "Really Bitch?"

She shrugged and we all piled into the taxi--I was way too excited at this point to be angry. When we got there the music was loud and intoxicating. I could feel the bass in my heart. All the people, the costumes, the colors and the dancing...AMAZING!

As expected, Jacky and Damien wondered off and could not be reached by phone or text. TJ and I kept missing each other because there were so many people. We eventually just agreed to meet up later back at the hotel.

Dee couldn't believe how Jacky acted like a completely different person around Damien...she had actually been friends with her longer than I had. We just shrugged it off, danced in the parade for hours and drank at the beer tent. We made our way back to the hotel only to find out that that bitch, Jacky, had BEEN back! I could tell because she left her St. Lucian flag from the parade on the desk.

TJ got to the hotel around 11 and I introduced him to Dee, as if I hadn't JUST met her that morning, and he took us down to Dundas Square. It was just SO many people around, just hanging out and talking on a beautiful night. We walked past a man on a velvet throw and forks spread out around him.

TJ: He does magic...

He seemed really creeped out by this and I found it hilarious.

Me: Oh, really?

TJ: Yes, you don't believe me?

Me: No...I don't.

TJ: Hey, Sir...she doesn't believe in magic!

Pharaoh the Magician: Oh reaaaally, come here girl, let me show you what I can do. *He pointed at Dee* YOU too.

We walked up on each side of him and he handed us both a fork. He told us to write our exes initials and our own names on the forks. It was funny that he said our Exes because my Ex asshole had JUST texted me that day!

The things that he made these forks do...if I hadn't of seen it with my OWN two eyes, I would have never believed it.

He made me do a winding motion with the fork in my hand. I actually felt the metal of the fork twist, as it did some Exorcist type shit and the top of it did a 360... like a corkscrew.

Pharaoh told Dee to guess a number between 1 and 7; she picked 3 and shook the fork per Pharaoh's instructions. When she stopped 3 of the forks prongs had bent up!

My "Magic" Fork

The final trick, he made us count to 3 and at 3 we both were to point at the forks. We counted: 1...2...3...and pointed. My fork fell apart and Dee's fork went completely flat, like a pancake. Pharaoh said that this represented the release of all the bad energy from the past relationship with the person we wrote on the fork. I STILL need to text my Ex to see if he is OK...I mean my fork FELL APART. The guy's penis may have fallen off or something...not that he wouldn't deserve it.

He let us keep our mangled forks as souvenirs. TJ wouldn't even touch it...LOL. (Below is a video of Pharaoh in action...it isn't the same trick, but it shows what he can do)

As we were walking back to the hotel, I turned to Dee and it seemed like we both realized at the same time that we hadn't seen Jacky since that afternoon and it was almost 5AM...

I know! Sorry, I did it again. Part 4 is the LAST part I promise...

Toodles Biatches!

P.S. Check out this video of Pharaoh in Dundas Square, doing his thing:

Chicks Before Dicks... (Caribana Part 2)

2010-08-13T08:12:00.001-04:00

Like I have said a million times already, Toronto was great...

However, when you are traveling with others, something is almost always guaranteed to go wrong. That's why I usually only travel with one or two people because, more BITCHES means more problems.

Sometimes, even traveling with ONE other person is an issue, especially when both have different reasons for going...

After a twelve hour bus trip to Toronto (it would have only been 8, but we got held on the border because some idiot on the bus didn't have her passport), we arrive at the bus station.

I had already checked and was aware that we were only about a five minute walking distance from the hotel, but who the hell wants to do that with luggage?

I was ready to catch a cab or rather, they were ready to catch ME, when my friend, Jacky says that she is calling her friend to come and get us. I'm like, OK, whatever...call him. I figured it was just a coincidence that he was downtown. She was on the phone, yelling over all the city noise, trying to tell him where we were located, while I was looking for him to drive up in a car.

Jacky: Oh, there he is

Me: *Looking up and down the street* Uhh, where?

Jacky: *Pointing* Right there!... Hey Baby! (Baby?)

Me: Well why the hell is he walking?? I mean is he literally going to carry us to the hotel??

Jacky: Oh, he doesn't have a car...

Me: So, why is he meeting us here?

Jacky: He's my boyfriend...be nice Jazz!

I just stood there with a stunned look on my face as they smooched in the middle of downtown giggling like long lost friends...

This was not what I signed up for...this was supposed to be a drunken, rock out with your cock out!, girls gone wild, and eventually BLACK OUT type of weekend. Who the hell wants to be a third wheel? I am in no sense of the word a "cock-blocker", but the bitch could have made this trip by herself.

I took a deep breath and asked him how we were getting to the hotel. He took both of our bags and headed towards a cab. Don't they have bellboys AT the hotel? He completely could have met us later on.

He paid for the cab and we go upstairs to our room. We all just sit there for an awkward moment.

Me: Well, this is interesting.

Jacky: This is Damien.

Me: Well, hello Damien...where are you staying this weekend?

Jacky: Jazz!

Damien: I live downtown.

Me: OK...I don't know about you two, but I'm hungry and in need of a shower, so I'm going to do that now.

Jacky: Then we can all go eat.

Me: Riiiiight

As I take a shower and get dressed, I resolved to make the best of the situation. I called out Jacky's name to discuss the eating issue, because it was getting SERIOUS. Grisham, the fat man that I am sure lives inside my body, was pissed that there was no food intake for the last 18 hours.

I got no answer from Jacky, so I walk into the living area. There was no one in the room. Both these assholes had left me!

I started texting:

Me: Ummm... where are you?

Jacky: We just went for a walk...

Me: OK, how about you come back so WE can all get something to eat...

No answer...20 minutes pass...

Me: Hello????

Jacky: Hi, what do you want to eat? Damien said he would pay for it.

Me: How the fuck am I supposed to know? I'm in a different COUNTRY? Why don't you come back so we can all go?

No answer... 30 minutes...at this point I am seeing RED. Pissed. I could have bitten someone.

Me: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!!!!

Jacky: We went to get drinks...

Me: Really BITCH? We're in CANADA, I have no CANADIAN MONEY and you leave me in a room by MYSELF for that ugly Nike knock-off wearin' piece of shit?

Hey, I can get really ugly when I'm hungry. There was no answer, I texted about 30 obscenities and still no answer. I turned on the TV, watched it for about an hour and then I started packing my stuff.

Why should I stay? My plan was to get my money back from Jacky for the hotel and the bus and catch the FIRST thing smoking back to Ohio.

Another hour passed...

And another...

I hear the card key in the door...

I had put the security lock across the door, so it caught when she opened it. I pushed the door closed, snatched the security lock off and violently pulled the door open. They both almost fell into the room.

Me: Bitch, give my money for the hotel AND the bus. I'm buying a ticket home!

Jacky: I'm sorry, we walked really far to go to the liquor store. I bought a bottle for us! *She pulled out a bottle of Bombay Sapphire*

What do I drink? Right. Tequila. Do you think I would travel without Jose Cuervo? Never! Jacky knew this!

Me: Who the fuck drinks that? It took THREE hours to walk to the store? This is a city...you could have caught a cab, a trolley, a bus...

Jacky: I'm SO sorry! Don't go home, I want to have fun this weekend. We can go get something to eat now. Damien said he'll buy it.

Grisham wasn't going to pass on a deal like that. We walk about 15 minutes, passing McDonald's, about twenty Sushi Queens, Subway and come to a Jamaican restaurant.

I've never eaten Jamaican food. I asked was Oxtail really Oxtail, or did it stand for something else?

Damien orders me something called Shrimp Roti after I told him my stipulations of no beef, no pork, and NO OX. We were told our food would take about 20 minutes...

When the food was bagged, Damien paid, I thanked him, grabbed it and start towards the door. I hear Jacky order two beers. I stopped in my tracks and turned around.

Me: You sat there for TWENTY minutes and decide NOW that you want a beer?

Jacky: Me and Damien wanted to drink them with our food.

Waiter: You can't take those out of here...

Damien: OK, we'll just drink them really quick and head back to the hotel.

Me: Hell no! YOU guys can stay, I haven't eaten in damn near 24 hours you inconsiderate bastards...I'm going back to the hotel!

I stomped out, carrying all the food. This was turning out to be a shitty weekend and we had only been in Toronto for 6 hours! I'm doing my mad walk down the street and the anger dissipates, leaving a sense of disorientation.

Yep, I was lost!

All the hotels seemed to look just alike, the street signs meant absolutely nothing... since there were a MILLION Sushi places, those all looked alike too. I just kept walking, I didn't even know the name of the street the hotel was on.

I take my phone out and hit Google Maps... and then remembered...No. 3G. In. Canada. As I'm cursing my phone out, a shadow looms over me and I hear footsteps falling into place with mine.

Oh shit... now I'm going to get mugged, beaten and left for dead all because of that bitch Jacky and her asshole boyfriend?

I slowly look over and was startled by a very tall, very cute man, with light brown eyes smiling down at me...

He said with an island accent, "Hi, I'm TJ"...

TO BE CONTINUED....

Hey, I know I just Prime Time TV, leave me hangin'd you. Guess you'll just have to come back to see what happens next in: Caribana Part 3: Do You Believe in Magic?

Toodles Biatches!

P.S. If you missed Caribana Part 1

Caribana!... PART 1

2010-08-11T07:38:00.000-04:00

This is just a brief overview of my trip and some photos.

(Bear with me, my camera is crappy. I'm seriously about to add an "About Me" page with a PayPal Donate button.)

A whole lot of shit went down though, I lost a friend, but gained two more. I was also in a MAGIC show.

I also learned that age might not be as big a factor in dating as I once thought... Basically way too much for one post. I don't want to give you an information overload!

So, my trip to Toronto was freakin' AH-MAZ-ING. I had no idea what the Canadians were working with up there. I mean I could completely live there. Except that they don't have Chipotle...major FAIL!

I went for Caribana, which is a cultural festival...the biggest one ever! 1.5 million visitors annually, mostly from the West Indies. I do not have any sort of background in the West Indies, but my friend's (well, now my EX-friend...why?... that's another post!) family is from St. Lucia.

When the bus arrived into the city, I was amazed...everything is glass. The condos they have downtown were called the ICE condos. Who wouldn't want to live somewhere called ICE?

Our hotel was swank as hell. When I went to check in, there were about 30 men standing around of all shapes and sizes. My first thought was, "This is going to be a GREAT weekend!"

After I wiped the slobber off my face and handed my credit card over to officially check in, we went upstairs to the room. Full kitchen, 42" flat screen TV that swiveled, big comfy king size bed and pull-out couch. I wanted to move in!

Saturday was the actual day of Caribana, and it went on for SEVEN hours. Me and my friend ended up jumping IN the parade and dancing for hours. Nobody said anything, we just went from one float to the next. I may not talk like an islander, but I can shake my ass with the best of them!

All sweaty and tired, we made our way to the beer tents... although we were carrying around a bottle of Moet. (Hey, it's vacaaation!) We ate roasted corn and drank and had the BEST time.

We then went back to the hotel to get dressed for a night out. We went to Dundas Square, where I was in a magic show and stayed out until 4 in the morning. We woke up Sunday to a breakfast of French Toast, scrambled eggs, and home fries! Yum!

Monday morning, I was not ready to leave! I love Toronto...the diversity and how laid back everyone was. I can't wait to go back!

I also learned some things about Canada on this trip:

1. Canadians and all other places outside of the US, think Americans are funny...they are not laughing WITH us, they are most definitely laughing AT us.

2. Instead of "Eclipse" gum, they have "Excel" gum...I completely thought it was a cheap knock-off and actually got into an argument with someone over it. "Excel" really IS the Canadian version of "Eclipse"...go fuckin figure? That person felt the name "Eclipse" for gum was just plain stupid.

3. There are Sushi restaurants on EVERY freakin' corner in Toronto. More sushi restaurants than McDonald's. I love Sushi, but damn, too many options, no reccomendations and Sushi is nothing to mess with...eat bad Sushi, pay consequences later!

4. In America, you're lucky if a cab stops for you; in Canada, they practically attack you when you're walking down the street. It doesn't even have to LOOK like you want a cab and their yelling at you! Ironically, every single time I asked a cab driver how to get somewhere, they gave me the wrong directions... (Things that make you go hmmm...)

5. Canadian money is annoying. I can't stand change and I am ALWAYS trying to get rid of it. Not only do they have pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters, but they have $1 and $2 as coins...WTF? I like having the option to NOT carry a silver dollar. So here I am, looking like a complete asshole, trying to figure out the difference between my $1, $2, and 25 cent COINS while intoxicated.

AND when I went to trade in my Canadian money at my bank in the US, they wouldn't take my Bob Damned coins, so now I have like $15.00 in Canadian coins...

More Pictures:

Next Toronto vacation installment: Chicks Before Dicks! Stay Tuned...

Toodles Biatches!

Party Girl Plus One: Episode 4, Frequent Vagina Flyer

2010-08-10T07:30:00.000-04:00

It's Video Day class!

Turn down the lights (unless you're at work) and enjoy another installment of Party Girl Plus One. I knew I was going to like this one at the title. It gives me a chance to use the word Va-jay-jay!

You know what to do: watch, laugh, and comment...

My Thoughts: Talk about a freakin' mood killer. He was inspecting the va-jay-jay like a gynecologist. Hell, a gyno shouldn't even be looking that close! Yeah, he would have gotten the shoe in the face from me too...

Ever experienced an awkward moment like that? Comment or better yet why haven't you emailed me that story yet!?

For more info on Jen and Party Girl Plus One visit www.partygirlplusone.com.

Toodles Biatches!

Way to Kill A Mood...

2010-08-09T10:18:00.000-04:00

We've all been there... You're about to get "dirty" and then the idiot says something to completely kill the mood.

I called on my friends from Blog Catalog once again to help me out with this. I asked them to give me "Things that should not be said during sex..."

I had 100+ replies to sift through to pick the 10 funniest/worst ones! Just like the "10 Worst Pick-Up Lines", I listed the person that submitted, with a link to their blog.

So, read, laugh, and check out these awesome blogs biatches! Don't forget to comment AND follow if you like what you see...

1. "Hey, I was just joking about that whole 'I love you' thing, is that cool?"
-- Konway East (Water Cooler, the)

2. "Seriously.. Untie me."

3. "The doctor said he was pretty sure it's not contagious."
-- 2 and 3: Derek Bowles (The Mind of Derek Bowles)

4. ::Disappointed Expression:: "...is that it?!"
--The Boo (The Boo Report)

5. "You look so much like my mother."
--ASpotOfBlog (A Spot of Blog)

6. "Is it alright if my friend watches?"
--Andrew G. Carson (The Housebound Writer)

7. "I was born with a little penis... Actually it wasn't really a little penis, it was an extended clitoris... The doctor cut it off when I was born..."
--FreakSmack (Funny Mugshots)
FYI: He stated that someone ACTUALLY said that to him... FAIL!

8. "How'd you get these scratches on your back?"
--Hank Plumley (Photography by Hank Plumley)

9. "My Gary gets out of jail tomorrow!"
--J. Dominic Fisher (Jacobin Reason)

10. "That's not a wart, it's just a birthmark."
--Alex (Cooking for Assholes)

Well, that's all folks! Those are pretty awful, right? Think you can do worse? Drop it in the comments!

Toodles Biatches!

How Cool Is This?!

2010-08-06T00:18:00.001-04:00

This really isn't a post. Think of it as one of those annoying ass filler episodes in a season of your most favoritest show. Your most favoritest show should be True Blood. Only a few episodes left, how sad is that???!

My bad, I'm sure I have an Attention Deficit Disorder, but was never properly diagnosed.

OK, so for the good news...finally...

Speeddate.com featured me on their blog! Horror Date #1: Runs in With the Law.

They sent me an e-mail asking what my most horrific date EVER was and of course my choice was the Corona and I Have a Rocky Past... story. That date was a complete and EPIC fail.

So check out my write-up at www.speeddate.com and hell, maybe you should sign up. Shit, maybe I should sign up? I'm not having so much luck with this dating thing, but whatever...it's not my fault that these men can't handle all my HAWTness...

Coming up soon...

I STILL need to tell you guys about my amazing trip to Canada and I will, be patient with me, my life is a complete circus right now!

Toodles Biatches!

Guest Spotlight: Emma! (The Better Half of the Housebound Writer)

2010-08-05T07:51:00.000-04:00

How often is it that you hear both sides to ANY story? Well, about a month ago I had Andrew Carson as a Guest Spotlight: The Housebound Writer, it was about his first date with Emma...his first date after NINE YEARS. If you haven't read it , you should, because it is an amazing story.

Anyways, I was lucky enough to get BOTH perspectives to this particular story. Emma sent me her version of their first date! Enjoy!

Why Mr. Right Is Better Than Mr. Right Now!

I’ve dated some complete zeroes in my time who are either just interested in me because sex with a yoga teacher is on the list of things to do before you die or they are more turned on by their own bodies than by any girl’s.

I once had a date with a guy who’s name was, without a word of a lie “Joe King” and he was the least funny guy I’ve ever met. He spent the entire dinner date telling me what not to eat, as I’ll get fat. I was like, "Hey buddy, I’m a God damn Yoga teacher, I know how to watch my figure, which is something you will never do, yah putz."

Now, my Mr. Right is different from these guys, he hasn’t got a six pack... he likes to say, "I’ve got a keg and who doesn’t like keg parties?" (LOL!)

We first met on a movie forum online when a guy, who without a doubt still lives in his Momma’s basement, has never had a date... period, and goes by the name GeorgeLucasIsGod117, was attacking a comment I made. My comment was, “Independent movies have to rely on great characters rather than great plot devices or CGI so they tend to be better written than Studio Pictures.” I thought it was a fair point.

He returned with, “Bitch, you don’t know wet d**k about flicks go back to your Sex And The City chick flick s**t dildo box set and let the men talk.”

About 10 seconds later, while I was about to write a nasty reply, a mystery poster called AndrewGCarson wrote, “Hey w**kface, you’re out of line, apologise or I’ll come over there and kick you’re a**e.”

Mr.117 replied, “Sorry I shouldn’t have said that, can you forgive me? Hey big man you wouldn‘t really come over would you?” Ha! From that day on, for three months we talked everyday on MSN and SKYPE.

Now, for about three weeks before we went on our first date I had developed feelings, strong feelings, hell I can admit I fell in love with him, but shooosh that’s between us only! I was to shy to tell him, as our friendship meant a lot to me, but I bucked up the courage with the help of some wine (a bottle) and asked him out for coffee via E-mail.

I couldn’t do it over the webcam and see him squirm if he wasn’t interested. Thankfully, he said yes after the 10th time I asked him. He’s very shy himself about conversation and being in public, as he has lived in his own head for so long... if you guys know him, you’ll know his back-story and understand.

The day arrives and we are to meet at 2 PM, but I got there at 1:43, I know, smacks of desperation, but people, this is Mr Right we’re talking about here! So, he get’s there on time and immediately thinks he is late cause I’m already there. He gets so cute when he’s flustered.

We go in, and he holds my chair for me as I sit down. Very charming... I’ve never once had a date do that for me. We sit down and commence our usual random conversations that have us giggling like idiots, when this tool who is sitting at the next table leans towards us, away from his date and begins talking on his phone.

Drew let out a, "You got to be f***ing kidding me, a***hole," which makes the guy get up and leave sharply. Drew sits shell-shocked, not believing he actually said it, but I found it hilarious and it is forever cemented in my mind as my first experience of one of his “Brain Fart” moments when his inner monologue stops working....think Austin Powers, lol.

The only scary thing during the date was when he had one of his seizures, but afterwards we didn’t want it to end, so we went back to my place (Did I hear wolf whistles?...LOL) to watch his supposed short film starring James McAvoy and lo and behold, it actually does star a very young James McAvoy acting on screen with Mr. Carson himself! Drew was stealing the scene... absolutely amazing.

Afterward, we talked, we listened to music, we danced badly, lol, and in a moment of looking into his big puppy dog eyes, I decided we should both get lucky again... Don’t Judge, I count all the MSN/SKYPE conversations as dates, so like we had loads more than most people would have before going to bed. LOL, I'll keep telling myself that anyway.

Now Drew has a lot of hang-ups because of his illness. His head plays strange tricks on him, but he’s the only guy I’ve ever known who has hang ups about the size of his... ahem (points downward) who shouldn’t in any way. How should I put this?... He’s no “Mighty Mouse” he’s a “Hulk“, LOL...

Oh, and Drew made a comment about thanking God or possibly the Devil for me liking him. Well, DrewBear, I totally love you and it’s nothing to do with religion, it’s because you are the greatest man I’ve ever met and I should point out... Don’t call him, DrewBear he doesn’t like it. (Call him it... it’s totally funny, LOL!)

Emma, Thank You so much for sharing this! For more info on Andrew G. Carson AKA DrewBear (LOL)... visit The Housebound Writer...

Toodles Biatches!

Party Girl Plus One, Episode 3: EXtreme Measure

2010-08-04T08:13:00.000-04:00

Well Hell-O,

I must admit, I missed this blog...I didn't miss work AT ALL, but I missed writing. This has become a part of my life as much as everything else and I LOVE all the feedback! I've also met some really awesome people since starting this.

I actually went to Toronto, Ontario and had an AMAZING time, and of course, I have stories...I'm working on those posts now, but I'm rambling...

So, I know this is Wednesday, but we are going to have VIDEO DAY!

Another installment of Party Girl Plus One... Watch, laugh, comment:

MY THOUGHTS: Wow, I can really relate to this one! Watching this is what reminded me of my Cry Me a River dating story. I mean this guy was a mess! He dated the chick for THREE months, it had been a year and a half since they broke up and he's still crying like a biatch?

I also thought I was the only one who took a pre-date drink to calm nerves. I do this when the guy is REALLY cute and I'm nervous...One (or two) shots of Cuervo and I'm GRRRREAT!

Have you ever had someone obsess about their EX on a date? Or worse...cry about it?

For more info about Party Girl Plus One and Jen Dawson, visit http://www.partygirlplusone.com/!

Toodles Biatches!

On Vacation

2010-07-29T23:16:00.001-04:00

So, I'll be gone until Wednesday...When I get back, I want my mailbox (thedateexperiment@gmail.com) to be full of your stories and questions. That is all.

Toodles!

Corona and I Have a Rocky Past...

2010-07-28T14:27:00.003-04:00

It has come to my attention that for the last two days, I have been pretty damn lazy.

There was the awful Pick-Up Lines on Monday (done by other people, thanks BC!) and "F**ck Yeah!" video day Tuesday, but what can I say? I'm a Bossy Biatch and I like to delegate...

Since I will be on vacation for a few days, not thinking about work OR this blog... (hey, nothing against the blog, but drinking, a hangover, and blogging don't mix. I will NOT Drunk Blog) I am going to leave you with another one of my unbelievable tales of dating.

I was on the fence about this one, because it makes ME look bad, but it's only like two people that actually read this shit so, whatever.

This guy and I had been on two dates and things were going fairly well. He invited me over to his house to watch a game with him and his friends. We were having a good time, I liked his friends, especially the one that looked better than my date (why didn't I meet HIM first?). Anyways...

One of friends makes a run to the store for beer. I'm not really a beer drinker,(TEQUILA!!!!) but I wasn't buying, so I couldn't be picky. He comes back with Corona. We had already been drinking and I wanted to keep my buzz going so I had one, then two, and three...

About a half an hour later, I got a strange feeling in my stomach. I say strange because it wasn't painful, but...uncomfortable. I wasn't nauseated, but it just felt odd. I shrugged it off and had half of Corona number four and that's when the shit hit the fan...

That odd, strange, feeling that I could ignore at first was swiftly building up pressure in my stomach. (Oh, f**k!) I had the Bob Damned Bubble Guts!:

Bubble Guts: [Bubb-al Gutz] The undeniable feeling of uneasiness that comes about after you have consumed something unfavorable. Usually, inevitably followed by the "Power Shit." That is all.

The pressure was building swiftly and I was getting extremely nervous, because this was just the third date and I could NOT go poop in this man's house. Especially, with what I was about to unleash.

So, I had to think fast. My plan was to just go ahead and tell him that I wasn't feeling well and that I should just go home:

Me: Hey, I'm not feeling too well, I think I should go home.

Him: What's wrong? (I have to shit!)

Me: Well, I, ummm...I have a really bad headache.

Him: I really don't want you to leave. Can't you take an Advil and lie down for a minute... (Pssh...I need Pepto Bismal...heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, dia-rrhe-a...)

Me: I guess, I can lay down for a minute and see if it helps...(crap, crap CRAP!)

Him: OK, go lay down in my room and I'll bring you some medicine.

I laid down in his room and he brought me some water and an Advil and went back to watching the game.

I spit out the Advil and put it under the bed...I didn't need to add any other variables to my, uhh...issue. I lay there in agony for about 15 minutes; at this point, I was sweating. I finally just got up and ran into the living room and told him I had to go home because I had a migraine and I needed my prescription medication.

I rushed through good- byes, hopped in the car and sped down the highway. I was almost relieved until...

::Weeeee-ooooo weeeee-oooo:: Yep, I was getting pulled over. So now I have three things going on. I have the Bubble Guts, I'm nervous, and now I have gas, because I'm nervous...

The cop walks up to the car:

Cop: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over.

Me: Yes, I was speeding... matter of fact, I was doing 10 over, so lets get to writing out that ticket! (I handed him my license and insurance info.)

Cop: Well, you're making this pretty easy, which is unusual. (As he said this, he leaned into the car, probably to see if I had marijuana laying around... I was sweating and looking pretty guilty at this point.) Ugh, ma'am, what is that smell?

Me: You see sir, I was speeding because I need to use the bathroom...like RIGHT now.

Cop: Oh....I...see. I'll let you go with a warning this time. There is a restaurant just at the next exit.

Me: Thank you sir, but I am almost home and they might charge me a fee for this. Good night.

So, I was back on the road again. I got home, and ran in the house, stripping off clothes as I headed to the bathroom. I was going to need a shower after that one.

And finally...relief... Ahhhhh...

My date called that night to make sure I was OK. I never told him really happened. Men don't know women have episodes like this...LOL. Well, they sure as shit do now!

Two lessons learned from this... Corona does NOT like me and if I ever need to get out of a ticket...I'll just pass gas.

Toodles Biatches,

P.S. Speaking of Biatches, yes, the first picture in this post really is a ring I own...

Party Girl Plus One Episode 2: Date One, Smell Fetish

2010-07-27T06:28:00.001-04:00

Can I get a "Hell Yeah!" for Video Day?

The following video is Jen's first date after deciding that the Party Girl needed a plus one. You know what to do: Watch, laugh, and comment...

My Thoughts: First of all, where do I sign up to be a wine taster? Do they have Tequila tasters? My alter ego and I had a meeting and decided that Tequila Tasting should be a career move for me...

I don't think I have had anything as creepy as this happen to me on a date...yet. I mean a smell fetish is pretty freakin' gross. You shouldn't stick your nose in places that it doesn't belong.

Ever dated anyone with a Freaky Fetish? Comment or better yet, why the hell haven't you sent me that story?

For more info about Jen and her video series visit Party Girl Plus One.

Hope you enjoyed Video Day! Toodles, biatches!

P.S. If you missed the first episode, check it out here: Party Girl Plus One, Episode 1

What The F**K Did You Just Say To Me?

2010-07-26T10:36:00.000-04:00

The Pick-up Line...

Just the phrase "Pick-up Line" is frightening. I mean, it is essentially a string of words put together in order to engage (horrify) the opposite sex.

I asked some of my fellow Bloggers to contribute the worst Pick-up Lines they had ever heard and WOW, did they come through!

I chose ten of them and provided a link to the submitters blog, because their awesome! So, check out these Bob awful Lines and then check out these super-fine blogs...

1. "If you're not too busy throwing up, I'd love to buy you a drink."
--Andrew (The Housebound Writer)

2. "Is your mom a terrorist?"
    "What?"
    "Cause you're the bomb."
--Antonia (Lifting Me Up)

3. "I am going to lick your arm to see if that tattoo is real and I might not stop there."
--Claire (A Little Piece of Me and Other Bits and Pieces)

4. "Are you a parking ticket?"
       "I'm sorry?"
       "You got fine written all over you."
--Funkeewebmistress (Funkkeejooce)

5. "I lost my phone number can I have yours?"
--Meghan (Random Rediculous Rants)

6. ::Smiles, beckons with finger::
      Assuming she's out of it enough to respond...
      ::Walks over::
      "If I can make you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole body..."

7. "Girl, I'd like to take you home and crack that yolk." What the hell does that even mean?
--Both 6 and 7 were provided by AJ (Under My Fitted)

8. "I will be Burger King and you can be McDonalds...I will have it my way and you will be lovin' it."
--Brent (tayappention)

9. "Doll, I'd wear you like a horse wears a feedbag." I just threw up a little in my mouth...
--Bill (Bill's Blog)

This happened to be my favorite one, it has a story to go with it. The line isn't nearly as funny without the WHOLE story:

10. When I was 15 I worked in a grocery store bagging groceries, well almost all grocery store cashiers are women, and some of them were pretty hot, so I heard a lot of bad pickup lines. The best ones are when the girl is kind of ditzy and doesn't get it.

One time, this guy gets in line with something little like a pack of gum, and waits for a $100 order to go through, when other lines are open...I knew something good was coming out of this guys mouth.

He gets up, gets his one chance to make an impression and says "Are you from Tennessee?", she says "no?", then he replies with "Well you're the only Ten I See!", she stares at him for a second with a quizzical look on her face, then says "This is Florida.".

Dude looks at her, then he looks at me. I shrug my shoulders, he walks out shaking his head. Then I explained to her what he meant as I laughed my ass off.
-- FreakSmack (Funny Mugshots)

If someone said any of these to me, I would want to knee him in the Nuts. Seriously, give me a Kit Kat, there really are people out there who think that these would work?

Whatever happened to, "Hi,..."? That simple little word goes so much further than 1 through 10.

Can you think of anymore equally awful "Pick-ups"?

Toodles, Biatches!

P.S. Tomorrow is VIDEO DAY!! F**K YEAH!

Welcome To Jazz Stanton's School of Etiquette: Texting

2010-07-23T02:57:00.000-04:00

I love texting. Whoever thought of it, gets a big ol' smooch.

Unlike phone conversations, there are no "awkward pauses" or listening to someone breathe in the phone because they called you, but really didn't have a damn thing to talk about.

What in the shit made you think of me in your bored state? Now, I have to figure out a valid reason so I can get the hell off the phone. "Uhhh, I have to take a poop, can I call you back?" (Hey, it works EVERY time.)

Some just don't know the definition of "Phone":

Phone: [Fohn] –noun, verb (used with object), verb (used without object), A device used for the exchange of valid and useful information or succulent gossip. If you have nothing valid or useful to say please refer to F**kfacebook or Twitter. That is all. (Yeah, biatches "that is all" IS part of the definition.)

With texting...you text me, I text back...or not.

It's almost cheating, I can sit and think about what I want to say and edit it before pressing "send" to ship it through space, past Mars and to your Android.

However, (you knew that was coming) you should follow proper texting etiquette. Don't know what that is? No worries, I got you covered.

Jazz Stanton's Texting Etiquette

1. Please, for the love of tequila, make sure you are texting the right person, especially if you are talking shit about someone else. I have at least one time been thinking about someone (the person I'm talking shit about) and selected their name instead of the one I want to send the text to. That is a true "Oh, F**K!" moment when you realize all but too late that they are probably reading that ish RIGHT NOW. So, check the name and then check again before you send.

2. The text area is about 160 characters, almost like Twitter. If the text screen starts going into "2 of 2", please just call the person, download an AIM app, or perhaps you need to start a blog, because you have too much to say for a text and nobody wants to read all that shit.

3. Remember when you send the text, interpretation is left up to the reader. Meaning, the receiver is not going to be able to tell what the tone of the text is, so be careful of what you say...

For Example:
Text: Shut up!
Meaning 1: Girl, stop it!
Meaning 2: No...really. Shut. Up.

4. If I text you, DO NOT call me. When did your phone ring? Right. It didn't. I might be texting you because my mouth is occupied and I can't talk or True Blood might be on.

Exception: I have a friend, bless her heart, that sometimes her texts are so cryptic that I can't tell if I'm supposed to know what she meant or if it was a typo. In this case it's actually easier just to talk to her on the phone than to hurt myself trying decipher it.

5. If you text like this: Hay wutz up how yu doink babee uso dam pritty wen kan we go owt?

Ummm, our first date would be to Barnes & Nobles to get you a Dictionary, but no worries, texting like that won't get you a first date. Yes, texting is an informal form of communication, but this just makes me think your elementary school education failed you.

6. Please be mindful of pictures.

Men: If I get one more "penis picture", I'll freakin' scream. Especially the ones that have captions,"His name is Superman." Yeah right, try Mighty Mouse.

The thought that you sat or stood somewhere and ::ahem:: positioned (?) IT correctly so that you could get the right angle (?) to take a picture of IT...

Either you're a perv or you just have WAY too much time on your hands. Get a hobby or go "poke" people on Facebook until someone as pervy as you responds.

Women: No booby pictures. No ass pictures. I don't care how much he begs or how often and if he keeps asking, you should drop him anyway, because he is probably about to send you a Penis Picture (Dick Flick? ROFL...Dick Flick.).

He gets mad and your NEKKID pics are all over Facebook, Myspace, Twitpic, and BoobTube...not good, if you want to be on American Idol.

So there you have it boys and girls, you passed Texting Etiquette: 101.

P.S. Yes, I am a Truebie. Eric is such a VILF, he could bite me anytime... (Don't Judge Me.)

Cry Me a River...

2010-07-21T10:44:00.000-04:00

I had actually forgotten about this date, but Jen from Party Girl Plus One sort of "reminded" me when I was watching one of her videos.

As bad as this date was, it is no wonder it was buried in the dark and dreary recesses of my subconscious. Well, enjoy...

My friends and I were having the usual "Girl's Night Out" one Saturday and this guy approaches me; we talk for a while about random shit...the only thing I really remember from that conversation is that he called me beautiful (he obviously has GREAT taste...3 points for him!).

I got really good vibes from him; he was well dressed all the way down to the shoes, nice body (yay for muscles!) and he smelled REALLY good...(I love it when a man wears great cologne, it is a HUGE turn on and it means they pay attention to details.)

He called me a couple days later and we had an awesome conversation. He was smart, educated, and funny-- we ended up talking for like two hours. I didn't want it to end, but I had to work in the morning.

Before the call was over, he asked me out on a date for that Saturday.

Fast forward to Saturday...

We were going to go out to eat and catch a movie, but it was cold, rainy and downright depressing...(normal, shitty Ohio weather.) So we decide to have a movie night in... I just threw on an Aeropostale t-shirt and some snug fitting jeans and went to his house.

The movie completely sucked big ones, so we start talking. At first, it's just normal conversation, but then he starts talking about past relationships and I'm like, "Here we go..."

I actually managed to redirect the conversation to something else, but then he started getting all philosophical and shit. Which is fine...whatever...but then this guy's eyes started tearing up: (We'll just call him "Cry Baby", CB for short."

CB: I mean the past two years have been really rough...

Me: Really...? (Zzzzzz)

CB: Yeah, I had a great job and I wasn't happy. It was too stressful, I thought being a financial advisor was what I wanted, but it just isn't for me.

Me: Wait, you had a job? (Why me?)

CB: (Sniffle) Yeah, but I think everyone should just do what makes them happy. (Where does this dude live, fucking Candyland?...Seriously?)

Me: Well, how long did you work there?

CB: 3 months. (Wow, can you say commitment phobia?)

Me: So, you just quit. Like, one day, you said, "Hey, I don't want to be here anymore! I QUIT F**KERS!" ???

Side note: Now, I am all for spontaneity, but this is real life. I absolutely HATE my job, but I need it to reach my goals. If you're going to do some shit like this, I need you to have a back-up plan. That is all.

CB: (In full blown cry mode at this point.) See, (sniff) that's what you women do, you just judge, without trying to understand.

Me: I am not judging, but apparently you aren't happy with your decision either....You. Are. Crying. (and freaking me out.)

CB: I'm just sens(sniff)itive. I just felt I could share things with you. (Not your nasty ass snot, Bozo.)

Me: Oh. (Whatever, call me a stone-cold bitch if you want, but WTF was I supposed to say? I'm not good with criers.)

CB: But, I have a plan. (Oh yeah?)

Me: Oh yeah?

CB: Yes, I am going to be a clothing designer. (He says this as he "nonchalantly" wipes snot on my shoulder.)

Me: A...designer... (Not only was he crying, but at this point, I thought he was gay too.)

CB: I just love fashion...want to see my new Louis Vuitton wallet? (Yep...gay.)

Me: OK, well good thing you have a back-up plan...good luck with that. I hate to cut the night short, but I have homework and stuff. So...see ya.

You see what I did there? That was an escape sentence...it means, "I want to leave, right now." He didn't take the hint...he talked for like another hour or so. I say HE talked, because he was pretty much talking to himself...I might as well have been a wall.

All I did was nod and smile. Eventually, I said I had to go to the bathroom, and my plan was to just go for the EXIT, since I had taken my purse and coat with me (yes, I planned my escape.)

To my complete and utter horror, he was waiting for me outside the door. He lunged for me and tried to kiss me!

That was when I figured he wasn't gay, but I couldn't help but wonder at what point in this date he thought that I would have been turned on?

The crying? The lack of initiative to keep a job? The chronic complaining he just did for 4 hours?

Yeah baby, that's HOTT!...

Ummm...NOT... I nearly kicked him in his meatballs trying to escape.

Yes, ladies and gents, I made him cry on the first date. I didn't know how to react to this rush of emotion. I mean I am all for guys showing their "softer" side, but for Snookie's sake, really?

Needless to say, the Cry Baby and I have not been on another date. He kept calling for a awhile and then resorted to stalking me on F**kfacebook.

Thanks for reading another one of my heinous dating stories and feel free to send me your own stories, questions or advice (or if you're just pitiful and lonely) @ thedateexperiment@gmail.com.

P.S. Jennifer Dawson of Party Girl Plus One, in all her awesomeness, wrote about my blog on her video series web page, check out what she said by clicking here!

Party Girl Plus One: Episode 1, Party Girl Plus One Night Stand

2010-07-21T00:02:00.002-04:00

Do you remember at the beginning of class when your Earth Science teacher said,"Today, we are watching a video." and the whole class was like, "F**k Yeah, free time!"?

Well class, today and every Tuesday after, you are going to watch a video. Not Bill Nye the Science Guy, but Party Girl Plus One.

Jennifer Dawson, from PartyGirlPlusOne.Com, e-mailed me about her web series of videos based on her diary. She is a 30-something divorcee thrown back into the dating scene and she decided to keep a diary chronicling her conquests.

I can tell you a great story, but what's better than watching it? Which is exactly what Jen must of thought, because she came up with this hilarious video dating series.

So, each week, I'll post a new video of hers, give my thoughts on it and then you comment on them...capisce?

EP 1 Party Girl Plus One Night Stand from partygirlplusone on Vimeo.

My Thoughts: Jen said,"Not close to anyone, but also not alone."

I am a self-proclaimed "Party Girl" all day. I am almost always surrounded by people and when I'm not, I am doing something...I try to stay busy.

I hardly remember what it's like to be in a relationship and I can't recall being any happier at that time. After all these crash landings some people call dates, I wonder if I'm not just better off single. I don't have time to feel lonely. Maybe it's because I haven't seen my "old self" at the bar like Jen did...

Have you seen your "old self"? Did watching this make you want to find your "plus one"?

Make sure you visit http://www.partygirlplusone.com for more info about Jen and her video diary!

Thanks Jen, for finding my little piece of the blogosphere!

Why I F*%@in' Hate Facebook...

2010-07-15T19:27:00.001-04:00

This might be a more of rant than a blog post...I added a Public Service Announcement that contains something about dating, so there...

The title of this post is blasphemous to some, downright sacrilegious to others.

Well, guess what? You and Facebook should just get married and have little evil Facebook babies with a lowercase "f" tatted on their stupid foreheads.

Granted Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with people that you don't want to talk to on the phone, but now with all the foofy additions and games and ads and stalkers, the face of Facebook has turned downright ugly.

Why do I hate Facebook so much (besides the fact that Mark Zuckerberg sells all our personal info and changes the privacy settings every 2 minutes) ? Let me count the ways:

1. I have an "alias" on Facebook. The reason? I was sick of random friend requests from people I didn't know. I also didn't want my job or a job I was applying for to find me and my drunken, half naked, very inappropriate pictures...they wouldn't take me seriously.

So, I changed my name to a moniker that only my close friends know. There is no trace of my actual name on Facebook...I have checked and other people have double-checked, but when you search my name (my real name) my profile still pops up. WTF? Facebook, really? I am trying to hide all my hotness from people, OBVIOUSLY, and you are making this really hard for me to do. AND I actually get MORE friend requests than I did before. You DO NOT know this person, the name is fake!

Anybody out there successfully have a fake identity on Facebook? Please tell me how you did it...thanking you in advance.

2. Facebook is not MySpace. Well, it wasn't. Facebook was like Safe Sex...MySpace was like the "Red Light District"... for the more risque. Remember when Facebook was just for college students and alumni ? Back then you could keep the crazy antics and pictures between you and your classmates. MySpace was there for...everybody else. Now, Facebook is for the general public...including family members and co-workers. Let's face it, there is a side of us that these people should NEVER see. Hence, my alias...which completely freakin backfired anyway.

It almost makes sense to have two Facebook accounts; one for the drunken antics and a "professional" account. But who the fuck wants to go through all that? Now, my Grandma and a few co-workers, know my "alter-ego"and what happens when Jose Cuervo and I get together... WTF!?

3. Who knew that friends of friends could see your pictures too? I sure as shit didn't, until recently, when the Baby Mama of an Ex Friend with Benefits decided to comment on almost all my pictures. They must have had a conversation about me at one point for her to find me because I didn't know this bitch from Adam. Why? Because I'm the shit...but anyway...

So I go to the confusing ass privacy settings and lock all that down. I feel like this extra step took 5 minutes of my life, that I can never have back. Why the hell are friends of friends aloud to look at MY pictures by fucking default? That stupid biatch AND the Ex Friend with Benefits...BLOCKED.

4. The "poking" feature. You can't "poke" me in real life weirdo, so don't effin poke me virtually either. WTF does that mean anyway? Are you trying to get my "virtual" attention?

NOTIFICATION: You have been "poked" by some stupid ass who apparently has nothing to say, but wants to molest you online.

5. The "like" button. People "like" the most inappropriate things.

STATUS: My Grandma died today...sad :-(.

This status was "liked by 5 people."   WHAT?

I need a "dislike" button. Can I have one of those? So I can dislike statuses of people who think Facebook is a free therapy session and also those who "like" their own statuses. Who does that?

6. Virtual farms and sororities. I just want to see how my friends are doing, view pictures of their vacations and maybe how big the kids are getting.

I do not, however, want to see my 36 year old friends sending each other farm animals and asking for help to build a barn. WTF are you doing up at 2 in the freakin morning playing online games. Online games are fine, but the fact that you bought a LIGER for stupid ass fake farm should not be in my flipping Newsfeed. Speaking of the Newsfeed...

7. The Newsfeed sucks (and blows)... Why is it default that when I add a friend or write on someone's wall that it's in the Newsfeed? How the hell is that news?

Why does my Newsfeed look like my Spam inbox for my Yahoo! account? Becky sent Gerald a heart! or John took a quiz about you! Who the fuck is John and when did I make a quiz and send it out?

If I write on someone's wall, why is it in the Newsfeed? Yeah, if you go to this person's page, you can see our conversation, but does it really need to be broadcasted?

There is no number eight because this isn't really Facebook's fault (imagine that). It is the fault of the (ab)users of Facebook.  The following public service announcement is purely opinion and if you don't agree, than simply bitch about it in the comments...

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

If you are dating someone who seems insecure or gets jealous easily, for the love of chocolate DO NOT accept their friend request. If you do, you are asking for trouble. Let someone post one wrong thing or someone TAGS you in a picture that shows you in a compromising position...

I repeat, DO NOT friend request or accept the friend request of a person you are dating. Better yet, BLOCK them, it's as if you never existed in Facebook universe. If they are already your friend...un-friend them. Doing this, you can have one less argument. It's not about trust or hiding something...you cannot control what other people say about you or the pictures they post (unless you threaten bodily harm), but you CAN control what people see (at least until our friend Mark Zuckerberg changes the privacy settings again.) That is all...

After voicing my frustration to many people, now including you, my friend Candy Pants (don't ask) told me to try Twitter. She described it as, "Facebook without the fluff."

So, I signed up and I must say, I like Twitter. It really is Facebook...no fluff. I can follow and then unfollow with no remorse and there are no games, ads, or stalkers etc. I am happy in Twitter world, for right now; it reminds of Facebook circa 2003-2005, when I liked it.

I keep my Facebook page just to stay on top of the happenings around town, but I can only take it in small doses. Once or twice every two weeks is enough. The fact that I might actually have to set up a Facebook page for my blog so I can have more than 2 followers makes me throw up a little, but hey, you do what you gotta do.

How do you feel about Facebook... Love it, Hate it...hope a black hole would open up and swallow it or wish that it was never born?

Guest Spotlight: The Housebound Writer

2010-07-13T10:56:00.000-04:00

I'm excited about this Guest Spotlight! He is a fellow blogger from Scotland...yeah my blog is international biatches! I "met" him on Blog Catalog, a categorized directory of blogs. I ran across his,The Housebound Writer (click to visit), where he reviews movies with sarcasm and humor blended with his personal challenges. I then read his background story/interview (read it here), which gave a more in depth look into his past and was completely intrigued. The obstacles that he faces and overcomes to still have an optimistic outlook, is absolutely amazing. Towards the end of the interview he mentioned a possibility of meeting a "lass" named Emma. He was kind enough to share the story of their first date here...

9 1/2 years...

No it’s not a belated sequel to the Mickey Rourke/ Kim Basinger 80s movie 9 ½ weeks but a sad statement on how long it’s been since I had a date before this Saturday. Now before the chorus of laughter let me explain very briefly why this is, for the last 10 years I have been seriously ill and pretty much housebound so for me to get a date it would have to be from a very small pool of possible women, most of which I’m related too and I ain't from that part of Scotland, lol.

My date was with a girl (surprising to some who read my comments on BC) named Emma who I have been talking with on a daily basis for about 3 months online and who had kept the fact that she lived locally to me a secret as she thought it would “weird me out” which it did for all of about 3 seconds. We decided to meet at a local coffee place and I had to inform her that my brother would be coming along but he would sit as far away from us as possible (chorus of laughter part2: laugh louder) this is because I suffer from multiply seizures on a daily basis so he needed to be there to restrain me if one happens. We got there early to find she was already waiting outside which made me instantly paranoid that I was late but she reassured me I was early.

The date got off to somewhat of a good start she found it hilarious that I would hold her chair for her like in some old sixties movie. We talked, we laughed and all was going fine till the guy at the next table, a real sharp suit cheap shoes type, leaned towards our table to commence a conversation on his cell phone, I as usual instead of thinking something said it out loud (illness thing honest) ‘You got to be f***ing kidding me, a***hole.’ I said this louder than I would have hoped. He stood up and exited quickly leaving his coffee date laughing into her hand and Emma patting me on the back for a job well done.

We spent quite a long time just talking about random things and laughing which led to a brief moment where the lean in was open but my brain decides what would be really funny is for when I’m about to make a move for me to have a seizure, if this happened in a movie people would say it was unrealistic and a bull**** ploy to make the guy more likable yada, yada, yada but life ain't like a movie it’s a whole lot stranger I‘ve found. I came round from my seizure about 5 minutes or so later to find Emma kneeling over me holding my hand which is a major improvement from my brother kneeling on my chest to hold me down I can tell you, lol.

We decided to not let the seizure ruin the date and chose to head back to her place this time without the chaperone. We swung by my place to collect a DVD of a short film I wrote/directed when I was 18 as she was fascinated to here it starred a very fresh faced James McAvoy. We watched the film, listened to music, drank copious amounts of wine and Emma showed me some of her paintings she had done for art school. The longer the date went on the more we seemed to hit it off and after slow dancing (which no Scotsman is good at especially one like me with no feeling in his feet) to a French Jazz song that I haven’t a clue of the name Emma decided it was time to head to the bedroom.

Now after 9 and ½ years of off the scale physical pain I wasn’t even sure if what we were going to do was even going to be possible but then again it had 9 and ½ freaking years so I wasn‘t going to say that to her, lol. Strangely I didn’t have the old first time with a new girl nerves it just seemed right and thankfully everything went well because after spending all day with someone that would have been an awkward climax to events so to speak. A little while afterwards we shared a shower together which was slightly more nervy for me as my balance is crap and somehow this feels so much more intimate than sex.

By the time I got home after our 12 hour date there was already an E Mail waiting for me from her telling me how great a time she had had and she signed off with 143 Emma which I have no idea what that means as I have not owned a cell phone in nearly a decade and don’t understand text language at all. The event leaves me puzzling one thing though, what the hell does she actually see in me? I’ll be honest with you I’m no George Clooney or any other celeb the ladies find handsome these days I’m more your typical fat guy with a beard and suicidal thoughts not characteristics that shout out SEXY!!! But for some reason she sees something, thank God or possibly the Devil I’m not quite sure on this one, lol.

My Thoughts: I know what she sees in you...You're an amazing person! She's lucky you live in Scotland and not the U.S. of A. ::wink wink:: (Don't Judge Me...good men are hard to find.)

Thank you so much for sharing this and I know everything will work out with you and Emma...

The Balancing Act...Part I

2010-07-12T19:20:00.000-04:00

Can you a multi-task?

How many things can you do at once?

Let me rephrase...

How many men/women can you DO at once?

Get your mind out of the gutter please! (or stay there, I really don't care). I'm talking about how many people you're dating at once. Are you a serial dater or do you date more than one person at a time?

I kind of take on whatever life throws at me. Meaning, if I happen to meet another person while I am dating, if we are not exclusive, I'll go ahead and date him too.

I like to keep my options open. Sometimes, it can get a little hectic, because I have been known to make a date with more than one person in the same day. (As I seem to say time and time again...Don't. Judge. Me.)

I eventually narrow it down to one person that I feel deserves to be the focus of my time and interest. I have the tendency to get bored easily and one man has never been able to keep my attention for long. This could be due to the commitment issues I have ( I know, I know, but that's another post) ...or none of them were worth committing to?

There is also the notion that when you have too many options, it's too hard to choose. When you have that many choices, you start to base the selection on superficial things like eye color or height. When this was brought to my attention, I realized, that I gravitate towards the "better looking" option, rather than the smartest or best option.

This is not my fault and I didn't even know I was doing it. It is a scientific fact (yep, I watch the Discovery Channel...get hip biatches) that humans are genetically predisposed to be attracted to people with symmetrical features a.k.a the attractive ones.

So, it comes down to this... should I strictly date ONE person at a time to narrow my options? OR

Should I continue to date more than one person ( usually like 3 at a time, I got skills ok?), but override my natural instincts to go for the usual suspects now that I have learned from my flaws?

Maybe I'll try both and let you know what happens...LOL.

What do YOU guys think? Comments, Advice, Past Experiences?

The Balancing Act Part 2 is balancing dating/relationships with friends and family. Stay tuned...

Random!: Speaking of The Discovery Channel...do you remember that song that went,"You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so lets do it like they do on The Discovery Channel!" ?

Unhappily Ever After

2010-07-08T12:29:00.003-04:00

Single.

It's like a curse word to some people. I feel like after someone asks me if I am in a relationship, when I tell them no, their thinking, "What's wrong with you?"

Well, look at it from my point of view. I have been in some crappy relationships and I feel like it was because I didn't get to know the person well enough. Hell, I didn't know myself. The next relationship that I am in... we need to be friends first, so I can figure out if he is wired correctly and not Coo Coo for Cocoa's.

If you're not happy and comfortable with who you are, how can you give the other person what they need? It ain't gonna work.

People do not change while in a relationship, they have to evolve on their own. I also refuse to carry any hard feelings from one relationship to the other; I just take what I have learned and keep it moving.

As for those people who look at me stupid when I tell them that I am single....you can bite glass, because nothing is wrong with me, but something sure as shit might be wrong with you.

If you feel like you have to be in a relationship all the time or that you're not a "whole person" without a significant other, you got issues.

Let me "Dr. Phil" it for you...

One relationship to the next; one right after the other, almost no time in between, but it seems like you are dating the same person. You attract "the same type of people" over and over? OR...

You stay in a relationship, no matter how bad the other person treats you and put up with all the bullshit they put you through. You are staying because you got "comfortable."

It isn't OK to be alone, but it's OK to be miserable WITH someone? Really, where did this ass backwards philosophy come from?

You can't even stand yourself long enough to be alone for more than a month at a time, but you want to make someone else in your life miserable because YOU don't even like YOU?!

This is not a healthy pattern folks.

I am single because I choose to be. Single to me means that I don't take bullshit and I have standards. I have an unwillingness to settle and I demand respect. The person who ends up with me, should feel privileged that I let him into my life. Everyone should feel like that...it is not arrogant or conceited; if you don't love you, how can you expect someone else to love you?

Since I have taken the time to know myself and be content with who I am as a person, I have something meaningful to put into a relationship, when I choose to be in one.

So don't let anyone put you down or make you think something is wrong with you because you choose NOT to live unhappily ever after. If they are happy in their relationship, great for them, but don't let them make you feel inadequate.

Single ladies put your middle fingers up to the haters because we are the shit!

P.S. Send in your dating stories, advice, questions, comments to: thedateexperiment@gmail.com

O Brother, What the Hell Art Thou Thinking?

2010-07-07T12:30:00.001-04:00

If this hadn't of happened to me, I wouldn't believe it. This just proves that some men don't have a conscience.

So my friend and I decided to go out on Friday night. The first place we went to... two thumbs down. I walked in and they were line dancing. WTF?!

I don't line dance. I am not of the "cougar" generation yet and even when I am... I am STILL not going to line dance. I mean they were getting down on those arthritic knees. The Electric Slide never looked so sad.

I'm like if this is where I end up for the rest of the night, I need a drink...this needs to be a blur.

We get in a line behind a man with a denim suit and woman with a romper on. Not the "2010 romper"...it was the ORIGINAL one piece romper from 1970. In her mind she was thinking, "I'm so happy I never got rid of this, it's back in style!" Girl, please.

After I tore my eyes away from the psychedelic print on the romper, I asked for the strongest drink the bartender could make. I paid, turned around and ran smack into my Ex's brother.

The Ex I am referring to is talked about here in the post "One Step Forward...The End."

I mean what the hell are the chances that I run into his brother exactly one week later?

Anyways, we exchange pleasantries and talk about how funny the dancing old people are and then part ways a couple minutes later.

My friend and I stayed at the party for about fifteen more minutes and then left and went Downtown. And guess who I run into... AGAIN?... Right... the Brother.

I guess this time he had a little more liquid courage running through his veins because he gave me this look. You know THE look. He had completely undressed me with his eyes. I know this look, because I've given it and it works, but under the circumstances was mildly uncomfortable.

It really caught me off guard but I didn't think anything of it... I mean he can look...right?

If only that's ALL he did. He walks over and whispers in my ear:

Him: Your looking really good tonight.

Me: Why, thank you. (I'm smiling...Don't judge me, I did look good.)

Him: You know...you were with my brother, but I always liked you.

Me: Uh...what? (Uh...what?)

I wish I had had a mirror to see my facial expression. My feelings are always written all over my face. My feeling at that moment: Stunned. I now look at all the times I have been over their house when his brother and I were together in a whole new light.

Him: Yep, I always wanted to bite that. (What?)

As he said this, he grabbed my waist and pulled me closer.

Me: Uhhhh (Hey, what the hell was I supposed to say? I was so shocked it made me sober AND angry that I was now sober.)

Him: You should come see the new house.

Me: Do you two still live together?

Him: Yeah. (I thought I was being Punk'd...seriously?)

Me: Wouldn't that be awkward?

Him: ::shrugs:: No, not at all.

Me: (I think I'm missing something) You want me to come to your house?

Him: (He is now looking at me like I just walked off the short bus) Yes.

Me: Where you and your brother live?

Him: Uhhh... Yeah.

Me: Give me your number and I'll text you later.

Ok, before you start yelling at the computer screen, let me explain myself. I just wanted to end the conversation. I will never call him or hang out with him at "his house" or anywhere else.

Him: xxx-xxxx... call my phone. (Crap!)

I should have anticipated this. I hate the "call my phone" trick. What happened to taking the number and just NOT saving it, but promising to call? What could I do? I called the number.

He called me that night and on the 4th. Part of me wants to ask him what the hell is going on? It seems like this is all a game; one that I am not willing to play.

I am taking the best course of action, which is do nothing at all.

Why invite drama into my life when I have none?

He used to have girls coming and going. When one left another one walked in...unbelievable. It was like a gynecological office! Basically, he's a whore.

He uses women with no regard to their feelings and then disposes of them. Who knows what STD he has? I wish I would... I don't want anything to do with that dysfunctional family. Been there, done that...not stupid enough to do it again.

Although, there is this small evil person on my shoulder that wants to see the Ex's face if I would walk in the house. (Don't worry, I'm not nuts...people have gotten killed over less.)

If I were out for revenge, this would be a great opportunity, but I have wasted too much time and energy being angry at him. That part of my life is over and I have long since moved on.

Yep, his number is officially labeled, "DON'T ANSWER!!!!"

Has something like this ever happened to you? Have you ever actually dated a family member or friend of an Ex?

49MA6GGGCRUJ

Friends With Benefits: The Rules

2010-07-02T14:13:00.000-04:00

A friend with benefits is by definition a person put in place to ummm...help with urges AKA pent up sexual frustration.

There may come a time when you’re in between relationships and you’re not ready for another one—yet you miss the companionship (and you are also not getting any on a regular basis anymore.)

There are always options available…

1. Do nothing and wait for the next one or buy some toys (that are not available from Toys ‘R’ Us).

2. Have sex with the Ex (not a good idea AT ALL)

3. Procure a friend with benefits

Obviously, the best option is number one. Number two is completely off-limits; don’t do it and you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Number three, if you so choose to do so, comes
with limitations and you must be cautious.

First of all, only certain kinds of people can participate in this type of “special” relationship. If you are:

• Hung up on labels (read about labels here)
• Overly emotional
• Prone to fall in love (or infatuation) quickly
• Are the jealous type
• You like to be in control of EVERY situation

This is not something that you should get into and your feelings WILL get hurt in the end.

A good candidate for friends with benefits has had a one night stand (or think they could have one) and left that night feeling no remorse. They also see no issue with not knowing the person’s name and number and never seeing them again. Actually, hoping they never see them again. This isn’t a sure fire test, but if you think you can handle a one night stand than friends with benefits is a breeze. I mean it is essentially a bunch of one night stands; just with the same person, and you know them, and you'll see them again. OK, maybe it's NOT like a one night stand, but you get my point.

Here are THE RULES:

1. It is strictly about sex and having fun, but mostly, about sex.

2. You may not spend the night.

3. The only calls or texts should be about when your going to meet, where, and what you are about to do when you get there.

4. Friends with benefits do not discuss relationship/dating issues or any other problems you’re having—save it for someone who gives two shits.

5. You may not be friends with benefits with a person you were once in a relationship with. This is NOT about feelings; it’s about satiating a primal need.

6. If you start to have feelings for this person… I mean you like them, like them (yeah, I went grade school on you) … cease and desist immediately. Relationships that began with sex usually don’t work.

7. Last but certainly not least; when it’s over, it’s over; finished, the end, game over. Delete numbers, erase texts and call logs. I don’t care why it’s over; one of you found someone, it just ran its course. The need has been fulfilled and you’re done.

If this is something that might work for you, hey, go for it—you only live once. Usually, one party involved messes up everything, just like everything else in life.

Just make sure you play by the rules boys and girls…

Feedback:

Have you ever been in a friend with benefits situation?

Would you add more rules or don’t agree with one of mine?

Wanting Your Cake and Eating it Too

2010-07-01T16:37:00.003-04:00

Duh? If I got the cake, I'm going to eat it right? I've never understood the saying, but from what people tell me it's about being overindulgent.

You have something that may be good, but you want more... so you cheat...

But what is cheating? Everyone seems to have their own definition.

Well having sex with someone other than the person your in a relationship with is for sure, no questions asked...cheating; but is kissing cheating?

Flirting?

Sexting? (I don't understand the point, but for the blog's sake, it should be mentioned.)

My personal definition of cheating is doing something you KNOW your significant other would not appreciate.

Have I cheated?

Yep, sure have.

Why?

Because in my mind the relationship was already over, I just hadn't gotten around to telling him yet.

I feel like everyone has their own personal reasons for cheating, but there is ALWAYS an underlying reason.

The other question is, after you've cheated, do you tell?

In my opinion, no, because if you feel bad about it, your just doing it to make yourself feel better and the other person is hurt in the process.

However, if your busted...your busted. No need to lie at that point, because if they ask, more than likely they know what you did (last summer?).

I've never been caught, but I did catch my EX though...not in the act, but I stumbled upon some evidence.

OK, I admit it...I was snooping.

He left his phone next to me on the bed and went to take a shower.

I kind of just sat there and stared at it for a moment, contemplating, because up to this point he had never done anything for me not to trust him.

This was like leaving a chocolate chip cookie in front of a fat kid and walking away. Like he wanted me to look through it.

So, of course I obliged.

I just looked through the texts and WOW.

In summary they said:

I can't wait to suck your d!*@.

I love you.

When can I see you again?

I saw RED. I think if he would have walked in at THAT exact moment, I would have tackled him like a linebacker. No doubt about it.

I took some deep breaths and had a secret mind battle about whether or not I should say anything.

I decided not to say anything because:

   A. Shouldn't have looked in his phone and

   B. We would argue and he would flip it around to me not trusting him

That calm resolve lasted for maybe 20 minutes before I asked who the hell the text messages were from.

You know what this asshat said?

And I quote, "We're just friends, she is just joking."

My jaw hit the floor...I must seriously look like Kelly Bundy. WTF?

As I'm staring at him, thinking about where to hide his body, he's rambling on and on...

I just launched the phone at the target on his forehead and left.

This was a couple of years ago and I did break up with him. Who knows what else he would have lied about? Luckily, it was early on in the relationship so, no love lost there.

I learned two things that day:

    1. Don't go looking for things, because you WILL find them.

    2. Erase text messages that can implicate any wrong-doing on your part.

Can a relationship go on after cheating?

Probably...but why would you want it to?

There will always be a rain cloud of suspicion hovering.

Have you ever cheated? Did you fess up? What happened to the relationship afterwards?

One Step Forward... THE END

2010-06-30T10:12:00.002-04:00

I know the saying is, "One step forward, two steps back."

Who wants to go backwards after you've made progress?

I'm talking about the EX of course. The EX was demoted from boyfriend/girlfriend status for a reason.

Of course they want you back, because your AMAZING!

I recently saw my EX from two years ago at a party on Saturday.

Ours was not a good break-up... Well it was, until he called me TWO WEEKS later to tell me about every girl he had ever cheated on me with. (I know, right?)

I had a "WTF?" moment and then realized I really didn't care.

I had let go of him months ago because he was a complete
Skeeze. <<<<< Is that a word? Oh well, it is now; my blog, my rules.

Anyways, he hasn't seen me in maybe a year or so and much has changed. My mindset and me physically. I don't want to sound conceited, but I look waaay better now. LOL!

Needless to say, when he saw me, he had to pick his face up off the floor.

I wish I had taken a camera the moment was priceless.

My hair and makeup...flawless.

Dress...classy and showed off just enough.

Shoes...4 inch Jessica Simpson's...grrrrr!

Every girl has a moment when they look in the mirror and its like... DAMN! That was me on Saturday.

After he had gotten over his astonishment, he asked me how I was doing and blah, blah, blah...

Then, he asked me for my number...I've had the same number for 3 years now.

I told him he couldn't have it; he then asked me was it the same and proceeded to ramble off my phone number FROM MEMORY...

SIDE NOTE: Who remembers phone numbers anymore unless its like your mom or someone you dial constantly? I mean, all of my numbers are saved in my phone, for the sole purpose of me NOT having to remember them.

I lied and said no... (HAHAHA) and walked away.

Fast Forward to the end of the night. I'm walking in my door and my phone rings and its a number I don't recognize.

In a drunk and sleepy haze, I answer it.

Guess who decided to try my "old" number after all?:

Me: Hello?

The EX: Oh, you lied about your number?!

Me: (craaaaaaaaap) Can I help you?

The EX: You don't want to talk to me?

Me: Not really and especially not at 3 in the morning.

The Ex: Can we hang out sometime?

Me: Ha Ha Ha Ha...Absolutely Not.

The Ex: Why, are you still mad about me breaking up with you?

Me: Ok, this may have escaped your memory because of all the reefer you smoke, but I broke up with you, because your an ASS-hole. SO, if there is nothing else, I am going to bed. Good Day. ::click:: ( and yes, I said Good Day, Fez style)

He called back twice that night and one time the next day. I think he has given up.

I felt all fantastic (and still do) about how that turned out. It was like a Maury Povich "you effed up and look at me now shit-head!" moment.

Pressing the big red ignore button never felt so damn good.

Moral to the story boys and girls: Do not go backwards. You may have changed, but more than likely your Ex is still the same douche you broke up with.

Take it as a learning experience and move on with the satisfaction that they still haven't gotten over your Fabulous Self and someone else is willing to treat you better.

Making a List... Checking it Twice

2010-06-25T10:06:00.000-04:00

There comes a time in every relationship when the honeymoon stage is over.

The flaws that were once not so obvious are tapping you on the shoulder. Things that were once cute or quirky are now annoying as all hell.

You've become unsure of whether or not you should stay with this person. This insecurity can put a damper on any relationship.

With any problem, there is a simple solution. Looking at the situation methodically, you can evaluate if you should stay or go.

What do I mean?

You can weigh the good things against the bad...

Make a PRO or CONS list...literally write it down.

If the PRO list is longer than the CONS than you two could probably work it out.

If the CONS list needs two more attachments of "continued onto the next page," you may want to go ahead and let this one go.

When it actually comes down to it, if something feels wrong or your overly irritated with this person ALL the time, then the relationship has probably run its course...it happens.

You shouldn't stay in a relationship that is only being held together by a need or a fear of being alone; not healthy, AT ALL.

Follow your heart, learn from the relationship and move on.

To The Haters...Direct Your Anger at The Right Person

2010-06-24T09:50:00.000-04:00

I feel like I shouldn't have to post this and its actually more of a rant than a blog post, but it's my blog and I'll BITCH if I want to.

Anyways...

Have you ever been in a situation where someone dislikes you for the wrong reason? Their eyes roll when you walk in the room and if they do speak, it seems forced.

I have done things where a person should without a shadow of a doubt not like me-- at all. (Don't judge me.) If your one of those people, fine, I understand...Don't Like Me. I could really give two rats asses.

But when its something really petty and juvenile, like...I MIGHT be dating the guy you like, get over it.

The SITUATION (Two Fist Pumps):

I'm at a party, having fun ...drinking, dancing and all of a sudden the atmosphere just changes. I got an anxious feeling that something was going to happen. At the risk of being cliché...you could cut the tension with a knife.

I had no clue what was going on, so I asked and was told that one of the girls was pissed off because...

Drum roll please...

I LOOKED AT HER FUNNY!!

No effin joke.

How insecure and juvenile can you be? I mean, are we in Kindergarten?

The funny thing was, I wasn't dating anyone there.

Come to find out, there were girls there that still had feelings for ONE guy and he was being attentive to someone else.

OK, be angry about that....but be angry at HIM, not the girl, who has no clue about your past with this man and probably couldn't care less, because he was in her face not yours.

Obviously, he's not that into you and he still invited you here so he probably doesn't respect you that much either.

Every woman deserves someone that will treat them with dignity and respect. But respect isn't just given, you have to demand it or every man will use you as doormat and treat you the same.

So, before you evil, angry, vindictive Biatches get angry at the innocent bystander...STOP, think about it, and send him an evil text later before you delete his number from your phone, because he isn't worth the wasted energy being angry.

The First Conversation

2010-06-21T18:03:00.000-04:00

The first conversation you have after meeting someone is one of the most important conversations...ever. If the conversation flows the way it is supposed to, you'll have a better sense of who this person is and what you may have in common.

But, have you ever had the awkward silence? I'm talking you can hear crickets in the background and the other person breathing.

If this has happened, one or both of you need to brush up on your conversation skills.

You know absolutely nothing about each other and you can't think of anything to say?

After a few minutes, the person on the other end of the line will start to loosen up and get comfortable with you. They feel more at ease answering your questions. This is when the "red flags" come up because they've let down their guard a little.

Ask about their interests or anything else you want to know. I usually stay away from conversations about past relationships because I feel like whether they were good or bad you should learn from them and move ON TO THE NEXT ONE...♥♥♥

Guest Spotlight: First and Last Date with the Accordian Player

2010-06-18T14:15:00.001-04:00

I went to get a henna tattoo yesterday and the henna artist, Alexa, told me about her date with the "accordion player." I begged her to e-mail me this story and she did! I didn't change a thing, you can't make this stuff up!

The story:

Alright,so I went out with this guy that I'd met once or twice and talked to for awhile who seemed pretty cool at first.

Turns out, he was 23, lived in his grand-parent's basement, didn't go to college or have any kind of career goals (he'd been working at some lame-ass restaurant/"catering service" for almost 4 years), was completely OBSESSED w/ Legos and Nerf guns and talked about his guitar collection all-the-time. Seriously; color-coded legos and an entire arsenal of nerf guns. Creeeeepy!

(Attached to this email is a "valentine" he made me...should've been a warning sign to NOT go out on an actual date w/ him...lesson learned.)

It's no wonder this dude is still single...he's a fucking man-child haha...

So for our first and LAST date, he picked me up and we went to dinner at a pizza place in Akron.

It was alright nothing too special and things seemed to be going okay.

Then we go down to the riverfront.

Mind you, there is snow and ice covering every inch of the ground, and for some reason I am in 5 inch peep toe pumps.

Needless to say, walking down the steps to get to the benches was not an easy task.

Once down said stairs, he proceeds to play a song...on his ACCORDION.

It was extremely awkward and I wished to God I could've left right then and there.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against that instrument. I've got a friend who plays it and he's one of the coolest people I know.

I DO, however, have something against THIS asshat who played it on a first date and creeped me the fuck out lol.

The Valentine!...LOL

Hope you enjoyed that!

My Henna Tattoo

Thanks Alexa!

Should You Date Your Crush?

2010-06-18T13:37:00.003-04:00

I pose this post as a question because my first mind is, no, if given the opportunity, you should absolutely not date your crush.

My reasoning?

I have had the privilege to date two of my crushes. I'm not talking high school band geek has a crush on a jock kind of crush; these are recent "adult crushes."

My most recent was The Bouncer. (click here for "the bouncer" story)

Before that, it was this tall drink of water with green eyes and caramel skin. Can you say, "yumm?" When I first saw him, my jaw hit the floor. Staring is rude, but not when the object of your "rudeness" looked like him, I mean he should be used to it by now.

Fast forward a year later, yes a year, because:

A. I was "labeled" as a girlfriend at the time
B. He doesn't live in the same city, so I only saw him once in a while

So, anyway, a year later and my friend gives him my number and we have a few conversations. Now you may be able to tell that I am never at a loss for words, but the first time I heard his smooth deep voice on the phone, I think I may have blacked out for a moment.

Eventually, the glamour wore off and thank goodness, before our friendship ever went any further.

This man had more drama then any woman I've ever known.

First, he had no kids, then he had 1, 2, 3...count them 3 kids.

Then, I found out, he was "self-medicating" because he was stressed out ( I would be stressed too if I had 3 cackling baby's mamas) ...I just thought he was REALLY laid back. It turns out, he just didn't have any emotions because all of his serotonin was gone.

To put the icing on this crazy cake... one night when I was staying at my friends house, he threatened to render my car inoperable, because I didn't call him to let him know that I was in his city. (I did not get the memo that he was owner of the city.)

I barely dodged that bullet.

My point is, when "Green Eyes" was my crush, it was fun; when I got to know him...not so much.

The butterflies when he looked at me and the electric sparks with just a simple light touch; feelings like that don't happen often.

I didn't know him and his issues; I was infatuated with the idea of him. He just didn't live up to my ideal, which led to disappointment.

Would I date another crush? I can't say...

Maybe 3 is a charm?...

Disclaimer: DO NOT DATE THE BOUNCER

2010-06-17T14:22:00.002-04:00

This is a true story:

It was one of my favorite local bars—very low key and tucked away in a corner. Perfect for a secret rendezvous because no one will find you here, unless you want them too.

The first time I went, I couldn’t get over the man at the door. Bouncers have a certain amount of power, which is attractive in any situation. They can either permit or forbid your entry. I think that’s part of the allure.

This bouncer wasn’t “H-O-T-T” per say, but he was sexy. I could definitely tell that he wasn’t from here. He had mystery about him and a nice body to top it all off-- I could tell, even through the all black “bouncer wear.”

Every time I went back we chatted and flirted and my intoxicated mind could have sworn I heard an Irish accent, which made him even sexier. I felt like I had to get to know this man. So, eventually we traded numbers.

That was on a Friday and we had our first date set for Sunday.

We met at a bar/restaurant with a very relaxed atmosphere.

I rarely let men come to my house and pick me up…too many crazies these days.

The date actually started off really well. We had the usual “getting to know you conversation” and then like a smack in the face the red flags (for dating red flags, click here) started waving in every direction…

I excused myself to go to the bathroom, but when I came back, he was sitting on MY side of the table. He saw the confused expression on my face and his explanation was, “I wanted to be closer to you.”

I have a thing about personal space—it’s called “my bubble” and I need people to stay out of my bubble, unless invited in. This...this, man, was all in my bubble that extends an arms length on all sides and I was more than a little chagrined at this, but I decided to let it go and continue with the date.

Here is how the conversation went from there (I’ll call him “The bouncer”…):

The Bouncer: So, why don’t you have a boyfriend? (Normal)

Me: I’m just dating right now; I'm not really ready for anything serious and I’m not even sure if I really want to stay in Ohio when I graduate from school...

The Bouncer: I’m willing to move… (What the hell?... red flag)

Me: Uhhh… I just really don’t want a boyfriend right now.

:: He leaned in closer… he could probably see the nervous perspiration forming on my nose::

The Bouncer: You just haven’t met the right one (Well it sure as hell isn’t you, weirdo… red flag). Ever since my fiancé left me, I’ve just been so lonely and your so beautiful. I mean, I left everything in New Jersey for her and she dumped me when I got here.

Oh, shit… at this point, I could actually hear alarms going off.

Me: That’s umm… so sad…

(I was 99.9% sure she crossed state lines to get away from him… and he followed her…OMFG.)

The Bouncer: But now I’ve met you… (red flag)

Me: I have commitment issues.

The Bouncer: That’s just an excuse.

When someone tells you they have issues, you should back off. He was desperate, needy and trying to use me to replace his ex. No thank you, GAME OVER.

Me: ::YAWN:: Ok, well, I’m tired… I have to go to work tomorrow.

As I say this, I’m basically climbing over him and it took everything in me not to take off running to the car.

The Bouncer (chasing after me): Ok, I had great time.

Me ( standing by my car): Yeah, yeah, me too.

He runs over and leans in and tries to kiss me.

I dodge it, get in the car and turn the key.

Me: Ok, I’ll call you! Bye!

Perfect example of a possibly good date gone terribly wrong.

Now, every time I go back to the bar he works at, he gives me a hard time. This date was in February of this year and he STILL asks me why I haven’t called.

Do NOT date the bouncer… unless you plan on not going back to the place he works at…

And one more thing... the Irish accent....gone.

It wasn't a figment of my imagination because my friend heard him too, so WTF was that?

Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Candy Pants for proofing!

5 Big Huge Dating Red Flags

2010-06-16T22:34:00.000-04:00

What are red flags?

Red flags are statements that come up in a conversation, that when said, should make you immediately look for an exit and make a run for it...

1. "I am the best thing that has ever happened to you..."

Besides being extremely irritating, this person's ego takes up so much space there will never be room for you.

If they are as fantastic as they say they are, you would be able to see this by spending time together, not by them telling you how great they are.

2. "I think I could fall in love with you..."

Wait what? We just met two days ago.

Desperation is driving this person and will make you wish that you set up the "emergency phone call."

Run from this psycho...fast.

My guess is, they just got out of a relationship and want to jump right into another one.

Huge mistake, and you would be very sorry in the long run for getting on this ride.

3. "My ex was beautiful. My ex was smart. My ex would love this place..."

Umm, hi, its me...your date, the one your pissing off by incessantly talking about your stupid ex.

This red flag is disturbingly obvious.

They are not over their ex.

In fact, if that person walked in right then, your date would come to a screeching halt.

Don't run, tell them to call their ex and not you and gracefully make an exit.

4. "I cheated on him/her a few times, but I've changed now."

I already know what your thinking. People change...right? No Sherlock, they don't. People CAN change, but they must evolve on their own, outside of a relationship and they have to want to do it.

I know you want to help them, but you can't. This person WILL cheat on you, they just pretty much told you they would.

Save yourself some heartbreak, finish dinner and ignore their calls from now on.

5. "I want kids and I want to get married..."

This may or may not be a red flag.

This person is just telling you their future plans.

However, if you don't see marriage or children in your future, guess what?...Your not seeing a future with this person.

Why waste your time and you don't want the same things?

If you want to travel and live abroad, they are not the one for you.

There are people that share the same interests and have the same goals...date them, you'll have a better relationship survival rate.

Directions:
Print out and put this list in your purse/wallet and refer to when in doubt about the person you are dating...

Just kidding!

Kudos to Candy Pants for helping me with my "bloggers block" today!

The Good Guy vs The Bad Boy

2010-06-15T08:14:00.001-04:00

Mmmm... The Bad Boy, the most appealing; at least before you get to know him. What makes him the most irresistible? Why do the good guys finish last almost every time?

Maybe its the confidence he exudes, or the sex appeal that seems to be seeping out of his bad ass pores. (Yep, even his pores are bad ass.) It has to be the swagger, which is so important. Swagger is the bread that this sandwich is made on, the lighter to the cigarette, but I digress...

As you can tell, I've been swindled by a bad boy more than once. Well, fool me once... I am not the only one. Its like they have magical powers on top of good looks and the gift to manipulate at will.

Who could resist?

But you must try, there is a reason that he has a bad boy rep. He's no good for us and guess what you'll end up being: The Starter Chick. A hurt one at that.

Give the good guy a chance. Sure he may be awkward, lacking swagger, and can't make you feel like the bad boy does... or can he? A recent survey in the July 2010 issue of Cosmopolitan mag (AKA Girl Bible) says that these men are more focused on putting their partners' pleasure before their own. Sounds good to me! Yes, the bad boys are good for an ego boost, but its fleeting; that could end at any time.

Moral to the story:

BAD BOY= Good time for the short term
GOOD GUY= Pleasing YOU for the long run

I guess it depends on what your looking for, but remember, Bad Boys are a dime a dozen and Good Guys are rare birds, so if you get one, don't take him for granted...Happy Dating!

Reference:
Benjamin, Jenny. (July 2010). 99 Hot New Sex Facts. Cosmopolitan.

If You Like It…Put a Label On It!

2010-06-14T08:44:00.001-04:00

Gucci, Fendi, Prada, D&G, Chanel, Coach—you know…the labels. Society is obsessed with labels. They are thrown at us in the media. It’s easy to get caught up in labels because for some, they show status.

Of course, designer labels are not the titles that I am referring to. I’m talking about the “boyfriend/girlfriend” labels. In fact, it seems like there are more relationship labels than designers these days. You can be single, dating, “just friends”, in a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship, friends with benefits (AKA f%#@ buddies), and the list can go on forever.

The question is: Are you a Gucci handbag or are you a cheap Coach knockoff…Do you know your label?

Actually, forget about labels—how about the very beginning of the relationship. You’re getting to know each other; things are great, fun, almost too easy. When does it all change? When does the easygoing pretense fall away to reveal the anxious, discontented creatures that we truly are?

Instead of those first two or three months of bliss ending with bitter and hurt feelings because both participants weren’t in it for the same reason—why not just go with the flow and see what happens?

Of course, there will come a time where you both need to know where you stand, but let it just be that simple; know where you stand—no labels needed. It could be as simple as both of you are seeing other people or being exclusive.

One last thing—I absolutely do not condone “friends with benefits”, but that’s for another post… Happy Dating!

Are You A Starter Chick?

2010-06-13T12:59:00.004-04:00

A Starter Chick is the first one. The first one like you that the guy your sitting across from has ever had.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing... if you want to teach this man how to treat you, how to talk to you, basically everything you know because he's never had a woman that was worth the effort. He doesn't have the blueprint for the starter chick. He has no clue what makes them tick.

Eventually, you'll get tired of playing teacher and student and let him go and he'll want you back...at least until he finds someone new. The next girl isn't the starter chick though. At this point he knows what to do. And guess who taught him... YOU!

Women who are starter chicks tend to fall into a pattern:

The "Starter Chick Cycle" is a hard one to break. In order to stop being a starter chick you have to picture the man you are dating "as is", damaged goods and all, for what and who he is-- not for what you want him to be in the future. If you are not satisfied with who he is, don't try to change him, stop seeing him, because he is not going to change for you.

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Introduction

2010-06-12T22:24:00.007-04:00

I have a habit of learning from others mistakes-- especially when it comes to dating and relationships. Instead of watching from the sidelines, I have decided to dive in head first, take chances, and make some of my own mistakes. Not only am I going to be adventurous in dating, I am going to share my experiences with the world and offer advice along the way.

I find myself constantly complaining about dating the same type of guy and men not being up to my standards, but how can I meet new people if I continue to frequent the same places? Instead of complaining, I'm taking action and being more proactive. I do this in other areas of my life and dating should be no different.

The Date "Experiments" will be in the form of field studies, new places, new dress codes, and whatever life throws at me along the way. I'll try to do at least one "experiment" per month, but post about different dating and relationship topics each day. Any feedback, criticism, and ideas for experiments are welcome...so don't be shy, because I'm going to be as candid as possible about everything (people, places, AND things ::wink wink::).